I guess telling her that you believe this is a mistake, you love her, you want to protect the kids from the hurt of a divorce and willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. I am talking the day before or day of final papers getting signed.. I guess if we are at that point I know what the answer would be.
So what is different from this and those letters you were sending? I promise you this type of thing is not successful in a stitch such as yours.
As for her softening, don't take it as a sign. It usually happens when the pursuits and fighting has stopped and she feels a little relief from your pressure.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks sandi.. I am doing the work (lrt) and hoping to see the right result.. Just not really sure what that might be.. I do agree with your assessment of it. So so painful to think she has just accepted the idea of us divorcing. She is ok with it despite all of the consequences. I want to see something that gives me hope. I feel like the lrt keeps what's left of my dignity but it would be great to see some sign from her...
You seem like you have quite a bit knowledge here.. Which I am in desperate need of.. If you get a chance could tell me when I would go from LRT to going dark.. Or just offer any advice.. M 16 years, two kids, separated three months ago and all indication is that there is no hope. No affairs... My wife was great.. I was a selfish jerk at different times in our marriage.. We had great times too and raised wonderful kids, but she had enough. I woke up and KNOW that if she came back it could awesome.
First step is to get legal representation! You must protect yourself and your kids. Do not just trust her to do the right thing.
The Divorce Remedy book explains the LRT. Several newcomers use the term "going dark" but I don't think some may fully understand that concept. It is almost impossible when co-parenting. However, you can use the LRT, and should, b/c this is the last resort!! She wants a divorce, so if you are ever going to implement the LRT, it's now.
Have you followed the 37 rules? Have you read the first three threads on WW's? If so, does it sound like your W? If you suspect an EA, then I suspect she has shown some similarities of what I describe in those threads.
You say you know things could be awesome again. People cannot become awesome in just a few months. Sorry to burst your bubble. Do you have a plan of action to turn yourself into an awsome man, b/c that has to come before an awsome M. It takes very hard, consistent dedication to change yourself into a better man..........and that's just your side. It doesn't begin to touch the process she has to get through. So, it may, or may not, come after the D proceedings.
I understand needing hope. Looking for signs in her, as matter of hope for you will a waste of valuable energy. She will play you like a yo-yo. Maybe that is not who she use to be, but it is who she is now. If there was no abuse or legit reason for her suddenly leaving and pushing for a fast D, then I would take a bet that she has her eyes on another man.
You asked for steps. Read the WW's threads.
Let me ask you something. Even though you are separated, how much do you think she's worried about losing you completely out of her life? Would she think you would be available as a friend, or whenever she needed something?
Have the two of you had some type of contact every day? If so, this needs to stop. Don't use the kids as an excuse for contacting every day. People can work around it. Has she even had time to miss you? My guess is "no".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Curious.. Petition paperwork is being processed. If I am trying LRT, which means I am DB ing and trying to save the marriage, how should I respond to the petition???
Options 1. Do nothing and forfeit my opportunity to protect my self 2. Petition for dismissal based on the idea I don't think it's irreconcilable 3. Go full tilt, get a lawyer and start making my own financial demands
1. Do nothing and forfeit my opportunity to protect my self
NO!
Originally Posted By: Glove
2. Petition for dismissal based on the idea I don't think it's irreconcilable
Get a lawyer - YES
Originally Posted By: Glove
3. Go full tilt, get a lawyer and start making my own financial demands
Do whatever you must do to protect yourself and your children. I would try not to do her work for her, however you are more likely to get a better settlement the faster this happens/
In terms of DBING I am uncertain whether I am dealing with just a WAW or WW. I have NO idea if she is in a ea or pa. Doesn't it make a difference? If it is a ea / pa I would not know unless I were to investigate which seems like a bad idea.. But it seems in terms of developing a concrete strategy I should have an idea of what the real situation is..
Ideas????
Applying LRT and she has softened, but likely making no difference in what she wants to do... I miss her
M 15 years S 3 months ago D petition filed 7/15 2 Children
Hi Glove, in my experience your Option #2 (trying to have the Petition for Divorce dismissed) only works if both parties agree to the dismissal. One party not wanting the divorce will not work.
I had a friend tell me this recent war story - he did not want to have his marriage ended after his W filed for divorce. When he went to a court hearing and asked that the judge not sign the final divorce order, the judge said "this is America, we don't allow slavery!" The judge equated an unhappy marriage to the unhappy marriage partner being in slavery!
Yes, use Option #3. And there are all sorts of different lawyers, and you should have a free meeting with at least 3 attorneys. Do you want an aggressive, fight everything attorney? Or a more conciliatory attorney? You have my best wishes.
Also please stick to one thread, you had 5 going at once, all the ones from this board are now merged together and hopefully nothing got lost in that process!
