Need advice for a WW who left Part 3

[dwh15]

Ended up getting too tired last night to go out by the time I got all the household chores done so ended up talking to sister on phone instead. This 1st week of school, combined with 2nd week on new job has been rough. I'm getting into a groove though and think I'll do better next week.

WW sent me a TM this afternoon asking how kids did this morning and asking about plans tonight. I replied that kids did great and confirmed about them coming over tonight. Then she replied that she was asking about My plans tonight. Caught me off guard as no idea why she would care but I simply said I wasn't sure yet. Every time she does something like that, I wonder if she honestly cares or if she's looking for some kind of evidence to use against me.

It's crazy that's where I'm at with her but I really don't trust WW at all. So she won't be getting any updates on plans I may or may not have, regardless of her intentions. She doesn't deserve to know. I likely will be going out to join some friends at a local pub but she can sit and wonder.

[dwh15]

Slept well, but woke up a little depressed. After a couple of hours, I've been bouncing between that and anger. The coaster ride continues - seems never-ending. I've been feeling more anger and resignation to my reality lately, so guess that's progress at least. I have moments where I wish my WW would come to her senses, but they are far less frequent, and then I immediately start thinking about the damage she has caused and how much work would lie ahead to be a couple again. It's daunting, and not sure it's even possible.

So I still have a tiny bit of hope to somehow save things but it really would take a miracle at this point. But thinking about it strengthens my resolve to continue becoming the best father I can be, and improving my life in all other aspects. Plans for today include taking the kids to a movie this afternoon, and then heading to my mother's house, where she is preparing a delicious dinner of homemade lasagna. I haven't see her in a couple of weeks so will be nice to catch up on things.

[dwh15]

Well, I'm just feeling angry tonight. Having gone through 6 months of He11, and only experiencing very brief periods anger, I find that I'm transitioning to a state of being angry a lot more of the time. I realize that anger is a big part of the grieving process, so maybe this is a good sign that I am finally making progress and moving out of denial. Not sure what finally triggered it to happen, except maybe the length of time, and possibly the greatly increased amount of NC the past few weeks. WW has gotten to a point she rarely even tries to communicate anymore.

She sends TMs directly to S18 to coordinate plans on her nights. I made an issue out of it for a while but I decided to just give up. If that's how she wants to arrange things, then I let her do it that way. If it doesn't work out as planned because she relied on S18 and didn't involve me, then too bad. WW also dropped Monday nights, which is 1 of only 3 nights she was seeing the kids, and has yet to schedule a replacement. That was 2 weeks ago, but still nothing from her. So now it's only 2 nights/week, and sometimes she'll take them for a couple of hours on a Sunday afternoon.

The pure selfishness that she exhibits continues to amaze me, and fuels my anger. I feel bad for my kids, who are starting to see mom as more of a favorite aunt than a mother. I feel bad for myself, having to take on the roll of bother father and mother, in addition to being the only source of financial support. In the mean time, WW has submersed herself completely in a new world with OM, and even goes so far as to call herself "grandma" to one of OM's grandkids. The sheer nerve of someone to do that, while still being officially M to another man, and who has her own kids just drives me insane.

Sorry for the vent, but felt I needed to get it out. The upside is that I am rapidly detaching from WW, much more so than the past few months combined. I still get pangs of doubt and pain, but overall I'm letting go and seriously doubting my ability or desire to want to be with WW ever again. It would take an extraordinary amount of change and convincing on her part for me to buy in at this point. The sad thing is that I feel she really is going to eventually reach a place where the reality of her choices hits home and she possibly wants to R, but I don't think it will be for some time yet, possibly another couple of years, and I will not be waiting around for that long. I simply don't have it in me to keep living this way for that amount of time.

Plans for now remain the same, but I am further convinced every day that I'm rapidly moving towards my breaking point. I have no doubt that I will be filing for D early 2016 if nothing changes by then. Well, off to try and get some sleep to start the work and school week again. Good night my fellow DBers.

[Zues126]

Hey DW, glad you're still here and posting a lot.

Anger is very natural. Shoot, I have still processed through a lot of anger over the last month or two, and I've been physically separated for about 15 months now. It can be triggered by many things. Someone asking how my kids are doing back at school triggered me, because I have only seen them for 3 hours since last Tuesday and I'm angry that someone can make a selfish decision and remove my own children from my daily life. I could list hundreds more. D is the worst thing in the world and it's deeply upsetting that people make this decision.

