Still Looking Inside

[mleigh4]

As I put down my tablet and walked away, I can hear Job in my mind (you have a very nice, calm and nurturing voice by the way) say,

" your H hasn't brought up where he is at because he himself still doesn't know. If you decided to talk with him, you most likely would still not get any answers. Time to dig for more patience. "

Am I close?

[CaliGuy]

M

You have been at this so long like I have, felt like to me like diving and there are points you lose orientation not sure which way is up. I do think as MWD states in the books .. nothing wrong with trying something different just to monitor the movement .. I did do this often with my "Science Experiments" ... it was controlled, less out of my emotional needs more out of a logical curiosity, could be argues I did things here and there to get a reaction from W ... but at some point it was like poking a person to see if they were dead or just sleeping really heavily ya know? Some movement .. any movement I needed to see. With your H, seems he keeps strings attached to home, fixing the garage door ... cleaning that mat, I laughed to myself thinking it was odd, like he himself was peeing on things as a dog marking his territory by cleaning up after .. yup another dog. Funny to me anyways.

I am not sure if I would press R talk, as it most likely will just add pressure and make him run faster and further into the tunnel. When I announced there would no longer be what I called "Fake Family Holidays" this really sparked some movement, granted we did not spend the Holidays at all together, at the time I was totally good with this and did not want to ... moving on and setting my own traditions. I am not sure in your sitch what such a thing would do to your H, seems he is lost but also does not seem like 7 months later he has really moved much from what I read. But R talk to me was worthless with someone not only checked out of the M, but checked out of life in so many ways. I do think maybe a poke and measure the movement would not upset the apple cart.

[CaliGuy]

As I put down my tablet and walked away, I can hear Job in my mind (you have a very nice, calm and nurturing voice by the way) say,

" your H hasn't brought up where he is at because he himself still doesn't know. If you decided to talk with him, you most likely would still not get any answers. Time to dig for more patience. "

Am I close?

LMAO .. I thought I was the only one who did that... You should hear uR in my minds ear.

[job]

You are right on the money!

If you do decide to talk to him, you won't get the answers you are looking for. Get the shovel out and start digging for more patience.

[mleigh4]

It's funny how certain people sort of stay with us, in our heads, huh?

Thanks Cali and Job. Your input means the world to me. As Arthur from Happy Days would say....(sigh) Yeeeppp, yep, yep, yep yep.

I hear ya and I get ya. A talk will get me nowhere and knowing inside myself he is not ready for one, seems silly to bother with, may even set things back.

A poke, huh? I think the friend staying over was one for sure, got H to join us on vacation! Not sure what more I can do, need to think on that one, and want to keep it harmless. Having friend over wasn't smart.

As for the holidays...no more fake family time sounds good to me. Honestly, between vacation and my birthday, and the attention I got from H, I think it is part of my problem. I was nice and closed up, and I let him in a wee bit, and let myself believe it must have meant something. I actually still do, but H has gone right back into his tunnel. And it hurts. And I have to face the reality of it all over again.

Back and forth, up and down....been there done that...hoping to bounce back quicker each time.

As for putting myself out there, I need to follow my own advice. To not worry about it, but to just cross that bridge when and if it comes. I will know what to do and what feels right, I have that confidence in myself. Keep it simple, enjoy this time and keep the focus on me and my son. Easy to say, but sometimes than others harder to do!!!

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh- I can so relate to where you are right now!

So you're looking for a poke? Hasn't H been a bit flirtatious? (Hose spraying? And didn't he buy you roses for your birthday?)

My H did some of the same. So, scary as it was, I decided to lightly flirt back! I heard the advice we always hear: try different things and if it doesn't work, oh well.

I went for it and as the reaction was not overtly negative, tried a few more times. Then after 6-7th time H reciprocated!

Just a suggestion ...

[mleigh4]

Hawho....hhmmmm. I wasn't thinking of a poke as a come on type thing, I was thinking more of a you better wake up or else lose me thing. I worry about pursuing, not sure if I am ready for anything like that, have worked so hard to detach and shut down those feelings best I can.....but I will think about what you said.

[mleigh4]

H let me know this morning that his sister contacted him from Mexico. She has asked him to go get her and bring her home. H said based on the conversation he had with her, she is clearly not of sound mind, he said it was heartbreaking. He said he is not looking forward to the trip but just wants to get her out of there.

H and his dad are taking an early morning flight and hope to be home with her by Friday. Please pray for their smooth and safe return. They don't even know if she has proper documentation to get back into the US. She fears that people are waiting for her once they get into Cancun.

S is with H now while I went to an open house at S school. He should be home soon. When I dropped off S tonight, H filled me in on things his sister was telling him during their conversation, we talked for a while. H is bummed about the flight and having to miss work. I STFU but told him that he is doing the right thing. I then told him, heck, can I sneak in your suitcase and come? I said I could just hang out in Cancun on the beach until they got back, joking of course. I was surprised at his answer, he told me the more the merrier, if I could get off work S could stay with Grammy. I just told him, I wish

We got engaged in Cancun, 13 years ago. I wonder if he will remember that?

[job]

I will keep your h and his father in my thoughts and prayers. Hopefully they can arrive, find her and fly back home w/o too much trouble. She definitely needs help.

BTW, I think you are doing a wonderful job in handling your situation. Your interactions w/your h are just fine. You don't need to go poking the bear. Continue has you have been, i.e., keep the communication channel open and I liked the banter last evening about you finding a place in his luggage. You noticed he was bantering back w/you in a jovial manner. That's good.

He will remember what happened in Cancun and I'm sure he has fond memories of that time...but he may not allow those memories to creep in until his sister is located and arrangements have been made to return to the States.

I know it's going to be difficult, but try to keep your focus on the positives today.

[mleigh4]

Hi Job. I will follow your advice, aside from it being the simplest thing to do, I know you have seen a lot on here. You seem to see something in H that I don't, so hopefully you are right.

Time for a new thread.