I agree with the other posters about the importance of GAL and I have done several things that were outside the house. I've been attending both live theatre and cinema, spending time with family and my new nephew (who I don't talk to about his aunt), regularly calling and talking to S22 and D24 who are still largely in the dark about my sitch, being out in nature, doing more photography etc. Because I already tend to write long sad novels here I perhaps don't highlight what else I do. One of the biggest decisions I have made right at the beginning of this journey was to try to find joy in every day even in the smallest things. Earlier I tried to stop the flow of bile from W that I would get every day about her day and ask her about any joy she had found but it was difficult. Even though I tried to talk about my own joy she would lose focus until the conversation turned back to her.
Just a quick update. Yesterday was moving day for W. Practically no pre-packing or planning was done. Fortunately for her, she had two helpers one of whom was her very avaricious brother. Well - the large 4 bedroom house was largely stripped when I got home. Anything of material value such as the antiques, collectibles, china etc is now gone. A fair bit of furniture beyond the antiques is also gone. I perhaps shouldn't have cleaned the refrigerator so well because the gleam from it's empty shelves was blinding.
It looked like they just went room by room clearing it out going through each shelf and even under the bed. They even took things that were boxed up to be put in the trash.
I do still have almost all the MBR furniture, the kitchen table that I told W that I hated, my rocking chair and a spare bed / futon that W had been sleeping on. The office furniture is also largely untouched although my home office security camera kept sending me shots of W frantically going through the filing cabinet and making copies of documents.
Moments after I walked into the house I got a text from W that included the phrase "Hopefully you are ok with the condition of the house" - sheesh. The text included her agreeing that we needed to talk about how we would arrange for her to access the house and saying that she still needed to pick up the "rest of her belongings". I checked later and there was some bacon and waffles in the freezer - perhaps that? I asked about if she was taking the spare futon/bed and if not that I would use it as a couch in the living room. She said that no - that she was using a sleeping bag (?) and didn't need it. I expect that there will be a hit to the family finances for a new bed for her shortly or perhaps with the rush to get the "valuables" out they didn't think of something for her to sleep on.
Sigh - tough time last night and this morning. Reaching for things that aren't there any more (about 60% of the kitchen stuff is gone) and then not having W or her dog around in the morning was just odd.
I'll get through this though. I did send W a text this morning letting her know that she missed taking the bacon at least and that the toaster (which had been obviously unplugged, moved and put back) could be taken. Since she might also go through the MBR again, I also told her that I've had to remove my anniversary ring until I can get it resized down and that I've NOT taken off my wedding ring.
I've grabbed the security footage most of which just has some bad audio and will review it later. I'll also go through and document the empty rooms. I have "before" shots I took a year or so ago when I did a house inventory for insurance purposes. I expect that the stripping of the house will not be viewed too well if this ever gets to court.
The heirloom stuff I figure my BIL now has "to keep it safe". The volume of other furniture, kitchen stuff and food taken would indicate that W isn't immediately planning on moving in with OM because he'd already have that stuff. I need to focus on going dark to her and light to the rest of the world and move on with my life. doodler, you'll be happy to know that my first thought when I saw the living room was that if I wanted to I could dance around naked in it and not trip over anything Sadly that sort of activity is powered by peanut butter cookies and I have none.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hi Andrew, I'm sorry for what has happened. But hey, there's nothing like a few smelly socks and 24/7 company to take the shine off an A. Who knows how things may ultimately unfold my friend?
For now, it is LRT for you I would say. Have a look at those few pages in DR (I think) and follow them to the letter. Now then, that means not reaching out to her by text okay? You're texting things about your anniversary and wedding rings to keep a bond between you or tug at her heart strings or whatever. But truly you need to go cold turkey right away on that stuff. If you don't, she knows you're sitting at home waiting and hoping things might turn and that's the last thing you want.
So, I would suggest you reconfigure the house and claim it as yours to suit your new lifestyle and start planning some GAL activities. GAL does come in many forms, but I always think the kind that gets you out and interacting with others, trying new things is truly the best sort. That needn't mean bars, clubs or meals out - it could mean walks, volunteering or lectures if those better suit?
Keep moving forward and leave her be my friend. Before you contact her AT ALL - do post here and seek advice beforehand okay?? We all want the best for you here..
Take care and my best wishes to you
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Yea Andrew LRT time... It is hard but actually easier than contacting in this situation... Trust me. Good on the GAL and you are right those activities have not come across in your postings. One last thing..no more mind reading or guessing (the last paragraph)... None of that stuff matters and you might be wrong. Take care my friend... I've been here
Sorry to hear about the destruction to your living arrangements. I liked to think of it as a fresh canvas onto which I could build my own house. How can you start to "claim" this place as yours?
