The Beat Goes On

[LoisB]

Mighty,

I learned this cool exercise some months back and it really helps me...especially when I'm feeling down and discouraged.

I imagine my life as I want it to be. Starting with where I live seems to work best...I imagine the view, the furniture, day-to-day life, type of job, friends, etc...

The girls and I will sometimes take poster board and create collages of what we want. I just did another one a few weeks and I was really surprised with the images.

Anyway, then, and this is the most important part, I think of HOW I'm going to get to this reality. What steps do I have to take to get THERE from HERE? Think specific steps.

It's helped me see, even in the worst of times, that I have Choices. It also reminds me of what an exciting time this is...minus the pain...because I have a chance to reinvent myself. Had Matt stayed, I would have missed this chance.

I met a woman yesterday who has 7 kids. She couldn't afford to keep them all clothed. So, she took some recycled sweaters and created mittens for them. At a hockey game, another mom noticed the mittens and asked where to get them...Long story short, this woman now has her mittens and hats in 40 stores across the Adirondacks. She isn't making billions, but she took a good idea and made it a source of income.

Whenever I shared stuff like with Matt, he would always scoff and point out the negative. HOW blessed am I to NOT have someone in my life anymore so narrowminded. :-)

[Mighty]

bea... yes! I love your post. That's exactly how I feel...


I rocked the boat... a little. This skank feels so entitled and perfect. And.. so I called her out. Does it mean anything. Probably, in the grand scheme... no... however.. she is so used to everyone going alone with her.. crazy. It felt good to put her out there.

But now.. you called it.. starve the drama! That is so right on. I am so far from the drama at this point.

I can see clearly now...

It feels really good.

How many degrees of separation?? Who knows, but the more, the better!

uR, thank you, thank you! The puddle jumping analogy.. brought the biggest grin to my face! I love that! It is such a great analogy of what I am feeling. And right now... before I looked at it.. I feel as if I jumped a great hurdle.

I can't explain it any differently, so I know you are feeling me, uR. I have jumped a MAJOR hurdle!

I am sooo far away from it.

Well, more than I have been. So, I know it's progress.

I think of things differently. Back and forth.. but, I my thinking has evolved.

I feel so badly for people who have to really deal with younger children. Kids who have no say. Whom they have to give up to the op. Who they have to send to the mlc'er w/o the kids realizing the difference.

I just can't imagine sending my kids into that type of situation...

My kids are doing really well. That drives me. I just want to do so well for them.

That's the bottom line.

[Mighty]

Heather,

That's such a good idea for me. Probably exactly what I need! Some visuals of what I need in my life.... what I want! I live it. I am so going to do it. I have some ideas to start... but cant wait to see how it turns out!

Thank you!

[uRworthy]

Hey sweetie....how are you doing?

[Mighty]

Hi guys! Hope you all are well. Things in Mighty World are A-OKey.

Nothing too eventful. Which is great. However, things have progressively changed. My life is so different. Not that it's different, but how I feel in my life is different. Xh is not longer a primary thought. Secondary, perhaps.

What I've noticed... he isn't the first think I think about when I wake up in the morning. That is such an amazing feeling. After a year and a half, of overwhelming, consuming thoughts of him... they are finally changing gears.

What I've also realized about this, is that they aren't replaced by someone else. I know that seems silly, and you all know I wouldn't jump into anything like that. But, it is a good indicator that life can be fine without that. That I'm going to be OK. I didn't need to resort to fulfilling the void with someone else.

Let's be honest, though. So, maybe sometimes he is the second thought I have when I wake up. But, I still acknowledge that it wasn't the burning burden weighing on my mind, seemingly uncontrollably.

Kids are well. S18 had his FINAL day of HS this week. YIKES! Spend a few days alone at the house, and it was still intact at my arrival. I know he had some fun, but he was responsible. And I think the "freedom" and responsibility did him some good.

