WAS or what (6)

[Zephyr]

started to reread from the beginning.

you are doing great!

[roist]

Z, thank you for wanting to reread my threads and thank you for being there from the beginning. You were the first person to write to me when I first outlined my story. It is a pity that post is lost.

I've reread my first thread (well second as my first was lost, though that is propbably no harm veiwing how I was then!!) Honestly I have found reading things from a year ago, really not motivating.

I probably don't post much about my R anymore so it is hard to see, but I am in the same position, or at least very similar, but I have changed. I am not the same man. I am not afraid of my W or if she leaves. I stand up to her when needed and set any boundaries I need. I like myself and know I will only get better. I have an image of how I want to raise my sons. I am more aware of different dynamics, patterns etc. that I was oblivious to before.

I have decided that this is not as good as it gets and is not what I want. My wife has until I have finished working on a few key issues for me. After that we will see. Maybe I will find something else to work on and put off the inevitable. But ultimately I am ready to let go this R.

My biggest reason for staying may become my main reason to leave. My boys. I believed and still do that staying together in a loving family is best for them. However a dysfonctional unhappy M is not the model I want them to grow up with, even if they are loved fully by both of us.

I am not down whilst writing this. I feel full of potential that in the future will explode and fill my life and that of my sons with fun and love and happiness. I feel caged in this M, but I imagine that soon that cage will burst and I will reach my full potential.

Can that be done staying within this R? I have my doubts. I can only go so far along my path within this cage. Either the cage expands too or it breaks. Que sera sera.

I am not finished working on me. There is more to be done and some changes required are deep entrenched, so will take time to achieve. I give that gift of time back to my W.

I'll post more when I read my other threads. I am eager to read the actions etc I had planned on working on.

[roist]

Finished reading my second thread. I'll share my thoughts when I finish the others. I have really struggled. I think I followed the best path available but won't necessarily repeat the same path. It has served me to get to where I am at and no other path would have achieved that.

Anyway continuing my learning I came across something called inner bonding. I have only scratched the surface, so I am not sure about it. But it is interesting. It is about connecting to ones self. I already have gone through a similar concept so I want to evaluate the differences.

The path I have chosen for my boys is parenting by connection.The lack of connection with my W is why I got into this mess and hence what I would like the chance to rebuild.

I will reflect on this but the lack of connection appears to be the root of many of societies problems and mine in particular.Connection resonates with me as the path to follow.

[Cadet]

You can only connect with someone that wants to be connected to you.

Not sure right now you have that choice.

You are only responsible for your 50% of the marriage.

[roist]

I agree that unless W wants to reconnect there will be no connection. Thank you for sharing your observation. Any other insights?

My path is to connect deeply with my kids. With myself.Deepen my connection to others. My W is not my priority right now as I know that is a waste of energy. But I will continue to improve my tool set for a better R down the road. To do that I will need to improve certain skills including empathy and validation, amongst others.

The more I work on myself the more there is to work on. Or at least more I want to work on.

[Cadet]

The more I work on myself the more there is to work on.
Or at least more I want to work on.

Just that working on self is a Lifetime event.
You get to stop when they put you in a box and shovel dirt on you.
Dont let that stop you from continuing to move forward.

[roist]

WOW I have finished rereading all my threads. Not sure how I feel about all of that. I will be removing them all soon for two reasons. Firstly as a precaution in case W gets curious about me and "snoops"!! Secondly I am hesitant to have my life out there forever for everyone to see. I suppose a third reason is I want to move on from there too.

To move on I have copied many posts from all these threads. I did not copy everything and left some good advice and thoughts behind. I took what I thought could help me going forward at this stage in my process. I thank everyone who has contributed to my journey.

Just a quick clarification, for those who have read all my threads and continue to follow my journey. I am not and have not swept the issue of inappropriate friend under the carpet. I have not mentioned it much and have purposefully not included much about it in my recap thread.

This is not to belittle the importance I attached to it but more to avoid my focusing exclusively on this. Furthermore this friendship seems to have disintegrated. My W, two FF and this guy used to be a close gang. W now has very little if any contact with any of them. Recently one of the W had a birthday party. Mr inappropriate was there. But W was not even aware there was a party until we saw it on FB.

If this friendship reblossoms I will enforce a full boundary. Until then I choose to focus on me and my path and basically the part of this journey that I can actually control.

I will start a new thread later and I will link it to my recap thread. Then after reviewing my old threads I will get them removed. Anyone interested in reading my full journey have only a few days before I ask the administrators to remove my threads.