Zues, your posts are extremely insightful and you give great advice! I completely respect your input about my post.
I think it's extremely challenging to salvage or revive a marriage if anyone else is involved, and I think what's being described, sounds like the typical start of an EA - been there, done that. I'm not saying to throw in the towel or that all is lost, but the hill is much, much steeper if there is an outsider involved.
It's correct what you say that I presented this to my H as my boundaries, not ultimatums, and not all at once. They came out in conversations as we progressed to reconciliation. It was of course completely his choice if he wanted to reconcile, separate, or go for any other option, and I said that in those same conversations.
But it was necessary for me to draw the boundaries that felt important to me, and I actually think they ultimately made H have more respect for me, as well as snap out of the fog and get more realistic about what he was heading towards. I think my clear lines may have worked as a reality check.
This poster is in a somewhat different situation and a different phase, so different things may work for her. I don't think we should give up our boundaries, though, and I think it's very possible to express one's boundaries without trying to control what the other person does.
Thanks Painter, it's mutual. I agree a spouse in an EA/PA can't work on an M, and that if you are aware of that you should protect yourself. Sometimes you can communicate boundaries. Other times you just demonstrate them with action. But the question here wasn't what to do with a revealed EA/PA, it was whether to start snooping or checking up on H to try to get intel. That's where I felt EMO should chill and see how things played out. And by focusing on herself and detaching she can kind of be as prepared as possible to handle any contingency cool, calm, and collected. And true to her best self.
Originally Posted By: Painter
For me, it has also allowed me to let go of a lot of small stuff - I don't have to think about what I'm okay with or not as things happen, I can let it go because I know what my big issues are and where I draw the line. Does that make sense?...
...I understand about wanting a decision NOW, to end the pain, get a grip on life, know which direction you're going in, wrap things up. Patience in the middle of confusion and pain is almost inhumane to expect. If you can hang in there, you may find a way, though.
The only part I find a little odd is how the quotes from your last two posts contrast. I just posted on Smothy's thread to Py. He was repeatedly deciding what may or may not be possible in the future. I told him he was in an emotionally agitated state of mind and reminded him about counting to 10...in DB land that is 10 months and then some! My point is that I hesitate to make declarative statements about the conditions in which I will terminate a lifelong marriage. The second part is all about recognizing the tendency to want to map out all of the answers, but the first part is all about doing just that so you don't have to think about it again (little exaggerated).
My opinion- you DON'T have to think about it again and again. Just detach. Don't worry about it. If the day comes WAS comes back, then see how you feel THEN, see what transpired, the context it was in, do some soul searching...maybe even let some time pass, get to know WAS, go to some counceling, see if you feel it was circumstantial and situational temporary insanity, or if it's character flaws, can it be worked through, can you make some sacrifices, etc. I think it can be a tough decision, but we're talking about an M, I don't like just closing a door because the flow chart you made in month 1 after BD said so! Granted, a PA is a [url=serioushttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2569381#Post2569381][url=serioushttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2569381#Post2569381][url=serioushttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2569381#Post2569381]serioushttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2569381#Post2569381[/url][/url][/url] thing...but even still, these are just my thoughts.
So I think the key is to detach, and exactly as you said, be patient, and be ok not having all of the answers. At least that's the road I've followed.
I completely respect your input about my post. 
I'm not saying to throw in the towel or that all is lost, but the hill is much, much steeper if there is an outsider involved.