Cali, I know I haven't said much to ya lately. You're still doing fantastic. But I read a post earlier, and I'm going to just share a thought I've had since things turned around in your sitch that I think maybe you may feel. Well it's something I felt and maybe saw some of it in you.
I know when xh came back, I had a little panic in the sense that I felt, "No! Not yet! It's too early!" Like I had a feeling he would, but I wasn't done with me yet. I didn't want my time to be cut short. And I further knew... he had a long, long way to go. He didn't realize just how far.
Actually, I'm pretty sure, he thought it would just go right back where he left off. He talked immediately about coming back, our next steps... like we would plan before bd- like it didn't happen. And never once did he discuss it with me- like if it would be ok if he came back. Assumptions.
OK, not trying to ramble... but I think I just know some of your feelings, and although I don't always chime in, I understand how tough it is.
I also think that may have been some of the hesitation about mc? Like, yeah! I want that. When it's time. It is such a fragile time. I understand your concern and am so glad you continue to focus on you.
We had too many outside influences to get to that point. But I am fully aware of the fragility of it. You get it. You are doing so well. No matter what, you will be amazing and strong, and a really good man.
Yeah, I have been reading a few threads, and as I guess looks like it has taken months for the LBS ... MLC or not... just to feel like .. ok this is real, the WAS is really trying and they begin to trust a bit.
I am about 1 1/2 months in now, thats a new record for me.. lol, starting to accept she is trying, even the fights here and there, not as bad as they used to be. Thing is... like yesterday, not much contact, she TM after work asking "how are you guys?" and that she was on her way but the exchange was quick, I did some house cleaning, ironed, cooked ( I am starting to want to date/marry myself the more I type) and after, met up with a couple friends of mine for a Cinco drink ... then home. She TM during that at 9:30 with a goodnight, but I honestly was not thinking about her .. I was GAL .. and detached. Today .. she is much more chatty via TM, again ... just observing its not making or wrecking my day. I am staying even which feels good, even showing some leg if you will and joking with her a touch, because that's me, that's who I always was and that part I packed into 2.0 .. I like that part of me, always have.
But yeah, my fear was her wanting MC so fast and either quitting to early (That was me not trusting she is all in) Or just not ready to do the work on our M because lets just be honest, I think she has some unresolved issues to work on herself, and by going MC I think it is a band-aide to take the focus off her, not to imply she is all that was wrong in our M, but I think you guys get what I am aiming at here. So I admmitedly stalled, and seems now I am getting help stalling, but found a loophole where maybe it helps her to know ... yes MC is on the table but its about 2 months out ... in the meantime you should keep working on you ... just like I am, and we will see if we can get through some of the small things on our own knowing we need serious help with the M .... trick is not to implode on the way.
I have to hit a point where I can accept that she had the A, sure its a symptom, but its there MLC or not, I have to accept the STD and what that will be for the rest of her life anyways and how it impacts me, still remains to be seen if I can deal with that. I have to communicate that this event transformed me into who I was meant to become, and accept that ... more importantly W has to accept that new man just as I must learn to accept the new person she has/will become ... are those two new people compatible as the Cali1.0 and W1.0 were for 24 years?? ... thats a big TBD.
I do think that ^^^ has to be factored in, and I am willing to try, but I am no longer willing to give up who I have become to do this, so I do see some rocks on this road that will need to be either moved or navigated around for the new M to work.
I am willing to try, but I am no longer willing to give up who I have become to do this, so I do see some rocks on this road that will need to be either moved or navigated around for the new M to work.
I freakin love that ^^^.
Luke, I want to be clear..I am not at all saying that you should jump right in here. In fact it was me who didnt think you should do MC at this time. I say that because if it happens too soon, it can implode.
Let's face it, Luke, this is a crap shoot in some ways. I mean, we dont really know what's going to happen, yea?
The difference between this and the other times she wanted back in doesnt lie with her...it lies with you. You are in a place of strength this time...and that, my friend, matters a great deal.
Luke, I want to be clear..I am not at all saying that you should jump right in here. In fact it was me who didnt think you should do MC at this time. I say that because if it happens too soon, it can implode.
uR,
Can you please elaborate a bit on your thought process here? What do you base your observation of MC can "implode" as you say? How and why would it "implode" if it happens on some arbitrary idea of 'too soon'??
Hey Wonka, I have been around several marriages where the spouse wanted back in before they had worked through their stuff.
When they went to MC, the therapist felt that there was no way it would work and encouraged them to give up. Now some of that was because a couple of the therapists werent pro marriage.
Some went and the spouse was still stuck in their stuff and it went badly. Another one went to be able to say they tried. Another hadnt done the work and decided it was just too hard.
So, I feel strongly that they both need to be of similar mindset in terms of where they are in wanting to save their marriage and that the MLCer has made some strides in doing the work.
Hey Wonka, I have been around several marriages where the spouse wanted back in before they had worked through their stuff.
That's assuming that it was done without IC and MC??
When they went to MC, the therapist felt that there was no way it would work and encouraged them to give up. Now some of that was because a couple of the therapists werent pro marriage.
This is what we usually talk about around here in DB. Bad MC therapist can do more harm than good. In Cali's case, I believe he is doing his due diligence when researching MCs. I do not belive this bad MC will be the case here. So we can scratch this off the list of concerns.
Some went and the spouse was still stuck in their stuff and it went badly. Another one went to be able to say they tried. Another hadnt done the work and decided it was just too hard.
Again, I sense that it was something we usually talk about in DB when there's a WAS...not a MLcer. I do think the differences between a simple WAS and MLCer impacts how one approaches MC.
So, I feel strongly that they both need to be of similar mindset in terms of where they are in wanting to save their marriage and that the MLCer has made some strides in doing the work.
I have a bit of a problem with this section right there. As you have read around in the MLC forum for a long time, most often one can see that the MLCer and the long-standing LBS are usually not of the similar mindset. It is as if the MLCer is catching up and looking to the LBs as the wingman to re-boot their M. You only have to see Raine and rH's threads to recognize it.
They (MCLers) usually look to the LBS for cues for unconditional love and pointing them in the right direction with loving guidance. If we qualify attending MC with this provsion that the MLCer must make "great strides" first, then it's a crapshoot because how one makes "great strides" is a subjective measurement.
I want to point out that Cali's W has been asking about MC which is highly unusual of a former MLCer just coming out of the tunnel and she's taking the initiative which is even more special. In my mind, the more Cali puts off the MC due to his ongoing unresolved fears, it will be detrimental to the new Cali M.
The mindset does not have to be similar, but the INTENT behind it is...which is trying to chart a new path forward with the expert guidance of a qualified professional versed in solution-based MC threapy. I just think that trying to do this DIY by themselves is doing the M, and the family a great disservice.
I wouldn't dream of doing my taxes without a qualified CPA, changing a gasket in the car without a mechanic, etc.
