Cali, Dig deeper for patience. If your wife asks for your opinion, give it to her. If she wants to know how you feel about things, tell her. She's got a ways to go and is still trying to figure out herself, the damage and what she can do to work things out in her mind. She knows you are there and wants to really work things out...but it all takes time to put herself back together again.
I know you want your marriage to be back on track and have everything "aired out", but the time isn't right just yet. It will come and when it does, the door will open and you will have your opportunity to express your thoughts on what transpired.
Patience, my friend. The time isn't right just yet.
Job Thank you
I wanted to ask .. you or any of the vets.
Memory.... W's is horrible, she shared its concerning her and told me she even was called out on it at her last Job (This was in the thick of her MLC) Even now ... she can not recall how many games we played .. thought we did 2 when we only did one, can not recall just simple things ... let alone the past couple years, conversations and events.
Typical... I am thinking its a result of being all scrambled.
Hey Luke. I chuckled at you telling your wife not to mind read. Yea, I did...fight me.
So, good thing you didn't really react to that tee shirt, yea? Not that it ties into mind reading at all...in any way..hee hee.. Im having fun here.
Seriously, though..the forgetfulness is all part of the crisis. It really does mess with their heads. My xh doesn't remember a lot of things from that time. Kinda scary, right?
I know you are concerned about what this marriage will ultimately look like. It will be whatever the two of you forge together...taking parts of the old and the new marriage and the old and new of the two of you. Wherever it lands, you will make a decision from a place of strength. Til then, keep on keepin on and always embrace the possibilities.
Glad for you about the t-shirt!! Much nicer to know that it was BIL's and you can put that traumatic episode behind you. Great that you managed to react in a constructive way and damage wasn't done. Good for you xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hey Luke. I chuckled at you telling your wife not to mind read. Yea, I did...fight me.
So, good thing you didn't really react to that tee shirt, yea? Not that it ties into mind reading at all...in any way..hee hee.. Im having fun here.
Seriously, though..the forgetfulness is all part of the crisis. It really does mess with their heads. My xh doesn't remember a lot of things from that time. Kinda scary, right?
I know you are concerned about what this marriage will ultimately look like. It will be whatever the two of you forge together...taking parts of the old and the new marriage and the old and new of the two of you. Wherever it lands, you will make a decision from a place of strength. Til then, keep on keepin on and always embrace the possibilities.
I thought you might love that one! In my defense I never have been guilty of mind reading, my Jedi skills are a gift and from time to time I have used them ... haters gonna hate.
Well ... I did react to the T-shirt ... but was a far cry away from the way I probably would have reacted this time last year. I am thankful that it did not become a bigger issue than it was, if anything I think it was a positive as W came away expressing she was thankful I viewed it the way I did. That being said I will NEVER tell her I discovered whose shirt it actually was as she is the type who would file this away and use it as an 'example' for any future events.
As far as the M goes .. and what it will actually look like. Yes I am concerned ... greatly. This SSM issue that we had prior, its just not something I want to deal with in M 2.0, and I am torn currently between being patient and allowing the process to just play itself out .... or taking a line straight out of SSM by MWD and just telling W this is not going to work out for me and going ahead and pulling the trigger.
^^^ This I have given thought to, one of the big mistakes I made in the old M was not letting my needs be known. This being said I do understand she is not currently in a place where I can do this just yet. I have decided to go through the process, we have about a month more left on out Post sessions ... then Holidays will arrive. At the moment I intend to just see what happens, open mind approach. I have done very well at meeting her current needs, as I continue to work on myself. As I said her job just started up so I am curious as to where the M and myself will fall in her priorities, something that has been discussed lightly .... I can not say I am very optimistic, parts of me think I allowed her back to easily ... again .. time will tell.... but a SSM is not something I will be able to live with nor desire to, it could ultimately be the final deal killer for me. And as you said uR, this decision will be from a place of strength.
As far as the M goes .. and what it will actually look like. Yes I am concerned ... greatly. This SSM issue that we had prior, its just not something I want to deal with in M 2.0, and I am torn currently between being patient and allowing the process to just play itself out .... or taking a line straight out of SSM by MWD and just telling W this is not going to work out for me and going ahead and pulling the trigger.
This is screaming anxiety and impatience when viewed from the MLC prism, not the M prism. Make sense? Your W has just begun the process of reintegrating her individual parts that were torn asunder when the MLC fog hit her.
As you may have read from my old MLC threads, sex drive or interest in sex takes a nose dive within the M because of internal pressures from the marital house. As we slowly reintegrate parts of ourselves, we slowly re-join the human race by reconnecting with old friends, family, co-workers, then the spouse is the final piece in the process.
Cali, I know you are a man and have those needs. Unfortunately, you're going have to put it on the back burner for a little while as your W works through her issues. I am talking months here, buddy.
Sex and intimacy will have to take a number at the waiting line. I think you have come far in your personal journey to hear this here. What's a few months?
Timing is everything here...you well know by now how many times we've counseled you dig deep for patience.
You know, Luke, here's what I think having gotten to know you over time. I think you have to see this play out. I think you have to know, deep in your heart, that you did all you could to save your marriage and keep your family intact.
I know for me, I needed to be able to say to my son, should he ask, that I did everything in my power.
That mindset helped me get over some of the really rough parts.
