Well, the oddness continues. W has started her loop of going to bed at 3-4am again. Started on Monday evening last week. She had been fairly consistent at going to bed at 12 before that. Wakes me up when she gets in bed, so leads to less sleep for me.
W gets mad fri evening bc she says I'm distracting my D from her bedtime routine. I always joke with D while she brushes her teeth but W felt the need to latch onto it on Friday. W tells me I need to stop aleways distracting D. I tell her I don't believe it's an issue and it's not too dissimilar to how her and D joke around at bed. Later I tuck in D and get ready for bed and I've got an apologetic text from W where she says she's sorry and asks if I can just try not to distract her too much.
Didn't get too much sleep Friday evening as the S agreement was swirling in my brain and W hopping in bed at 3 woke me up when I did get to sleep. D and I got to the museum for 4 hours and have a blast. Come home and W takes D to a bday party. I go run and then sit down to watch my college team play. I turn on most of the lights and open the blinds. (W doesn't like it when all the lights are on for some reason, but it makes it less clautrophobic). An hour later W and D come home. W immediately comes into the family room and shuts the blinds pointedly. I ask her why she shut the blinds. She says it's getting dark and everyone in the neighborhood can see into our house (they face our backyard so unsure how that works) and I shouldn't care. Then she heads upstairs. I open the blinds again (seems so stupid, but necessary) and tell her when she comes back down that I've opened them bc it makes things less claustrophobic and I'll shut them when D and W come into the family room. She slams some stuff around in the kitchen then stomps into the family room.
She tells me that she doesn't feel comfortable with the blinds open and I need to respect that. I tell her I hear her but if she wants to do something like that she needs to ask me first. She tells me I need to stop being so abrasive with her. I need to stop being so ridiculous and stop being such an ahole. I am fighting her on everything and am going out of my way to disagree about everything. I'm making all of this more difficult.
W then asks me if I want to stay in this situation or not. She says if I do and we are going to live together for years then I need to be nicer to her. I tell her I hear what's she's saying but I don't understand what she means. She asks, are you effing stupid. She says do you want to stay married or get divorced. I tell her I still do not want to divorce but but we can't live in a marriage that is e way it is now. She then says "you've won. I'm stuck. I get how much this will hurt our D. Call the co-parenting counselor and cancel it. Call up the previous MC and setup an appointment." I tell her no one has won in this situation. She says our D has won. She asks again if I want to stay married or divorced. I tell her the same back. She asks me to think about it and come back with an answer.
She then repeats how uncomfortable the blinds being open makes her. She says I need to respect that. I tell her I hear how it makes her uncomfortable but I need her to ask me before doing stuff that affects me like that going forward. She then makes a big show of asking if it's ok to close the blinds, I say yes and thank you for asking and she stomps off.
No real interaction with W since that. D and I went out hiking and Pokémon hunting all morning today and W has taken D and friends to a movie.
So.....horribly confused at the moment. Debating how to approach this. Got the S agreement from her last Friday. Now she has this "martyr" mentality and still harbors a lot of the same anger and resentment, so far as I can tell. She hasn't gotten any help on her anxiety issues. Additionally, I saw on our browser history that she'd gotten notification in her email of a message from OM (not sure what medium they used and don't really care) on 10/14 after she told me she would not speak/visit him while we were still married late August.
I believe this is her waffling like in late August and would not be surprised for her to flip the other way shortly. I'm not willing to pursue being M to her unless she gets her anxiety straightened out. She may be realizing how hard it is to find a job that fits with her view of time with D and cash flow needed. Maybe she's stalling. That's currently where my brain is but I'm tired of playing these games. I do feel myself warming up to her after that though. Think that's ok, so long as I don't let her run me over. I just don't see this as being anything sincere.
Well, enough rambling. Parent teacher conference with W tomorrow morning. Means I can get up and hang out with my D before school. Look fwd to that.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
This is crazy! ... Like I wrote earlier, she sounds unhinged. But maybe that's good. People with serious mental health problems often need to hit rock bottom before they will consider getting help. Maybe this is her rock bottom, and she is, reluctantly, willing to get some help.
Or she may just flip flop again.
I think I would see if you can meet with her when she's in a calm state of mind, somewhere new, somewhere quiet and calming -- somewhere other than home. And just see if you two can just converse reasonably, and see if she can reiterate/articulate better what she's thinking. You would just mainly listen. I'd probably do that before taking her up on her offer to go see an MC.
It seems to me that the real root of the problem is your W's mental health, and the ideal situation is one where your W gets help for herself first, before tackling your marriage. But I'm guessing your W isn't willing to do that at this point. In that case, I've been advised by counselors that it's OK to get that person into MC, and if the MC is any good, the MC will gently guide that person into individual counseling.
I'd ask your IC for some advice. I don't know how much regular DB techniques apply when your spouse is not in good mental health.
Like JRuss posted, I'm watching your hurricane on TV, while in the eye of my own hurricane.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Wow Lt... I don't know how you do it...she seems wacky...she sounds like she goes back and forth on what she wants but I am glad that you are standing up for yourself and doing what you want with your D. Yes, I can see where you would be getting tired of the game playing, it is emotionally draining. How did parent/teacher conferences go?
Last edited by Cadet; 11/07/1611:30 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
Sen exactly here. She is lost due to having had an OM. They can't love two. She has fcuked herself up through her own choices. Stay and be more detached. Become Freud mate. You are. You longer her H your are her shrink. Observe and detach and do that amazing job for your D.
We have had good times recently but she is flip flopping again. Have you read 5 love languages. Very interesting.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
