I just read this and this is probably all true but women need their emotional needs met before we jump into the sack. That is something many men don't understand either. There is also a great book out there about the 5 different ways people express love. I believe it's part of James Dobson's focus on the family series. I took the quiz and I don't normally show love through affection but I think my husband does. It's about finding out your spouse's love language and loving them the way they most readily accept it.
Sorry BW, I've had an overwhelming couple of days. Didn't mean to leave you hanging.
There's you, and there's him. What you do can impact him, but it doesn't make you responsible for his behaviors or his problems. His problems are his to work out. Meanwhile you have to tend to your problems and behavior.
It's easy to get out of balance on either side. In the beginning LBS's tend to want to assume responsibility for WAS's behavior in an attempt to keep control over the situation. When doing everything in their power to fix the WAS fails, they figure that means WAS is the one with all of the problems. Neither is true. The goal is to be balanced. To own your stuff, manage your half, all while letting WAS go on their own journey and deal (or not deal) with their stuff.
When you fixate on WAS's behavior you need to remind yourself of your role. Not because that's the whole picture, but to work through the negative emotions such as resentment, anger, blame, and denial of your own stuff, and to achieve compassion and accountability. On the other hand when you feel hopelessly flawed you need to remind yourself that you aren't here to be perfect or free of problems, you're here to keep growing and manage through the flaws we all have, and that you can't assume responsibility for WAS's choices.
The outlooks appear contradictory, but if the goal is being centered, then I look at it like I'm driving a car and want to stay in my lane. Drift left, turn the wheel slightly right. And visa versa. Those outlooks are the steering wheel. Just as when you drive you're constantly making adjustments, when you drive down the LBS journey, I use those two outlooks to steer one way or the other to avoid going into a ditch (or oncoming traffic!).
As for your text, I really like it. I think it shows a lot of humility and the willingness to accept that you've been dismissive of his feelings, needs, and voice in the past, along with an invitation to reconnect as an equal of yours (instead of a subordinate). He may interpret a tiny trace of expectation or control (in his mind he may think you're doing this to get him to behave differently so you get what you want). But again...that's on him at some point. You've done your best and that's what you can do. The good news is I'm sure those words will plant some serious seeds in his mind and heart.
What's just as important is that you didn't do anything destructive. I know it may seem distasteful to have been at the end of your rope, been about to make a stand, announce that to him, then change your message and seemingly back down...but none of that is the most important thing. You avoided something that wouldn't have gotten you what you wanted, nor would you have felt good about getting heavy handed just yet. Still too many emotions and too early for that.
So I'm really proud of you on how you handled that, and for the reflection you've put in. I hesitate to say that because I'm not suggesting it's my place to judge you or evaluate you as a human or wife. You can run your own ship, and don't need to live up to standards of mine. But that doesn't mean I'm not happy for you.
From here all I'll remind you is that it is really early in your sitch. The first 3-6 months are crazy making. I think many of us grip things very tightly, and while we can logically say we need to detach, detachment can only come when we see the results of holding on too tight for too long. I think the most important thing from here doesn't hinge on interaction between you and WAS (as long as you don't do anything too earth shattering). I think it's time to go on your own journey and accept that no matter how much you grow, your H needs some time to go on his journey as well. His behavior doesn't reflect on you anymore. So find some good buddies, keep doing good things, and most importantly...as you've already started...find ways to measure your progress that DON'T HINGE ON HIS REACTIONS!
Thanks BW and take care.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
4mykid, thanks for the words. I didn't see your post until it was just bumped. I have seen your tag but haven't caught up on your sitch. I will do so now.
Sadie, your comment is extremely dismissive on many levels. It suggests the way you feel is correct and men who feel differently are wrong. A marriage is a PARTNERSHIP where both partners get a voice. You don't get to single-handedly dictate how it all works and trample down your spouse if they disagree because you're right and they're wrong. Do that long enough and your partner won't bother trying to speak up anymore, they'll go where they're wanted.
edit 3-posts moved from much older thread - cadet.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/17/1510:59 AM. Reason: moved
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I didn't mean to sound dismissive. I just meant that it is a circle. My emotional needs weren't being met so I withheld relations and his sexual needs weren't being met so he detached emotionally. I know I have to be the one to stop this circle. I have really screwed up. How do I fix it now? I watched the you tube video by Michele Weiner Davis about sex starved marriage. Very eye opening. I didn't realize he felt so unloved. Wish I would have known how he felt years ago. To make changes before it got to this point.
I don't know if I should try and initiate relations or try to be more affectionate now or if he will feel that I am not being genuine.
