Zephyr - the "no expectations" concept is IMO, one of the toughest. It's really a discipline. Not just for your relationship with your ww, but in life.
Meditation helps me regain focus. But without getting too Buddhist on you, one of the main philosophies of it is that the cause of suffering is that we look for satisfaction in things that are impermanent. We attach happiness/hope, etc on events, people, things and even if we achieve it, it never is at the level we projected them to be on our mind and more often than not, we don't get them and end up being sad.
The more you can focus on enjoying the present moment and not let your mind wonder into the "whatif" futures or "hindsight" pasts - you'll be able to be pleasantly surprised with where you are - like the live music event you went to.
Easier said then done. I wish you the best of luck!
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
I sure hate checking in and seeing you still waiting for that shoe to drop. I'm sorry, but doI da like you're doing a great job preparing yourself yet working for a better outcome. Keep being the man she would chase, flirt, be your best.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Thanks Zelda. I don't like it much either. I a better man then when I started this...for sure. I don't think it enough, I have more work to do in the codependency department before all is said and done, no matter what the outcome...that has got to be addressed.
Rip, thank you again for your outlook. I keep trying to look to the future and wife keeps focusing on the past, holding that resentment so dearly...quite a matchup... Neither one of us knows what it is like to live for today. I can't control her side, I am trying to figure out how to focus on today, without expectations, with love and understanding for others needs Without expectations /silent contracts and to treat myself with more respect and joy.
Last night we got some news that a good friend of ours and her husband are getting a divorce. My wife sent me a note with the original mailing from her friend: "Well Phuck, That Bl0ws. Very Sad"
We talked very briefly about it at supper. basically she said she tried to get ahold of her friend to find our what happened. and then followed up later on that she had not heard back.
At bed time, I leaned over and kissed Wife's arm and said, "I really want to make this marriage work." She basically asked why I had said it, and if everything was OK. I said I just wanted to say it and I was fine. Of course I asked HER if everything was ok, she replied "I'm fine." There was a long silence, I guess I was waiting for her to say something...anything. then she didn't say anything more and went right to sleep after a 'good night' exchange. I laid there for the next 2 hours trying to figure out what to do.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. STOP PRESSURING HER DOPEY.
All day I have had the urge to email her with a follow up (WHICH I WILL NOT DO) but the fact that I want to tells me more than anything.
Ok, so I feel better. I have been using some grounding exercises for anxiety all morning and it seems to be helping take some of the edge off. I will practice more. THANKS EIRINN!
All day I feel like things are starting to spiral downward over last couple of weeks vs. The feel of an upward trend over last bunch of months.
Soccer season ends this Saturday...so I will get my flexibility back. I really want to get busy working on my basement again...it really gave me a way to focus hard on something and honestly is is a goal I need to reach. I am going on 10 months now under construction...but have done very little last 2 with soccer and everything else. I have done everything from cutting up floor for new bathroom to electrical, plumbing, carpentry, drywall, flooring and painting. The design was a collaboration between me & W. I wanted her input to help this project to be something she wanted and did not feel like. Railroad job...she said she felt that way about other projects in he past (true if she thinks it was),
I need to finish it and start enjoying the space..almost 900,square foot TV area, gaming area, bar, fitness room & storage / mechanical spaces. Will be awesome when done... But I'm not. I wonder if that is part of the downward swing...me NEVER finishing projects...this being much the same. Idk?
Nothing. You are a husband who loves, appreciates and misses his wife. All normal - especially as she is lying right there next to you. How hard that must be.
Continue to give yourself grace and not be so hard. Look at it this way - you REALIZE you pursued and that's NOT what you want. How many YEARS were you oblivious to this?
It doesn't happen overnight and the realization and catching yourself will help in future incidents. Onward and upward, my friend!
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Zephyr, I so wish I could give you a real hug. You are doing very well with everything. Whenever there's a change in your life, you are going to start looking at all of your changes which then drives up the anxiety. It's okay to feel bad. It's okay to be sad....just not around her.
I totally agree with Ripken that it has to be incredibly hard with her in the same bed with you. I would be up half the night to. Just tell yourself, "I can be uncomfortable and survive; I've been uncomfortable before and survived."
I am so glad the grounding exercises are working. Remember to practice them when you are not anxious too so that they become easy when you are stressed.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
If I was in the neighbourhood I would offer to give you a hand some weekend on your project.
It is easy to beat ourselves up or let others criticise unfinished projects. We can't do everything at once. You have been busy. Make it an objective to finish it without dragging on forever. This is for you and should not be a source of stress. Enjoy progressing and finishing it.
It is good to be able to see areas where we cab improve. just stop knocking yourself about them. There are enough critics already in the world.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
