Just Tired

[Ginger1]

I think it was great you could stop and assess the situation for what it really was.

You were so in the pattern of turning everything your W does into a negative that you were failing to see the good. I would truly make it a habit to catch yourself when you begin to judge and assume her behaviors are negative.

I've noticed you have different ways of parenting. To you, you feel like the kids stayed up way too late and won't get up in the morning. To you, you think it's wrong. To your W, she saw a fun holiday with her kids and some down time snuggling on the couch. Is either way wrong? No? Just different. If you can't change the differences, try to change the perspectives and see if your W's parenting calls have true reasons to them that may not be what you would do, but it doesn't make it wrong.

I think you really need to reframe your thinking from something so negative to something positive and you might see everything in a different light.

[TiredTN]

Yes, I am in the habit of seeing what she does as negative. Before even getting Gottman's book I described to my phone-a-shrink that when my wife came home it was like the Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse. It turns out that one of Gottman's criteria for discerning if a couple is going to make it or not is "The Four Horsemen."

They are: 1. Criticism, 2. Contempt, 3. Defensiveness, and 4. Stonewalling. We had all four (both of us) in spades.

Of his Six criteria to figure out if a couple would make it or not we had all six.

All that being said we have had some decent days lately. Our 10 yr old turned 11 and she did a lot of work to help make his birthday party nice. She has spent a little more time with the kids lately...good time with the kids, not just bitching and moaning.

After my last phone appointment part of the homework was to ask her some questions about how she felt about things. That was the night she turned the TV off and we had a good talk (see comments above).

A few nights later I lied and said I had more "homework" and that we needed to take the love languages test again. So we did that and had a little discussion about it too. So I think that helped both of us.

[Surfer]

Tired

Read a fair chunk of your sitch.

Looks like you W was heavily criticised and spewed at as a child. Also looks like you are prone to this perhaps - certainly inwardly. I say this because my F was critical (but so was his F - I am much less but can be prone to this), my W's M - big criticiser. See we are often drawn to familiar things. Things we see as a child. That is why the child of and alcoholic might marry an alcoholic, child of a violent father might marry a violent man.

I had the four horsemen when I came home too. Many things you have written I have experience of as do others. Keep posting and everyone will help you and try not to see red when something stings.

Also, feel free to vent/journal. Sometimes you might need to say 'I've had enough of this cr@p'. Often you will calm down and rethink and realise it was a vent of feelings not an cognitive process per se. These feelings only lead to an action when you take an action and often we engage the brain when we feel more resilient. If this is happening a lot you might want to try free apps such as 'calm' or 'headspace'. Try them and they will help.

Also get plenty of regular exercise (running etc) and make sure you sleep properly. This is very important and if you smoke cigarettes try to keep that down and avoid alcohol where you can - they will string your nerves out. The good news is you can still eat spicy/junk food. Ha ha.

I could see your natural response to a late night for the kids is to see red (I used to be like this too when kids were up late). But what happened when you took a breath and looked? Your heart melted at Kids snuggling. You need to work on you with this..

You have the 5LL book and you need to read DR at least and do cadets links. Detachment etc. Lots to read. But turning to your LL sitch. Your W's LL is not criticism. So best avoid that. Do more of the stepping back to see the positives and when you have conversations do try and guide them to safe territory. If she blows and starts to spew. Listen, there is always useful info in those rants 'you always' etc. Try pick up knowledge and validate - check out the validation cheat sheets (by Wonka I think). Try not to apologise too much but do exit with boundaries if she really flares. Do not let you kids hear or see arguements if at all possible. If you do often they will end up as the next generation to do this. You already have at least two!

Sorry I don't have much time at the moment but I will pop back.

Remember we are all either going through the same thing, have been or will be. People will help you here.

Keep posting, even if you have little to say.

Surfer.

[roist]

Your W seems relatively open to working on things,maybe not over eager but still willing. She answered your questions. She talked about it. Then she took LL test again with you. Ye ML recently.

There are other indications in your posts, but all of that is positive and IMO gives ye a decent chance at turning your situation around. This may take a long time yet so patience is key.

Now in the meantime you need to really focus on you. How many of those horseman traits do you have today? What do you need to do to eliminate all 6 negative comportements mentioned above.

I think it is great that she took the LL test with you. Use those results to improve YOU. I would not over do lying as it really is manipulation. Plus if she is borderline committed she may feel too pressured.And pressure is your enemy here.

I will reread your situation and follow your posts and in time I will offer my opinion again. In the meantime, what are your goals going forward? R goals but especially YOU goals.

Best wishes