D14 is also doing well. She was away and missed Moving Up Night at school. Her friends texted her that she had won 3 Presidential awards. The top honors at her school. I was bummed we missed it, but so proud of her. She is such a well-rounded young lady. And, she is so much fun to be around. I hope this situation does not come out in negative ways at some point. I worry. But, I hope it give her experience (unwanted) to give her more strength and wisdom.

When we were on a boat the other day, she said, out of nowhere, "Mom, can I show you something?" I said sure. She said that she was thinking the other day about what it must me like for me. Then, what it must be like for women who go through a divorce, and she wrote something.

She pulled out her phone and had written a poem on her phone. I gasped at every stanza. She put it into words... exactly what it feels like. I couldn't believe it. She is quite insightful. And here she is... this girl of mine, who never ceases to amaze me. She doesn't say much, usually, about THESE things (she is never quiet outside of that!), but when she does, it is well thought out and spot on. She has great perspective, a good heart, and such strength.

Maybe she will let me share sometime, but I wouldn't without her permission.

As far as xh. Still no contact. He hasn't tried to reach out since hww went to cops. S18 still hasn't communicated, and says he is "firm" he doesn't want his dad at his graduation (it actually made me emotional... I didn't mean to be and was surprised. I just can't believe the way things have turned out. And it breaks my heart.. he wouldn't want his dad there. I get it. Totally. But, it's just not who we WERE. So it's just sad.)

Anyway, d14 finally responded to xh last weekend. She hadn't for a little while, then her phone broke again (yes, again) and so when she did text him, she said her phone was broke. He said he though she was mad at him. She just said please don't text me all the time. It's hard for her to really say things to him, like she was upset, but it is for any kid. And, she does, but I think she just realizes it does no good- he doesn't get it. She is frustrated. Hurt.

So, I don't think she texted him all week. But, she did notice he stopped trying after awhile (when she got her phone back). But now he is starting to get aggressive with it. I don't really know everything. I never ask. I cringe when she tells me. Knowing that stuff makes me spin a little, so I prefer to act like he doesn't exist.

But the other day he asked her if she wanted to go to his mom's with him. That sent me spinning just a little. I don't know if she responded. Like I said, I don't ask. Then, yesterday, he called her. She showed me the phone to show me it was him. I noticed she has him in by his name and not "Dad". A little while later she showed me a text (we were around a lot of people, so she didn't want to 'say' it.) She had texted him that she couldn't talk now. He responded, "What do you mean you can't talk? I am your father..."
She responded with something, I think, but I stopped reading. I just shake my head. Respect is a two way street. And for months, when I tried to teach my kids to still be respectful to him and encourage a r, he continued to hurt them. And after the last time when he bailed again, it was terrible what he did to her. He lied to her, tried to manipulate her, guilt her about the baby. Ick. I just stay out of it. D14 has a pretty strong backbone. I worry bc she does not like to hurt people. She sticks up for others, but sometimes its harder to stick up for ourselves. She has to figure this out, though. As long as she knows she can talk to me, I feel good about it (as good as I can). If she is seeking help, I address it as if it were anyone she were dealing with, with respect to the fact that it is her father. I take my emotion out of it when she wants feedback. Which, I don't really give, other than to be honest with herself. Don't do anything you will regret. That generic, but good stuff.

I know he blames me. I don't care.

I don't care about anything they do. The only thing is, I just wish they didn't live here. I can't change that. So, I will just continue to push through.

Part II coming up!

[Mighty]

OK, Part II

For me, things have been improving at a good rate. I have been doing things all the time. I still continue to meet so many people. I have made some new friends, who I know I will continue to spend time with. Good people. Good times.

I also find that I do stuff I would have probably passed on. I just go for it now.

I am enjoying doing things on my house again. Home improvements and gardening were always things I loved. I lost it for awhile. Getting it back. Kitchen is painted, but the contractor does not know when he will come back. Sometime this month....grrrr....

I like being single now. I do miss companionship. But, I just like the freedom. My kids are super supportive of me going out and having fun. They always encourage it. And, they would be super happy if I met someone.

