THanks so much! yes I have struggled with depression, it comes and goes. I took Rx for years, didn't really work, and caused side effects. Withdrawal was even worse and lasted over a year. I do alternative treatments and am working with a new holistic care team. Some days are much harder than others of course; especially weekends, no?
Thanks again. trying to become best godly woman/wife and version of myself I can
Hi Bluwave, thank you for validating, sometimes like today crying and crying I think of how I treated him, took him for granted, and leaned on him so much while not taking thingsn seriously myself, I feel I brought in aka "created the monster" myself and feel terribly guilty/sorry. I have tried apologizing and would NEVER want that unhealthy way in our relationship. How did it turn around for you, if I might ask? How long? Whta signs woudl I look for for IF? I have no idea. It coudl be online, he works online a lot, but also met new friends (we just arrived knowing basically no one). So it's possible; but as a recent christian with a deep good conscience, I know it couldn't last. H'e's way too good of a man if that were the case. He has gone to confession as well befor adn we recently met with a priest who offered to meet us individually, and he seeemed comfortable with him, so hopefully he might pursue that once he is at that point. I just don't know how he can go without any contact, erasing all photos, blocking, knowing I'm struggling, with no outward concern or compunction. Knowing him, unless he's being heavily influence by other family/people/counselor, it's pretty hard to believe he himself could be at peace with it. He's too good of a person.
JksD, my parents have their issues I struggled with gorwing up, they are not in a place to help at all $ or much emotionally, it's actually more stressful being there, so I cannot jsut move back, and don't have much supprot there either. Friends are avail by phone in other states, which is literally my lifeline, but so hard being physically alone day after day. i miss hugging, holding (always a good one for uss), holding hands, gentle touch, cooking, hiking, laughing, all of it. And his family, like crazy.
Thank you so much
ReNewed, oh sweetie, you are much too hard on yourself! You are not in any way, shape, or form responsible for your H's actions! You are never responsible for someone else's actions--that is codependent thinking and not healthy! He is his own person and 100% responsible for the way he handles his choices. In any R, there are 2 people, and all people make mistakes or have hardships! And in any M, it is the responsibility of each partner to communicate what they feel, what they need, and to let their spouse know what isn't working for them. That was his responsibility to you as a H and he has failed at that. To pick up and walk out on your partner, and then to cut off all ties, is neglectful and emotionally abusive! So you CANNOT blame yourself.
You are getting some very good advice here. You are in crisis mode and so it can be hard to swallow right now. Trust the vets and those that have come out on the other side of this; you cannot control or manipulate H. You cannot mind read what he is doing and why. You can only control you and your actions. And YOU are the most important person in YOUR life. You have to learn to care for yourself, treat yourself with kindness, and start to move forward without H. He may at some point notice and come back or he may not. If he does not, trust me, you DO NOT want him. You deserve better than this!
How did things turn around for me? It took a very long time. H had an EA for 6-12 mos, he left me for about 1 year, and during that year his EA went to a full blown R, and he turned our life & family upside down! We had to interact often because we have kids. There were several signs of guilt/regret throughout that year, and I tried to mind read, but I can tell you now that that never works! Some signs--him trying to talk to me, puppy dog eyes, nice emails, offering to do things for me, trying to help more at the house or with kids, and him telling me he was scared. There were times I thought he wanted to come back, and only some of the time I was right. Other times he was just feeling guilty, sad, and confused. He was in a fog and not thinking clearly most of the time. You cannot read into H's words, actions, or texts.
When H was ready to come back to be, it was different and I knew without a doubt. He did a 180 and it happened fast, in 1-2 weeks. He was remorseful, he was transparent, and he was 100% committed to doing whatever it took to make the marriage work. If your spouse is coming back to you, you will just know. In the mean time, trying to mind read only causes further stress and wasted energy. You are better than that.
So let him go. I know that is so hard and not what you want to hear. Torturing yourself and blaming yourself will not bring him back. And you deserve better than that. Learn to self love, take the steps you need to find your happiness and confidence, and you take all the time you need. If H doesn't notice over time and come back, then someone better will. These things have a way of working themselves out over time.
