I did the same things you're doing for 2+ years. My wife and I are together today. Nothing is ever hopeless. I had emails saying she never wanted to be a wife and mother. Imagine how that feels? I read emails saying she never really loved me. Imagine how that feels when we had been married 26 years at the time and she had my heart 100%. Nothing is ever hopeless. The fog of affairs or MLC or whatever can be really powerful. Like going down the dark side of the force and trying to come back to the light (sorry for the nerdy reference but affair fog is like being seduced by the dark side of the force. It consumes our cheaters).
How long you should think about it is up to you. What does she really want? Is she still wayward or is that truly in the past and she wants to R? If there is any continuing "waywardness" then there is ZERO point to working on the R. I lasted over 2 years like this then gave up and filed for D. In a weird twist of fate it was that event that snapped her out of it. As she tells me it was like a bolt of lightening that hit her right in the head and cleared her mind instantly. She finally saw the situation from outside herself and was horrified at who she had become.
Will that work for everybody? Nope. We're all snowflakes. Sometimes we follow patterns (cheaters almost always follow the cheater's script) but we're also unique human beings. We can give you general advice and my own advice is always based strictly on my experience and my obsessive research on infidelity following my experience. Still, it's your unique situation and you have to decide what to do. Your fate is really in your hands. You can work with her and map out a strategy to a new, healthy R or you can cut your losses and move on. Either way, you WILL be ok. Tomorrow the sun will rise and you'll be OK. If you get to a point where you really know that you'll be fine either way (and I know we all lie to ourselves that we're at that point when we're not, I know I did) then you can really work on this situation productively and not while being led by a broken heart. Making life decisions from the perspective of a broken heart is unwise.
Edit - OK NOW you can start a new thread - Cadet
Last edited by Cadet; 02/11/1606:38 AM. Reason: start a new thread message
So little bit of drama tonight. OMW texted me saying there would be no contact. I asked her how she knew. She's in the dark for sure. But I called her and then texted her after. Obviously he was lying to his wife but there were several things he lied to my wife about. Plus he through my wife under the bus to his wife saying she was like a stalker. So I shared that info with my w when she got home. Weird. The guy is a jerk who has had previous affairs. Think it my have bursted her bubble on prince charming. Not out of the woods by any means but I've been telling her for a long time he's just out for a piece of ass. Think she's seeing that now. Hoping this is the wake up call she needs. Told her he'd try to lie his way out of it. We'll see if she buys it. She looks pissed tho and that's not good usually.
If nothing else I feel a little bit good about being right about the D Bag.
Told my wife if she leaves I'd be doing same thing. Lying to hot girls to get some action. I'm sure that impressed here. Beautiful part is I have a buddy who is leading on this girl for sex and it bugs my W. I said it's the same deal with u. She thinks she's in love too. Still a crappy deal for me but it was nice to have a little moment like this. Long way to go. Still need to know it's over before I can move forward.
The kind of man who cheats on his wife with another man's wife is never ever going to be Prince Charming. You were always the better choice but again, the fog. It'll make them act completely nuts. They'll say horrible things they don't mean. It's so powerful. It makes you feel like you have to try and help them break free of it even though they've hurt you so bad. It's like their sick and you took a vow to stick by their side in sickness and in health, for better or for worse. I hope to God that she starts seeing this terrible person for who he really is before she ruins the best part of her life.
I have felt that all along. Like she is sick. I know it's not exactly the same but I wouldn't leave my wife if she got cancer. If this can't wake her up I'm afraid nothing will and I'll be forced to move on for my own health.
Question for you Tx... How are things for you now? We're you able to get past things? Are you happy?
Do I jump on this opening of her thinking he's a jerk? I'm sure he'll try to explain it all even though it's there in texts. Do I email her and remind her of the ways he has lied to her and other things about his character... Not feeling like the affair is wrong... Being willing to walk away from his kids... He's a real winner. Or do I stay with leaving her alone?
I do feel like this is a key moment. If her fantasy land crumbles she might wake up. I don't want her to get sucked back in but I don't want to push her away.
I really believe that if after all she read and I told her his wife said... If she still tells me she loves this guy... I can't continue to try. I'm not doing anything now, but I will have to make a decision that is best for me.
I get it will take her time even if it is over, but if she can't say I'm done with this guy now I think I will have lost all hope.
Guess I didn't have to say much this morning. She was not happy. He made it look to his wife that she was stalking him and wouldn't leave him alone. That she had crazy fantasies but he didn't have feelings for her. She wants to email the wife his emails proving otherwise. The lies to my W were the most damaging I think. He told her he was moving out to a buddies place, but the wife texted me saying there was no plan for him to move out and he said he loved her and wanted to work on their marriage.
I told her to talk to her brother for advice. She needs to talk to him today. He will be furious and she will feed off of it. Not sure if I should contact him and say, hey, give your sister a call today. She needs someone to talk to.