My two pieces of advice to you continue to be:
1)
Originally Posted By: AndrewP
I asked about if she was taking the spare futon/bed and if not that I would use it as a couch in the living room.
I did send W a text this morning letting her know that she missed taking the bacon at least
I also told her that I've had to remove my anniversary ring until I can get it resized down and that I've NOT taken off my wedding ring
You have got to quit with this stuff. None of this is necessary communication. There is no benefit to it. Im telling you, each time you hit SEND, you are marching your way farther away from your goals. Let's presume she wakes up in another man's arms....why do you think reading your text about you not taking off your ring is going be a positive for you? It comes across as desperate and clingy. Why do you need to TELL her you arent doing that - is it for you or for her? You have got to figure out how to Just. Let. Her. Be.
and 2)
Originally Posted By: AndrewP
She said that no - that she was using a sleeping bag (?) and didn't need it. I expect that there will be a hit to the family finances for a new bed for her shortly
the toaster (which had been obviously unplugged, moved and put back) could be taken. Since she might also go through the MBR again.
The volume of other furniture, kitchen stuff and food taken would indicate that W isn't immediately planning on moving in with OM because he'd already have that stuff.
Quit mind reading. Who knows why she took the stuff. Who knows if she'll be back or what else she might need.
Focus on you and how you want your house to look. Once you divorce, you can take stock of all of the "stuff" and split the value. For now, make sure you have you need and go from there.
As for the GAL stuff, I continue to urge you to get out and do things with other NEW people. I know it's incredibly hard. But as pinn said, it's so incredibly rewarding. It doesnt have to be parties or wild gatherings. Im SURE there are meetups to go take nature photographs or go bird watching or whatever other thing tickles your fancy. But its SO important to meet some friends that know nothing about your W and your situation. It helps so much in building your confidence. I know you dont believe me or think its not important or frankly just dont care. I dont really know what it is that makes you so hesitant to do it, but I continue to urge as strongly as I can for you to get out there and try.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/22/1610:31 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message
I know you dont believe me or think its not important or frankly just dont care. I dont really know what it is that makes you so hesitant to do it, but I continue to urge as strongly as I can for you to get out there and try.
darknes - Quit mind-reading I do believe you. I agree that in large part that the communication was un-necessary. I've got long rambling justifications that boil down to you are right. I was just starting Day 2. Day 3 will be better. I know that I need to focus on that, not to get W to stop being chased away but so that I can find myself. I've been very lost and confused with the constant awareness of W being around me all the time as she munched on cake at home.
I appreciate the GAL advice as well from you and everyone else. My excuse is that I essentially have a 15 hour work day and have had for more than 13 years. That means get up, go to work, go home, have 1/2 hour of un-allocated time and then get to bed to do it all over again. I try to be social at work within limits and the weekends are generally filled with getting things done that people in the regular world get done through the week and in the past spending time with my children and W. For my baby steps I'm making time for my family - it's not all about W and our problems either with them. They are newly aware and since they love me they want to listen and help and as I'm sure you know - I love to talk as well as write.
With luck though a new big step might happen soon. I have a second interview next week with a company more than an hour closer to home for more money and better benefits. They are also active in the community so I may be able to get back involved in the volunteer work I love. I'd been wanting to make a change for about 3 years to get a better quality of life and more challenges but at my age and pay grade there's not a lot of options close to the rural area that W talked me into living in on our first anniversary (long story). I was on the edge of getting a job offer on BD and abandoned the search to focus on W, our MR and begging, groveling and pursuing.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
One last thing..no more mind reading or guessing (the last paragraph)... None of that stuff matters and you might be wrong.
And one thing that I hope others take from my thread is how very very very wrong I have been so many many times when I do that. I keep telling myself not to hope but then I build this story-line in my head and tell myself it's true and then act accordingly with disastrous results. I can't even know if things would have been different if I'd acted differently so I need to stop second guessing myself too.
Thank you everyone for the positive vibes.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
PS - darknes - you'll be proud of me. When I got the notice of the 2nd interview this morning I almost texted W - but I texted one of my brothers instead. Not great still - I shouldn't be needing to look outside myself for validation. Even though I'm a loner socially, I'm a very expressive person who wants to share joy, sorrow, triumphs and tribulations with others. That's one of the big reasons I come here.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/22/1611:56 AM. Reason: Link
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
and that the toaster (which had been obviously unplugged, moved and put back) could be taken. Since she might also go through the MBR again, I also told her that I've had to remove my anniversary ring until I can get it resized down and that I've NOT taken off my wedding ring.
Sadly that sort of activity is powered by peanut butter cookies and I have none.