Ironically, H has done you a favor. You didn't like how you treated him or who you were when you were with him. Do you really want to go back to that life? Now is your chance stand up tall, think about what you want in life, and learn to be the best person you can be.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
WAH left 3 mo ago, has been adamant in course to D when he can legally July. Met with mediator again last week, we ended up talking about the 'real' issues' vs. asset crap, she recognized it's not her field and waste of our $ to talk there, he emailed later saying he doesn't want to return to mediation and thinks therapy more appropriate-didn't know he meant each of us on our OWN. I replied suggesting we meet with my counselor-he misunderstood, thought I meant for marraige counseling (already vehemnetly refused) My counselor can't even see us as a couple, but I need to clairfy that it was intended as a facilitated meeting to discuss the 'real' issues before signing away cars, closing bakn account. I got email from him stating "i WILL NOT go to couples counseling, our marriage is over and I have nothing to discuss with you in therapy."
i feel completely disrespected (as I did him unknowingly for years) and uncomfortalbe in his presence, as he's become cold and cruel; I also don't know if I can trust him. I am torn between being "collaborative and cooperative" and sticking up for myself/respect and slowing things down. He just wants to hurry this up. NO IDEA if there in affair, don't care either. Here's my response. He wnats to meet on a certain day next week. I cannot wait for DB phone coaching appt as it's so time sensitive. Feedback greatly appreciated:
"I want to acknowledge that I had understood previously your decision to not pursue marriage counseling together, so I wanted to clarify my last email. Given our discussion at the mediation session, as Linda mentioned, it seemed fitting to continue the conversation with a counselor or similar professional. Thus I suggested my counselor because he can serve as a facilitator for honest, open, respectful conversation that has been pending since December and perhaps longer. It was not intended as the start of couples therapy; in his particular practice, he is not actually professionally able to do that since I've been his client for individual counseling.
I am not available on that date, and at this time, I am not comfortable meeting about the material issues in trust before addressing the deeper issues respectfully. Thank you for respecting the confidentiality of this email."
Are you wanting feedback as to if you should send that email or if you should just make some changes?
My initial sense is that there is too much in there. It seems he has you backed you in a corner and you feel you need to explain yourself. You do not. As you stated, he is cold and cruel now, and so I am not sure he will even be able to hear your message. He is defensive and has his guard up.
You are understandably very fragile right now and I don't want him to use your vulnerability against you. I think right now less is more. I know you are feeling like you need to explain yourself, but I think since you are on the fence about what to say, then simply excuse yourself from the meeting. You are not available to meet then and that is it for now. Do not let him pressure you, intimidate you, or force you to rush into any decisions! Keep your chin up.
When you say that you need to discuss "deeper" issues first, what does that mean? It sounds as if you are needing to build trust and some sort of cordial R before settling on D, is that what you mean? If so, I completely understand how you feel. Unfortunately, people often have to come to settlements and agreements, even with all the stress and hard feelings lingering.
Hang in there! -Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Blu Thanks so much for responding. It's great to have feedback and connection in this storm.
I suppose by explanation, I mean that I want to convey that I heard him not wanting to do marriage counseling, which he seemed to think I intended. I feel like I Have to acknowledge and gently clarify since that would be pushing and not respecting his boundaries.
other than that, no other explaining woudl help right now I suppose.
I may go ahead and say I am not available on that date and leave it at that. Have to speka with my atty first anyways. It is hard to trust him about the practical actions he wants to do on our own now (determine amoutn for the 'spousal support'-which i DONT want psychologically and he said he does NOT want to provide, only out of deference to the law). Also, I have to find out from legal if sign away and completel all the tasks about car titles, etc., then can the trial date still remain? the only purpose is to 'buy time' while I DB, not to pay for a court trial, as he thinks it means. But I am not to explain that I think.
Cadet, thank you for assisting with the previous posts.
I have not replied to his email of last week yet becuase I want to be very careful and was so upset about it. I nkow the delay upsets him, but I figured that didn't outweight potentially upsetting him more with my response.
"I want to acknowledge that I had understood previously your decision to not pursue marriage counseling together, so I wanted to clarify my last email. Given our discussion at the mediation session, as Linda mentioned, it seemed fitting to continue the conversation with a counselor or similar professional. Thus I suggested my counselor because he can serve as a facilitator for honest, open, respectful conversation that has been pending since December and perhaps longer. It was not intended as the start of couples therapy; in his particular practice, he is not actually professionally able to do that since I've been his client for individual counseling.
I am not available on that date, and at this time, I am not comfortable meeting about the material issues in trust before addressing the deeper issues respectfully. Thank you for respecting the confidentiality of this email."
Hi Renewed, this sounds rather like a business email. I think there is too much of it and the tone is formal.
So you want to tell him you understand about the MC and that you aren't available on the proposed date.
How about this - Hi H, I understand what you're saying and that you don't want to go to marriage counselling. I can't make the date you suggested, so can we try for something the following week please?
Take care, Renewed.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