The way back for them is in reverse. We are the first to go, so, we are the last that they reconnect with fully.
This crisis, man, it wreaks havoc in them.
I also think it's important that you know what you want, what's negotiable and what isn't. But I also think that you need to be a bit flexible in some areas.
If I have learned anything through all of this, it's that some of the things I thought were so important, just aren't in the grand scheme of things.
Sometimes you have to take this one day at a time. Just keep walking in a forward direction.
Think about all the freakin stuff that has happened. That's an awful lot for her to sort through, on top of needing to figure out what brought her to crisis.
This is a long haul. You are doing wonderfully. I don't think you are ready to give up yet, so, I am going to keep pushing you along.
But please know that whatever you decide, I support you and I will be here for you in any way I can.
This is screaming anxiety and impatience when viewed from the MLC prism, not the M prism. Make sense? Your W has just begun the process of reintegrating her individual parts that were torn asunder when the MLC fog hit her.
It makes total sense and between what job and uR have been telling me, plus this from you ... logically I get it. Now in now way am I pressing W "We must have relations by Tuesday" ... in fact I have been pretty closed up about it ... and distracting myself with other things to not be focused on it. But Emotionally is where the struggle is .. knowing I can vent here, get this out in the 'open' where its safe ... keeps me blurbing it to the wife. The issue I wrestle with was her medical situation lead me to believe sex was off the table, hard pill to swallow but I did .... it lead me towards emotionally withdrawing from her (retrospect and lesson learned). Enter OM and all that new attention she received and poof, she was healed. Painful .. sure, so now I look at what the new M might be ... SSM is a concern, and as you said .. sure anxiety and impatience are there because deep down there is a voice saying "You shared that with OM, but can't with me?"
But I get it ... she is not there, nor is she ready ... honest truth I'm not either. Its like when we had S, I was all about hurry .. hurry be born already so I can touch/hold/love you ... once he was born and they put us in the car I recall thinking "Oh Chit now what?"
Originally Posted By: Wonka
As you may have read from my old MLC threads, sex drive or interest in sex takes a nose dive within the M because of internal pressures from the marital house. As we slowly reintegrate parts of ourselves, we slowly re-join the human race by reconnecting with old friends, family, co-workers, then the spouse is the final piece in the process.
I do not recall reading that .. again .. one can read so much so fast ... may not have struck a chord that it would now with me in my sitch.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Cali, I know you are a man and have those needs. Unfortunately, you're going have to put it on the back burner for a little while as your W works through her issues. I am talking months here, buddy.
Sex and intimacy will have to take a number at the waiting line. I think you have come far in your personal journey to hear this here. What's a few months?
Timing is everything here...you well know by now how many times we've counseled you dig deep for patience.
I think ^^^^^ is the source of my impatience ... something I will work on. There is that part of me ... the part that has been doing all I can for some time now, doing the work, the part that screams .. what about me, I matter too. But as you said .. dig deeper for patience.
You know, Luke, here's what I think having gotten to know you over time. I think you have to see this play out. I think you have to know, deep in your heart, that you did all you could to save your marriage and keep your family intact.
I know for me, I needed to be able to say to my son, should he ask, that I did everything in my power.
That mindset helped me get over some of the really rough parts.
The way back for them is in reverse. We are the first to go, so, we are the last that they reconnect with fully.
This crisis, man, it wreaks havoc in them.
I also think it's important that you know what you want, what's negotiable and what isn't. But I also think that you need to be a bit flexible in some areas.
If I have learned anything through all of this, it's that some of the things I thought were so important, just aren't in the grand scheme of things.
Sometimes you have to take this one day at a time. Just keep walking in a forward direction.
Think about all the freakin stuff that has happened. That's an awful lot for her to sort through, on top of needing to figure out what brought her to crisis.
This is a long haul. You are doing wonderfully. I don't think you are ready to give up yet, so, I am going to keep pushing you along.
But please know that whatever you decide, I support you and I will be here for you in any way I can.
Thank you uR ... and yeah. I do want to 'finish' the race ... there really does not seem to be an option for me with that, its always been that way for me here and I never could explain it, it was not out of fear nor dependency .... loyal to a fault maybe, I am not sure why but yeah.... I have to see this thing to the end whenever/where ever that is.
I know what I want ... but I also know what I need .. 2 different things. out of these two are filled with negotiables and non-negotiables. There are just certain things ... sure I could say .. ok maybe we do not need this .. but looking at M1.0 and my own failures, I have made these mental notes .. and continue to address them with myself as she works through her stuff .... almost feels like a new limbo all over again but its different .. not sure if I can explain it.
The Keep walking forward .. is spot on and what I have been doing. Its alot like that ... taking a walk, you see something out of place ... its not the time nor place to correct that, I have to just continue to walk forward and not get side tracked.
Its funny .. I gave advice the other day, and the word hit me like a hammer: Indifferent. Its easy to feel one way or the other over things ... happy/upset ... So I have been trying to be more that way, PMA up and just not let things sway me one way or the other.
I still have a long ways to go in all this, I know that ... I am very fortunate to have been able to get to this point, time will tell where all this ends up and I will continue to learn and grow, continue to mold Cali 2.0 into who he was meant to be ... W will do her thing and work through her stuff ... when the dust settles then I we will see where we go from there.
