Thanks Blu. I thought I had been grieving over the last few months but I always held on to some hope because I thought that DBng was to never give up hope. Will the grieving eventually help me to give up hope and let go or do I need to let go and give up hope first in order to start grieving the death of my M properly? It feels a little like chicken and egg, maybe that's why I'm in such turmoil.
Losing someone through death for me is in some ways a loss that is easier to bear. You most likely haven't been rejected by that person and you know, hopefully, that they have gone with love still in their hearts. Also your memories of them are full of fondness rather than the awful memories that your WS has convinced you of. I know it sounds terrible but sometimes I wish H had just died.
I completely see from your sitch that in hindsight letting go was the right thing to do because as soon so you did your H came back and you realised that he would have come back quicker had you let go sooner. I know at that point you didn't know this would happen and this wasn't the reason why you let go. I realise I need to get to that stage but I'm struggling to let go of the hope.
For you was it also a physical letting go as in moving all his belongings out or had he already done that? Do I contact H and tell him to come and get all his stuff? I'm afraid to do this as it seems I have done all the dirty work so far so it always looks like this is my decision.
I am so tired Blu of not knowing what is going on. Why can't he just put me out of my misery and move out completely? But it's like he's waiting for me to make the first move and make the decision for him but I don't want to. Isn't it enough that he has put me and my D through all of this without making me make all the decisions for him! IDK, maybe that's why I still have a little hope....
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Coly23 - I think our spouses must be twins because it feels like we are both struggling with the same situations and questions.
I have no answers for you but you can at least see my mistakes as I'm a couple of months farther down the trail than you.
Sending you good thoughts.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
You can have hope and yet let go. DB is not only to help save the marriage, but it's to help you as well. You can use the DB techniques IRL. They help you w/communication and how you react to what is being said and the behavior. Letting go mean to leave him alone and allow him the time and space to work on himself. Letting go is taking your focus off of him and what he's doing and living your life. Letting go is not reacting to anything he says or does. Letting go is to help you continue moving forward. You will let him go and/or drop the rope when you are ready and yes, it takes time to do so. It won't happen overnight.
Grieving for your old marriage is not about giving up hope. Giving up hope is when you finally walk away, file for divorce and actually move on completely and don't look back. There is always hope when someone is in crisis. You don't know what he's thinking or doing right now and you are so very new to the situation.
As you grieve, think of all of the happy and wonderful times you spent together. As for what he tells you about your marriage and the past...it's rubbish. He's seeing the world through dark and dusty glasses. Stop drinking the Kool-Aid he serves up. You were together for quite some time, so you should know whether or not your marriage was a good one. Hold tight to those good memories and pull them out of your memory bank whenever you feel down.
I wouldn't suggest that you contact your h and have him pick up his stuff. If his stuff is bothering you, pack it up and store it in the garage, closet or basement. I would leave it right there because it could be his link to coming by to see what you are up to or if someone else is living there w/you for the time being. Now is a good time to think about redecorating and/or moving furniture around. Make your home your place now. You may be surprised just how much better you will feel by doing this.
You are a fixer and you want to fix him and the situation. You can't because you didn't break him. If he wants a divorce, then he should be the one to file. Don't make any decisions for him. He's a big boy and can make decisions for himself. The only people you need to make decisions for are yourself and your daughter.
Dig deeper for patience, continue to move forward and keep the focus on you and your daughter.
BTW, please start a new thread.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
