Cali babe, Job is right: until someone walks a mile in your shoes, they'd best stfu. Only you will know when it's time to walk away, if that time ever comes. From what I've heard from others, that moment, if it happens, is crystal clear.
Just my thought as I have been wondering the same thing a lot since 12/25's "Hijinks with Hubby" when I realized how completely the relationships with extended family have been damaged by his leaving. My parents ... God love 'em, they're devastated. I too feel like I'm crazy to contemplate standing for a marriage when I haven't really been given any clear sign that there's any reason to stand. I will tell you what I tell myself on my good days: I did not get married to get divorced. The world does not need another middle aged Divorcee. There is more good in this relationship than bad, even given the complete BS of the past 8 months. Marriage is a sacrament: it is how we learn to love God through true intimacy with one other person. You know this, as you are also Catholic. There is a boy (my 16year old) watching all of this unfold. It is going to have a profound affect on how he views love, marriage, relationships and intimacy for the rest of his life. I need to make sure I'm a power of example for this child. He deserves parents who gave it their best shot.
Like you, I cannot explain it, there is just this deep feeling within me, underneath all the fear, that there's more to do here. It's not time to take my ring off yet. It's not time to walk away.
Does any of that make sense?
Someday, maybe you can share your STFU Smoothie recipe. I need to drink more of them, for sure. I don't think I could live with my MLCer right now. S tells me from time to time how snappish he is on phone with his employees. Sounds dreadful. His constant tension, seething anger ... no, I don't miss that and frankly am relieved not to have to live with it.
Regarding wife's PMS ... you mentioned something about diet and her going a holistic route. Is she working with someone, an integrative md or a reputable experienced herbalist? There are many things she could do to help with the hormones. I'm unclear if you're saying things got worse when she went that route or better?
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
At times I am torn between thinking I am strong by standing firm, or possible weak by not saying enough is enough and leaving her ... I am sure many people .. not the ones here .. just people looking in would all tell me I am better off without her, I am not sure but I just feel I am supposed to continue this as I have, hard to explain it which makes me ponder if I am in fact nuts for sticking this out for so long.
Only a strong man who truly loved himself, his family and his wife could have gotten to where you are now, Cali. Never for a moment consider yourself weak.
I remember when I felt close to throwing in the towel quite often. Now the thought barely crosses my mind.
It won't always be this tough, Cali.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Cali- I think you are incredibly strong. Seriously like superhero strong for taking a stand. You are using this time to be stronger and wiser. You are showing your family that marriage is a sacrament and you are showing your wife what love is through your vows. Lots of people profess to love someone but they are not able to grasp what that means. i admire you and even if things don't work out then you'll be able to look into the mirror each morning.
People are quick to leave when they feel bad. A lot of people stay simply out of fear. They are paralyzed to make change. You are not those people. You have looked at your fears and you've felt pretty awful. You didn't run - you remained and reflected and are making a choice to value what is valuable to your soul. That is like Jedi warrior strong. May the force be with you.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Job... Thank you for your words, and yeah sometimes like others I come here and vent just for the fact its honestly my little closet in the world I can run into and scream like a frustrated 10 year old .... then I picture myself leaving all cool and collected... but your words were very kind and I read them often till I realized I am a little amazing .. just a wee bit.
bttrfly...Its not that anyone tells me I should run, but deep down I think its my father who I feel is constantly shaking his head and telling me .. WTF I did not raise you to be this way. But then again both my parents were not ture yet they stuck it out under what I can only guess was a don't ask/don't tell policy. One day I will check the recipe for the STFU smoothie and post it .. I think I am close to perfecting it. As far as the PMS /... yes she is working with a qualified person, but like all things my MLCr has problems sticking to anything for very long.
FY,,, looking at things .. I do feel on some level if any of us did not hit that point we at the least fantasized about tossing in the towel it would be us who needs to be checked out ... again thank you my friend your patience inspires and TBH scares the crap out of me ...lol
Gwen .. Thanks .. do I get a cape?... I mean at the least I want a sword or something.
Ok ... so W is out doing her PTG thing for S;s school thought I would jump on as I have been thinking about a few things ... may be just a collection of ramblings to be honest but I have been thinking a bit .. New Year and all.
