I did not come to the forum for some time now as after holidays things at work got so crazy that in the evenings I just collapsed to bed, unable to read anything.
Apart from that, I'm fine. I already got all results from all the medical tests and it's all good. Meaning all dangerous illnesses were ruled out. So, I'm happy! I'm not 100% yet, it will still take some time but at least I don't freak out anymore about what it could be.
A lot of things happened with my MLCer in the past few weeks. And I must say I'm very surprised by my own feelings. I don't know if it's temporary or it's final but my feelings towards my h got very negative at first and now I'm completely indifferent. I really feel bad about it. I feel like I'm a heartless monster. Just cannot help it. I'll explain from the start:
On h's request/suggestion, we agreed some time before Xmas that I'll stay with the kids to spend it with him and then he'll help me drive to our second home. I said I will stay but I don't want to end up being alone on Xmas day, if he comes just for an hour or so, kids will go to their rooms after some time and I'll be alone instead of my family who are already disappointed that we are not coming to spend Xmas with them this year. H said, if I stay he will spend the whole day at home with us, will go buy sea food for dinner, I should not worry. To cut the story short: a week before Xmas eve he said he'll take the kids to see his parents. They will leave 23/12 and come back 24/12 (we celebrate Xmas on 24/12). I didn't say anything, just ordered sea food from a restaurant and let him do what he wants.
They arrived very late (he could not know there would be such traffic jam etc....). So, stupid me, I stayed so he's not alone for Xmas and I ended up spending the whole day by myself. But we had nice dinner after they came, exchanged presents (I also got one from h - a book), played some games and the next morning we left.
He spent 2 days with us in our second home and he left while me and kids went to spend a week with my parents. In the evening of 31/12 he texts me to agree that he'll call after midnight. I said fine, we'll be still up. He didn't call, so I just sent a picture of kids wishing him happy new year. He replied to all of us but did not call. Didn't call kids on 1/1 either. I thought it was because I was driving back from my parents to our second home to spend another week there with the kids and he didn't want to disturb while driving. I let him know we arrived, he said good but did not call them. S13 went to bed around 7pm, he always does that when something is wrong. I talked to him and he said he was very disappointed that his father did not call. We talked, I calmed him down and let him sleep.
Later that week, h let me know that he had some complication and he needs to do some tests before his hernia operation to see if hernia not a secondary thing to something else like a big polyp or cancer. I told him not to fly then, that I'll leave with the kids a day early, so if too tired to drive by myself in one day, we can sleep over somewhere halfway. He said no, he's coming to get us and it's fine. He came, explained in detail what doctor told him, we had nice dinner all together in a restaurant (if someone was watching us they must have thought what a happy family) and then the "harmony" continued in the car on the way back home the next day. We talked about neutral things, work etc., laughed a lot, joked around. And then, just a few km left to home, we talk about kids and I mentioned that they were disappointed he did not call to wish them happy new year. And then the explosion, he finds it unbelievable that his kids and his parents all think it's his responsibility to call. Nobody called him (he said he will call). I told him since he wants to keep his "private life private" we never know where he is, what he does, so we don't call anymore especially when he said he will. He said if we don't know whether our call would disturb him, we should first check with him by sending a text (!!!).
We came back home and he started to tell me he has to divorce me, there is no other way, I'm terrible, he cannot live with someone like me. He doesn't know how his operation will go, he may die, but if he makes it, he made himself a promise and I'll see! When I asked what promise, he said his promises to himself are his promises and it's none of my business.... He cannot stand me, he feels like trowing up every time he sees me. And that was it. I just opened the door and made him leave.
The next day he talks to me like if nothing happened. I just said hello back and left the room. After a few days he realised I'm not talking to him and he saw I'm not wearing rings anymore. And since then he only texts or e-mails very technical things.
Before his operation I sent him a message to let me know if he needs me or the kids for anything (e.g. I could drive him back from hospital to his apartment) and wished him good luck. He just thanked me but didn't ask anything.
The day of his operation he just texts me to say he's back and is fine. Then that he is back to his apartment and doesn't need anything, he'll manage. His parents did not come though before they said they would. But I expected they will find an excuse why they cannot come. Only my FIL came to spend about 2 hours here the day after he was released from the hospital. I talked to them on the phone the day of the operation as I knew my MIL will call hospital every 30 minutes. Then we talked after a few days and it was all about how my FIL is not happy that his son is so isolated in his little apartment. That he had to take a taxi alone from the hospital etc. I told her I offered help but he refused so I cannot do more.
But what is strange is that before Xmas I was worried about his operation, especially that the last operation he had ended up badly (and started his MLC). But the days prior and the day of the operation I felt nothing! Absolutely nothing. I was so surprised by it. Told my mom I feel like a monster. She told me it's just me protecting myself as it's very short time since he told me all those things. But I don't know. I was more annoyed expecting how he will exaggerate everything after the operation, the poor thing that he is etc. Which he did try, it just didn't work with me. But that's another long story.
So that's where we are. I went to see a lawyer. I want to have one ready if h files. I was about to file myself but I don't want to do something I may regret later. Though right now, I do not see it possible taking him back after everything that was said and done. But the lawyer also suggested not to file. She said it's very costly and she would only do it if I was about to marry someone else (she's very funny lady).
