Detaching from a cheating spouse goes a long way in making you happier (beaming). You're flipping this script and you'll see what amazing results that has. Keep it up.
Sorry I did not reply directly to your post and questions. I have had some really good conversations with my W and all of them she initiated. However with that being said reflecting back on the 2 or 3 good conversations that we had, I think I overshared during those conversations. She was very guarded at times during the conversations and was just digging for information, IMO. I found it to be a trap as the trust was / is not there with her, from my point of view. An example would be the fact that I brought up the A she is having in our last good conversation we had about 1 to 1.5 weeks ago, she denied it (again) and then asked how I felt about it. I of course told her how I felt about it and I think she just used that info to get under my skin.
Bottom line was at the time I was truthful and when I walked away from the conversation I felt great. I was thinking, we are connecting again and she even brought up some better / fun moments in our past and we laughed about them. However, looking back I become jaded with how I feel about what she says and does I think it was more for her benefit of "Checking in" to see if she still had control of the situation. Now I don't speak to her much at all, other then email and texting and most of the responses I reply with are short and to the point. When I do see her on days where we swap parenting duties I don't interact with her much at all and its just business, but I always try to leave it on good terms with her by saying things like, "Have a great couple of days with the kids," or "Hope all is well with you."
For me I have moved on and I just don't know if what I had with her is worth saving at this point. I am having some of the best times in my life right now, with my kids, my friends, and my family, and she is not there and that is OK. I have been reconnecting with friends and family I have not seen in a long while. I have the best relationship with my sister ever. I am getting along better with my Mom and Step-Mom. And my friendships mean more to me then at any other time in my life. The the best part is with my kids, I have a new appreciation for them and I have become a better father and leader because of this, and they now view me in a different light and are responding to the structure and discipline I have started to implement. They are responding very positively and are better kids for it, as they have been yearning for that for years.
I would recommend that you are just cautious with those conversations as you may feel like they are great at the time or you walk away thinking you made progress and really you just played into her hands and gave her info to use for her benefit. Again my situation might be different then yours (I have not read your sitich yet but will in the next couple of days) but given that I have a WW I think this is the best course of action for me.
Me: 39 yrs; W: 34 yrs 3 Kids – S: 9, S: 7, D: 6 T: 17 years M: 10.5 years BD: 8-23-2016 ILYBNILWY BD: 8-23-2016 & 8-27-2016 W Moved out of bedroom 9-9-2016 EA confirmed: 9-7-2016 - PA 10-4-2016