Oh, I forgot to add above... s18 is really missing the "male role model" in his life. He and xh were very close and did a lot of things together. This is really hard on 18. I can see him still seeking that. I feel badly and wish I could help. I spoke with my brother about it.

D14 and I spent a few days this week in Boston and Plymouth. We had a great time. We went with ~95 kids and parents. Sounds crazy, but things actually went very smoothly. We did lots of cool things and d14 and I spent every second together! And it was great!

My dad fell off the wagon. But, hopefully he had enough of a wake up call to get back on track. When it happened, I told my mom that I just couldn't deal with it. And for the first time, I had the "flight" feelings when it came to that. I just needed to remove myself from any more "stuff." Yet, it broke my heart, and we are close, but I just can't deal with it. Also, I can't have my kids see that. And I knew it would crush my s, who couldn't see another adult male in his life fall apart. I think my mom shared that with my dad after he realized what he had done.

Ironically, my parents came up the next day (it happened on my moms birthday... well it was like a two-day event. Ick.), as they went to dinner for a belated bday dinner, and had to go to Home Depot. My dad took s18 to HD to help load some wood. While there, s18 told my dad that he is now the person in his life that he looks up to (s18 had no what had just gone on with my dad). I think that was probably the biggest wake up call for my dad. At least, I hope!

And I know my mom won't put up with it again. Ugh.

But, I am optimistic and hopeful that everything will be fine.

Have some extra summer jobs lined up. Looking for maybe one more. I need some $$ for kitchen (LOTS for kitchen... gulp), among other home improvements, along with the $3K for a/c debacle I was stuck with. College in the fall... and I use the summer money towards Christmas and vacation. Hopefully we will have those this year! Ha!

I think and pray for you guys. Hope you all are doing well. There is way out of this. Dare I say... the grass is greener?? Ha... we will see.

[Mighty]

Oh, I'm just not done yet!

While traveling to Boston, a few hours from home, we passed a college campus. This is a college I was to attend after HS. I was on to be on the field hockey team, had my schedule, my books, a lease on a house.....

then an ultimatum.

Can you guess what it was? What do you think I chose?

Anyway, it was interesting driving past it at this point in my life. I don't have regrets. And my brain doesn't really think in "What ifs?". However, it made me think more along the lines of what I was willing to do for my r. And how, it was never really reciprocated. It was never about me. Until now.

Sidebar... a couple of things I have noticed. I love being able to find my way. It can be super tough. Gut-wrenching, at times. Really put you through it. But I know, that, when met with a challenge, I can get through it... because I have already proved that to myself. And what other option is there?

Also, I have much more compassion for others.

This really, really is an experience... that... man... I don't know... how to explain.... other than...

God wakes you up.

[beatrice]

But, it's just not who we WERE

Yes, that puts it so very well . . . but you are doing great. There are so many people here I admire for getting themselves together, keeping their family going and being generally amazing.

Individually and together we can take on the world!!

[BrightFuture]

Mighty, I am so happy that you are making such a great progress, meeting people, making new friends, enjoying doing things. It took me a lot longer, almost 3 years until I started to look forward to do some yard work, some home repairs. I did it before, but I had to force myself to do it. I still have moments like that, but it is getting much, much better.

I hope your Dad had a realization that your son is looking up to him now, and I hope your son truly find a male role model in your Dad. I can relate… My son was older when H left, but I still think that it affected him in a way… He lost another male figure who he thought would be there for him, considering that his biological father (my first x) was barely in contact.

And your daughter doesn’t stop to amaze me. It is very special gift to understand what other people are going through, especially in her age. You are very fortunate to have kids like that. Not surprising though, they have the greatest Mom .

Have a great weekend!

[Mighty]

Hi bea! You are darn right, I am convinced we CAN take on the world. I am so inspired by you and so many who have paved the way for us learners!

Bright, that was sooo sweet. What a nice post. Thank you. And I know your son is doing so well now, because he has seen your strength through trials. You and others help give me strength, and I so appreciate it. Even when just a simple "Hi, Mighty." Its good to know others care. Just know, I think of you!

I think I will start a new thread in a bit...