Surfer, you've given me very good perspective on things. Yes, I did mother/smother too much at a point about four to five years ago after his weight loss surgery,( which was supposed to fix his life). Enter MLC and A. I tried to be the best wife and mom, but I did a lot of chasing and giving him a hard time when he came home very late after being with OW. Not helpful. I strongly suspected from the beginning and even confronted him after a year and he lied so convincingly that I calmed then clues would crop up again. Things built up and I'd confront again. I started to doubt my intuition at times. It was those times he felt I was like his mom, needy, demanding, crazy,and too emotionally reactive and intense. All true to a degree but not like her to that degree. The perspectives get warped. She passed 15 years ago and he still thinks she was a psycho bitch, probably because she was emotionally intense but also did not save him from the incest. Very screwy family. Anyway, he admires that I cook like her and hates that I WAS emotional like her. I'm doing well at limiting reactivity and defensiveness. He has to trust the changes are true and lasting and believe me I feel the pressure and also feel better about myself. I didn't ask if he noticed changes lately but it was one of my mistakes made prior to starting DB and coming here, so I know his stance.
Yes, he had one appt for the incest and felt good about it. He even bought recommended books. He has told me lots over the past year, small parts. I listen and support and sometimes he wants to be held and others not touched. I honour it even when I don't understand. I check in sometimes to see if he needs to talk but not much. We had agreed to a weekly chat about everything and anything but he's having a hard time starting it up so we've only had the one. I'm willing he's dodging. Just another roller coaster.
Things get me down at least weekly and I feel weak and hopeless and depressed. I am very happy and controlled in his presence and feel like it could all be ok someday. When alone and reading here I have self doubt that I'm doing wrong or not enough. I post and often do not get replies and feel worse. I've appreciated this dialogue here but I don't wish to hijack your thread so please swing over to mine sometime to chat.
Imho, your wife is very self absorbed and blaming you rather than looking at herself. As a w, I can say that l love when my h would do little things for me like make the bed, or ask me to do something together or when he would just listen and reflect without trying to solve my problem. If he got irritated, because he cared and could not do anything about it, I would feel worse and back away. Now that I know love languages, I feel that we are opposites so we each have done things for years that were how we wanted to be treated not how the other needed to be treated.
Surfer, I'm so happy for your new work and all the positives that are happening in it! Few can boast that in any job. A great place to focus at a convenient time! All the best my friend! Let me know if I can support you. Col
Last edited by Cadet; 08/12/1609:34 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
His past he has had a lot of trauma. Not a real dad figure, was severely bullied and his m had a m where she was abused violently. As a kid growing up this is what he saw. There's so much more that had gone on in his past which he m has said for years he needs to speak to someone about as he just isn't at peace with it at all. He has always said about friends and family leaving him when he needs them the most. Yet, he has done the opposite to me. It's like he's hurt me before I can hurt him
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
The sad thing about all of this pain for you is none of it is in your control at all. It's not even in his just now. It's just a horrible past that a little boy or young man has been terribly scarred by and as an adult these things can become a problem. It's very sad, people are so evil to one another. Whilst I really do feel for you I feel for that poor boy too.
One thing I guess happens as a bullied and abused child you end up feeling worthless and confused as to 'why'. What did I do wrong, am I bad? That must be awful. I am not condoning any behaviour from anyone that is not appropriate but I do get that.
I think you must be a truly lovely person to still want to care for someone so hurt.
I will pop over to your thread. But don't worry about dropping me a message here. Always welcome. In truth I find it hard navigating and finding what I am looking for so if I miss a post or don't comment, put me a note on mine and I will let you know what I think.
One thing I see is you are a 'rescuer' it seems. If you google The Drama Triangle by Theramin Trees you might find some useful insight. I'm not an expert on all this I have just tried to learn to make sense of a tricky position, like we all are.
I think you are right with the self absorbed thing with my W. However, I am detaching and I am happy with my own company because I know I am a happy and lovely person. The gaslighting and spewing made me feel worthless. But it's really starting to almost disappear.
Thank you for you kind words Buxom. I appreciate you and what you have to say. Take care.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
You are welcome, surfer. You seem in such a good place and I want that too. Yes I am a rescuer by nature and training in a helping profession. WH used to like that in me but it works against me in this sitch. What works against me most tho is my over thing, mind reading and fortune telling, these and my depression. Too much going on on top of trying to deal with my breast cancer recovery. I'm still off on leave. I'll check out that book, thanks.
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
