I looked at the hotel WH booked for me and S3 for our little out of town jaunt and it totally broke me. I know he was trying in his own way to be nice because he booked a little boutique type hotel, just the type we would have always enjoyed going to together, and it is killing me knowing that while I'm with my son putting on a cheerful face, looking around at this beautiful room with a WH sized hole in it, WH is in a nicer room with OW. I couldn't do it - too many memories, so I cancelled it and booked a cheaper one, more like a motel. It's nearer the seafront as well so S3 will like it better.
I sent the cancellation message to WH so he knows those funds will become free, no message, couldn't think of anything to write. He called me almost immediately to ask what was wrong. I told him I was still going, and was honest about why I cancelled.
I made a boo boo - did a mini R talk. I asked him if he thought when we got married he would ever divorce me. He said no, softly. I asked him if he thought marriage was for life. He said yes. I said I thought so too.
I told him I was feeling he was being very disrespectful with his actions. He didn't get it - I had to break it down for him. I told him it was disrespectful that he was going on holiday with another woman while still married to me, to be telling another woman he loved her while still married to me, to have another woman tell him she loved him... He said he had not thought of it that way. (?!) I reminded him of when I first found out about OW in September and when he told me he had broken it off with her and would only re-engage when the ink on our divorce papers were dry. At the time I thanked him for it, told him how much that meant to me. What an idiot I was.
He's going to meet her brother on this holiday - I told him it was disrespectful to meet her family while still married with a child.
He said he was glad I told him what I was thinking and asked me how our son was. I told him he was fine. Which he is, strictly speaking - just fine. WH could tell from my tone S3 is not totally fine (he isn't). He pressed me and I told him the truth - he's upset his daddy isn't around. Yesterday night at bedtime we were saying our prayers and S3, for the first time ever, piped up and said "Bring my daddy home." It destroyed me. I held it together until I thought he was asleep, then knelt by his bed to pray and just broke down. S3 wasn't as asleep as I thought he was and he woke up and asked me why I was crying, so I had to climb back into bed and fake it until he fell asleep again.
I am more angry and hurt by what WH is doing to our child, our little family, more than what he's doing to me. I know he's angry with me, and rightly so, holding my hands up here - of Gottman's Four Horseman, I owned three full on (he had the fourth) - but he's punishing our child as well. And at mediation, I have to watch him blather on about what's best for our son. Yes, what's best for him, after you've narrowed the field of options by doing what's best for you first.
I said goodbye and cut him off while he was going on about not realising how I felt. Well, duhh... He then sent me a message saying "That was hard to hear but thanks for telling me." Not sure if he meant the disrespect thing or our son praying for him to come home, but it doesn't really matter. He's still going to do whatever he wants.
Looking back at what I've written I can see how foolish I am being - everything he's said is all lies.
Once when I was pressuring him about what the OW thought was going on, he snapped and told me "I have a knack of knowing what people want to hear. So I give it to them. In a way, I prey on it." Those last words, "prey on it", are ad verbatim, 100% his. I remember being really shocked. Married for 13 years and this was the first time I'd seen the mask slip. It was too much to handle so I let it go, didn't look at this unmasked face. I was at the time desperate to save the marriage.
When I look at him I see the sweet loving boy I married 13 years ago. I need to remember that's just the outside. The packaging hides something much different.
Looking back at what I've written I can see how foolish I am being - everything he's said is all lies.
Once when I was pressuring him about what the OW thought was going on, he snapped and told me "I have a knack of knowing what people want to hear. So I give it to them. In a way, I prey on it." Those last words, "prey on it", are ad verbatim, 100% his. I remember being really shocked. Married for 13 years and this was the first time I'd seen the mask slip. It was too much to handle so I let it go, didn't look at this unmasked face. I was at the time desperate to save the marriage.
When I look at him I see the sweet loving boy I married 13 years ago. I need to remember that's just the outside. The packaging hides something much different.
I'm so sorry, 2016.
It's often during these times that the true colors come out. I'm right there with you. My ex's colors came out at the craziest of times. We all have done things trying to save our marriages that we thought made us look foolish. In reality, we didn't look foolish although its easier to say we did. We all fought to keep and hold onto the dream we had. We all strangled that butterfly in hopes of getting it to stay.
You are doing much better than I was at your stage. 16, this is your time to walk your road. You'll find the clouds will start to part and the sun will shine - and that your road is paved with gold. However, only you can own it. So own it.
Last edited by Cadet; 02/22/1701:57 AM. Reason: Link
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
