infidelity/WAH, my story

[SH_]

Forgive me Sara if I sound like a broken record, but please start detaching.

This forum is a great place to vent, and I have done so myself.
My challenge to you is to follow up the venting with positive plans of action or thoughts for yourself.

You know that he is giving up valuable things due to his poor decisions. But he can only figure that out for himself.
You need to focus on you and your plans for maintains the valuable things you have and earning more for your life and your children's life.

A key DB principle is to focus on yourself. This principle seems so unrecognized on this forum by so many LBS.
And I understand the challenge for that. I have lived it.

But I know that we are what we think first and then what we do second.

Continue to vent about him, but be sure to follow it up with what you are doing for you. The mind tends to hang on to the last things we think and then do. If we bitch about our WAS on here, and then walk away with that as our final thought, it then eats at us for a bit.
Now for me, if I end my post on a pleasant thought of my daughters, a goal, a plan of action, that is what stays in my mind as I take action.

Please give it a try. It will be a challenge at first. Kind of like working out at the gym for the first time. But as you continue to do it, you will make it a habit, and then you will take on the power you have lost.

Google the Ted talk by Guy Winch. Apply the first aid. You will benefit tremendously from it.

(((Sara)))

[PsySara]

Thank you so much, SadHub. I just watched the TedTalk and it was extremely helpful. I will start doing the 2 minute distraction when I begin to ruminate. That has been a BIG problem, the negative ruminations. I am particularly vulnerable to this at night time when there is so little to distract me. Last night I wasn't able to fall asleep because H went out to eat with a group of friends and one of them was a nurse. The AP is a nurse so I have generalized my anxiety to nurses and my H interacting. (ridiculous because he is a doctor and he will be unable to avoid interacting with nurses in his day-to-day life.

So goals for today:
1. no tracker checks on H today
2. continue to work on child care arrangements for when I move (have to email a good potential match)
3. Do sit ups and push ups today (when I get home)
4. grocery shop

Of course this is to be accomplished while working a full day at work as well, haha. The weather is fantastic so I want to take the kids outside after they come home from preschool too. We spent 2 hours outside yesterday and they were tired and happy by bedtime.

[SH_]

Sara

I love the PMA in your post. You are gonna get it done today girl

For the night time, I find reading uplifting material or watching tedtalks and other motivational videos can help.
The idea is to go to sleep with the positive things going into my head. It can help with sleep as well as they say the subconcious tends to dwell on the last things placed in the thoughts. I have found some value in doing it.

I am telling you, your last post sounds like a person only a fool would leave.
Keep at it. You are a superhero and those lil ones need you.

Enjoy the time with them tonight

[PsySara]

Thanks SadHub, sometimes I need a directed 2x4 (concrete advice with verbs) to jolt me out of a funk. The rest of the day went by fairly well and I was able to focus more on me and the kids than anything else.

Last evening he called and said he had been speaking to recruiters in the area I am moving. He was given VERY good offers and at hospitals within 10 minutes of where I will be living. He then mentioned wanting to perhaps continue to also work at the hospital out of state once a month. I was unsure what to say since one of the absolute rules for our marriage to survive is he moves home permanently and does not work out of state. I was unsure if DBing encouraged my next action but I did it anyway. This was the convo:

Me: "You want to continue to work there once a month."

H; "Yeah because they will give me a good paycheck."

Me: "I am not okay with you living away from home. That was the start of the affair and set up the stage for the disaster that followed. Your children need you. Money is nice but you can't buy back their childhood. They need you, you are important to this family, you are their only father."

H: "I hear you, I understand."

Then we discussed the different offers and I told him it sounded like he had lots of options. (they were offering more pay than what he gets out of state but no vacation time. However he would be working 7 days on and then 7 days off) He mentioned another hospital that was offering a LOT less money and it was a longer commute. My response was, "They don't seem to be valuing your skill sets, you bring a lot to the table and they don't seem to be seeing that. It sounds like they are low balling you." He actually sounded surprised that I gave him a side-ways compliment and thanked me. I am not sure if this is a form of validation or pursuing but it surprised him which appears to be a 180, so I will continue to frame things this way if it works.

In the meantime I am not putting any emotion into these words and actions until they come to fruition. At any time he can change his mind and simply not follow through on moving and getting employment where I will be living. I also mentioned at the end of the convo, "We're not addressing it right now because of all the changes and transitions but we do need to talk." HE responded positively to that and I ended the convo lightly talking about the kids and letting him Facetime with them. Our 3 yo son said, "I love you, daddy. You need to come to my home" My H kind of melted because my son is more attached to me than him and usually doesn't seem to care when H is away. I think it was a good anchor for H, he sees he is valued and loved by his family, there is something to come home to.