So last week I was looking on the computer for some old photos ... was searching sent emails of W's and came across an email from a guy whom she was helping out with a job ... yeah snoop a bit but I was curious more to the change in title (by him) which went from "BLah Bla Postition" to "Wanna go out Dancing?" So after the guy thanked W for helping him interview (he did not get the job) he asks her out Sat night for a night of dancing and said he would have her spinning around in no time. Part of me laughed ... she has been fighting vertigo for a few weeks ... the other part was curious to what she would do ... Saturday approached and no lame excuse, we were at the zoo the entire day. I actually am at a place she could have gone, part of me was almost wanting that in a strange way ... knowing I could not have done anything regardless I did not bring it up nor was I upset about it ... the guy tried and most likely thinks W is single as she has acted as such for the past 2-3 years (regardless her last name is obviously not hers) I can not stop guys from asking her out .. but the fact I was actually not spinning about it has helped me realize I am getting closer to who I was prior to BD,OM, and the A.
Ok ... MLCr observation ramblings. The rings are still off .. been over a month now, I have stopped wearing mine just for the fact I feel its one sided and in a strange way me pursuing/appearing I will always be 'here' ... if she wants to have R talk and work things out I am all ears ... but at the moment I am good... detached and doing my thing. Another thing .. the dog ... she is crushing all over this dog, spoiling him, getting up and putting her robe on him (as he sleeps next to me) ... over the top with this dog, same dog 2 1/2 years ago she was going to put in a shelter as she was leaving. I took the dog, my dog always has been and wanted S to have something of a normal atmosphere all things considered. Things the past week have been good ... some joking between us, but the distance/pursuit dance is still going, she felt me pulling away and by Saturday thanked me for the Zoo and gave me a nice kiss ... no ILY and hasnt been for a month or so .. but she is sharing things and at times playful ... at other times she can snap quickly but reels herself back in fast, enough to give me neck pains with the wiplash. On the zoo trip W brought a book ... was one I bought a bit ago about different personality types and attraction between them. This surprised me a bit ... pleasent surprise as its about as close to IC as she has been ... this book has been out and moved about the past week or so.
I have been sick, like flu/cold sick ... and staying on the couch as I do not want to get her/anyone else sick .... w has made a few comments about 'why dont I just come to bed' ... even Friday night after my gig I have always slept in the other room to not wake anyone, S was in there and told me "Mom wants you to sleep with her in your room" ... all strange but seems to play into the Distance/pursuit dance we do so well.
I was reading elsewhere on Reconnection/Reconciliation and how long it can take, how the MLCr may be sorry but not show true remorse ... seems my W is right there with them. I do think if I were granted a do-over I would have held out moving in, forced W to do the work a bit because it does feel she needed to make sure I was not going anywhere, once she had me in the house the progress has slowed to a snails pace. She has some MLC traits like keeping herself very busy with work, S's school, classes on health and diet, yoga (this is new for this week) ... just anything to stay busy and seemingly still searching for that elusive happiness.
I am not wrapped up in it... pretty level and good honestly, I took Sunday to myself and went on a ride with a buddy, we formed a 2 man motorcylce gang named the Burrito-Bandito's and we ride the first weekend of the month, its hilarious to me but I look forward to our trips, ride for an hour, hit a little brewery or restuarant and eat, have a beer, then ride home ... went almost all day Sunday regardless of not feeling my best I was not letting some sniffles keep me from doing it.
All this being said .. I noticed how when W is sick I help her out quite a bit, she even told me Friday I think it was that I am to kind, I shrugged thinking I would do this for the neighbor.... yet I was pretty sick today and she was all about her shower and relaxing as I cooked my own soup and S's dinner, was not upset just noting she still has a good deal of those selfish traits so linked to MLC, she seems to be working on herself a bit ... health, physical and mental, and even went to church with S while I was out on the bike ... she is very chatty via text, and somewhat at home provided I do not add in much about my day.
Anyways thats where I am currently, I am really in a good place as far as emotions and where my head is ... more like back to doing my thing and observing where she is ... peeking out of the tunnel here and there but not done baking yet.
Cali, I not only want your STFU smoothie, I want a bottle of your strength. You are truly an amazing person. Like Gwen posted earlier, your love for your W, your M and your family are pretty inspiring.
One thing I have learned to take from your story is to step back, process, don't jump, just observe.....as you know I am in a weird place right now. But I am not reacting, in fact no one but you guys know these thoughts in my head. I am living, laughing, enjoying my days just as I have been. Meanwhile, crazy processing going on! You are a big reason for that, so thank you.
Please ramble here all you want. Your story and your posts are very helpful to so many here. What color cape do you want???
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Glad you posted Cali and are in such a great place. Your strength and patience amaze me and give me hope. I keep you and your family in my prayers. xoxoxo hope things keep chugging along in a positive direction.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