I know he's not well but I know I tried my best to help him and understand him and I just reached the limit of insults I'm willing to listen to.
I think he's more and more aware that he's not well, he even ordered one of the books I recommended him to read (back in November when he asked me for help finding psychologist). The book just arrived (to our address). I'll be happy if he starts doing something to feel better but more because I hope it will improve his relationship with the kids. For us, I'm afraid, it's too late.
Off to bed now but as of tomorrow I will start catching up on what's new with all of you.
Last edited by job; 02/05/1703:54 PM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
Good to hear you're okay and the serious illnesses were ruled out. I'm sorry to read about your h's actions and words. You certainly didn't deserve that. So ridiculous! Good for you for not putting up with it. Maybe he got so upset because he knows he was wrong and/or feels guilty but in typical MLC fashion they lash out. I was recently upset about W not calling but was reminded by everyone here not to have any expectations. I know it must be even harder with a 13yo. My kids are young enough I can distract them etc. when they ask about it. Sadly they've gotten more used to it.
I think your mom is right about you protecting yourself. We have to for the kids and our own well-being. It's hard to feel compassion for someone who hurts us so badly. I've found those LBS feelings, wax and wane, sometimes by the minute.
How are you doing Bee? You mentioned we were going through D at the same time and I've been wondering how you've been. I hope things are going well (or as good as they can be).
coming back after a long time. I had quite a busy period both at work and privately. Plus my eye problem got worse again and I had to limit reading, especially on the screen. Now all is fine again with the eye, though busy period still continues and I can't wait for 2017 to finish (hoping 2018 will be better!).
I'm now officially divorced for about 3 weeks. The court took its time but this was just a formality anyway as we agreed on everything a few months ago. The negotiations went relatively well, my xh could not be bothered and, as usual, left all the work on me. His lawyer was not the best one (and missed the first hearing about kids arrangement) so me and my lawyer we had to step in quite a few times, rewrite the agreement (it was his lawyer's job to write it as he filed...). In short, I was pleased with how it went and with the result though they were some MLC things going on which were quite hurtful but I decided not to make too much out of it.
I never thought that we would get here. And that is why it's very surprising for me to feel relieved. But that's how I feel. I've come a long way since I fist came to this forum. Looking for hope, answers, success stories, some strengths to continue fighting for my marriage...
Well, I found my success story, though very much different from the one I was hoping for when I first came here. I remember I was so upset when the therapists were telling me that some marriages are not meant to be saved, that I should run away from my h fast and far. And while I still believe that after so many years together one should try to do the maximum to try to save the marriage, now I know that I did all I could but sometimes the best of one person is just not enough.
If I have one regret, looking back, I should have let him go when his first crisis started (but then I did not know about this forum, sadly). Now we are where we are and I am happy with the outcome. Kids and I are fine. Xh seems to be the one who is not happy but that was his choice and he will have to deal with it.
I'm adjusting to the new reality. Sometimes it feels strange to do some things alone after so many years in a couple. But it's also quite liberating. There are still a few things we do as a family but those are now limited. It's time that everyone, and especially xh, realises that things are not as they were before.
Xh is doing slightly better. Already before the summer started to be there more for the kids and seek their company more and more. He apologised to me again for what he did and said I did not deserve it. Maintains eye contact more and more when talking to me. His smile touches the eyes now too. He's still far from his usual self but I can see a progress. Though some days are better than others. He tries to talk to me more and more, mostly about his work. He changed jobs which I think helped him a bit as it's new and exciting and he feels useful again. When he's with the kids he texts me to say what they do (even though my kids are big and we are in regular contact when they are with him).
He comes to my house regularly but that is something I may need to limit at some point. Do not want to punish children so for the moment leaving it as it is but it does feel strange to me now.
I don't know what the future will bring and I would lie if I said I do not have some difficult moments; moments when I feel like I just took the easier way out, gave up etc. But most of the time I'm happy with the outcome. It may be that my health issues, and the fact that I had so little energy as a result, I had to prioritise differently. And now it's time for me to get back in shape and enter 2018 in full strenght!
I am very glad you returned. I'm glad your eye is doing much better.
You sound good. I'm sorry it came down to a divorce, but I'm sure you feel relieved, i.e., some of the heavy burden has been lifted off your shoulders, so to speak.
Bee, no matter the situation, each and every person that comes here is a success story. Why? Because each and every person does eventually come to realize that they are the most important person in the world and they learn to love themselves once again and yes, learn to live and enjoy life again. You did all you could to try to save your marriage and you should be proud of the way you handled everything. Dealing w/a spouse in crisis is not the easiest thing in the world and each person has to find the right tools to help themselves. We try to provide some tools to help, but it is up to each person to take away what they can use and toss the rest out.
Bee, you are doing great. No one knows what life has in store for us...but I know this...as we all travel the path of the unknown, we will find that inner strength and dig deep for patience and compassion and if we use those tools in our daily lives, we will be just fine at the end of each day.
Please don't be a stranger. Come back to post again very soon.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