Anger isn't detachment though. Detachment isn't parallel to whether you would take your WAS back or not. In fact, refreshing your stance on that question repeatedly is far from detached. Now, anger can be a sign that being attached isn't doing you any good, and can help you see the need for detachment. But detachment itself is the release of any of these emotions.

It takes time, but it will happen. No need to try to talk yourself into not feeling your feelings. Let them run their course, just don't let yourself get into loops for too long. It's a gradual, gradual release. I'll let you know if I ever see an end to it. The good news is that it gets much easier, particularly when you keep doing the right thing for you.

[dwh15]

Thanks Zeus. I'm not trying to convince anyone I'm fully detached yet. I know I'm not. Just doing a lot of venting lately and the anger is definitely a change in attitude from the past few months, so I see it as progress. The scary thing for me is, I'm starting to realize that IF my WW ever comes around, I am likely to be fully detached, and will have no desire to want to be with her again. Honestly, I don't know how people give it another go 2-3 years after DDay. Just thinking about the amount of pain I've gone through to get here, not sure I would ever want to open myself up to that possibility again with a person who has a known history of doing it. But I guess there is no rush to decide. Off to the start of another work/school week.

[dwh15]

Had my first real challenge as a single parent today. S10 woke up with a cold and fever. No way I'm sending him to school, but nobody at home to watch him either, and only being 2 weeks into a brand new job, I didn't want to miss an entire day. I texted WW this morning and informed her of the sitch. She also works today and has even less flexibility than me, so she was not an option. I ended up going into work for a couple of hours this morning while S10 got some rest. Explained to my manager, who was very cool about it and said no problem if I needed to go home. So stayed til lunch, then back home for the afternoon, effectively missing only 1/2 day. S10 is feeling better and everyone came out fine.

Crisis handled, but it was a stressful morning. I know WW felt guilty, as she did a round of FB posts talking about how much she loves her kids. So I'm happy that I was able to work things out, but it's just another one of those things that makes me sad and angry about being in this sitch at all. Oh well. Tomorrow is another day, so hopefully S10 feels better by then.

[Vanilla]

Dwh

You are incredibly wonderful father. The whole s10 illness was managed like a master craftsman.

Deeply impressed.

V

[dwh15]

V, you are too kind. S10 ended up being fine and attended school yesterday and today with no issues. But yesterday S16 and S8 ended up with the same cold, so had a similar issue with missing school, handled about the same way, and worked out fine. Today S18 and I both wake up with the cold. So it has made the rounds but seems to be a short-term thing at least.

S18 skipped his college classes but unfortunately I still had to work. Well, probably didn't have to but only being on 3rd week of a new job didn't want to call in this soon. I didn't feel too bad, but did a lot of sniffling and blowing. But ended up feeling energetic enough after work to join a new friend for 9 holes of golf so that was fun. Got home and noticed S18 and S8 already left to see mom, but S16 and S10 still here, so need to figure out dinner plans for us, then get to work catching up on cleaning. Man, a single parent's day never ends!

This coming Friday and Sunday I will be getting some additional training to do volunteer bartending, then I'm actually on my own 4 different days in October! I have really enjoyed it so far and think it's going to be a great way for me to get out and meet new people. Over the past couple of days, I have really noticed myself detaching and not spending nearly as much time focused on WW or what she is doing. Sure, she's on the back of my mind but it's not constant and I'm not really depressed about it. No idea why the sudden shift but I'm happy about it. I am starting to feel somewhat normal again and enjoy life.

From what I hear through kids, WW seems to still be bouncing around between happy, sad, stressed, or depressed every few days. No idea since I haven't had any contact with her outside of a few texts in almost 2 weeks. She did send a TM today saying she was going to try and adjust her work schedule to get Wednesdays off so that she could available for S10 and S8 when they have short days at school. It's set up funny so that about 3 out of every 4 Wednesdays the kids get home at 2pm instead of the normal 3:30pm. I hadn't mentioned it but was a little concerned about having my 2 youngest get home and have nobody around. My plan was to simply take a late lunch and wait for S18 to arrive before heading back, but it was nice of WW to make the offer. I replied to her I thought it was a good idea, so guess we'll see how it works out.

So overall, things going pretty well. Can't say that I'm feeling totally normal yet, but I'm getting there. Once I get fully detached, I think I will be very comfortable to just keep moving along this way, and not in any major rush for D. At some point next year, I'm sure I will probably go ahead and file but it's months away, and I no longer see a need to keep throwing out deadlines. Just patiently wait and see what happens.

[dwh15]

Looks like I'm near the end of another thread. Link to Part 4: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2607479&#Post2607479