I agree with Zues what you have is a casual R not a committed one.
He is a completely free agent to do as he pleases, and you have an open R with this man. You and he have no bonds. He is a player and a serial one.
You describe him as cheating on OW with you so clearly in OW eyes, you are the OW and she is the gf. She seems to be his gf in your eyes. That's crazy!
You should be making changes for you, not so he can see them. It's casual, which is fine if casual is what you want. Although I guess because you are here that isn't.
Please google triangulation and infidelity, it's an ego game for the guy or gal in the lead on the triangle.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/31/1511:21 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I assume OW has no idea what is going on I'm sure he tells her he is faithful to her! Them being together caused her a divorce! Yes he has some serious infidelity issues but I also allow them!help with them as I stated I usually start messing around and goes along very seldom does he instigate it. She is his gf in her eyes and his! In my eyes he cheated on me with her that is his cycle And he can't care to much if he still ml with me but I know that's denial speaking he could truly love her and not be in a fog it's been a year already!
As for making changes I want to make them for me. I want to be healthy for me and the kids! It would be nice if recognizes the changes and they helped save my family but ultimately they are for me with or without him! I do not like the way life has gone so far so I need to do something different!
No I do not want casual I want a committed healthy relationship where we truly feel for each other accept flaws communicate and faithfulness! If he can not provide that then he can't I will be ok!
As for him seeing the changes that seems to be the theme stay as long as you can buy time and work on you so they can see the changes and decide if they are coming along or not! I may have misunderstood that though
4, you are doing great, hang in there and continue to make the changes that will make you a healthy woman, ready to receive a committed partner. It may be H, it may be someone else. But don't settle for less.
I think you have this slightly backwards. DB says nothing about 'buying time' and 'hanging in'. It's not about outlasting an A. My WH was a womaniser too, I recognise the pattern.
It's about you, doing that which works for you, because it grows you and develops you. It makes you strong.
You were very young (17) when you got with this man, you have a child and he has two. It sounds as if you have been hanging on for a long time.
What is the family structure?
Were you apart?
Do all of the kids live with you?
Why would you leave the home to let him and his gf live there?
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 09/01/1512:11 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Read my posts on my thread and JellyBs. Why is this relevant? Because I have the attitude 'this is who I am, it's normal, it can't change, anyone that wants to be with me better accept it'.
The difference is I happen to feel that way about my desires, while being willing to negotiate my behavior and our marital interactions and expectations. And cheating or 3rd parties doesn't play into any of that.
My point, though, is that I don't believe he will ever change. Regardless if you do or not. I think how he's living is so destructive and soul draining for him (you obviously, but him too!) that he wouldn't do it unless he felt it was just 'who he is'. I don't think you leaving will change that, he'll probably feel too defeated, or that he's better off with someone that will put up with him...........like you are now.
PS- time for that new thread!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
HI Sunny Thanks thats my plan GET HEALTHY! learn boundaries.
V- Family structure he has 2 D's two different moms both between times we dated. One mom he was engaged to she cheated on him and they split up. We share his two kids 50/50 with their moms. My D is with us all but every other weekend. Family structure is my D's biological dad is not in the picture My ex is her dad and takes care of her as if she was his own. Both other parents are in the picture. Why leave the home? At some point I will have no choice his mom owns the home we have been purchasing from her so it is in neither of our names I am sure she will allow him to stay. You are right I should not just let him move her in. I am fine with staying it does not bother what I am doing half to most of the time but I do feel I am getting stronger not allowing him to control my emotions. In fact today he said something about his GF and I just went straight to a different conversation. did not even skip a beat. I am sure once tax time comes he will be making me leave but until then at least I dont have to add stress of bills to the mix and adjusting kids.
Zeus He wont change his mind until something happens between them if he changes his mind then. I agree it is a who he is thought. Plus I am sure there is guilt about the divorce, about our R, about our Kids, her kids are involved, plus fun and games no responsibility. IF he changes his mind I will choose to be strong enough to make a rational decision based on his willingness to work on things and change what is not working. If he is not I will hopefully be strong enough by then to say no!
