Oh, and reading Sandi's "Wayward wife" threads aren't just meant to be a way for you to put your finger on your wife's behavior; it's meant to be a roadmap for your decision-making in dealing with her.
If you think Sandi knows your wife's mindset so well, it would be very interesting to see what she (Sandi) thinks about the latest turn.
mvg, she knows that I legally cannot keep her from being in the house. Her father is an attorney and it would have made things a lot messier otherwise. It is probably more the ease with how I am letting her jump back into the relationship. I do agree, I do feel like I am letting her back too easily, behaviorally.
Now, however, I am a lot more open and direct with her. If I tell her that I am struggling to see her as actually working on the marriage, I tell her what I am noticing, and she actually works on it. Communication was a huge problem in the past with us. This outspokenly honest route, regardless of topic, does seem to get results. I do feel like she has a lot more respect for me. Most of the time she actually asks "....is that OK?" and if I am uncomfortable with it, I tell her outright, and she abides. If she says something disrespectful, I just get up and leave right away. She normally asks about it later and I respond to her honestly.
I understand that the historically effective route is normally the the best route to go. I would just rather live my life without worrying about another, aside from my S. She knows what upsets me and what I can do. She knows where things will end up otherwise (with her, me, her family, and my family). I am happy with my soccer, golf league, fishing, hanging out with S, going out with friends without her being there. She is a gift, if she wants to be a part of my life, she can, as long as she continues to have respect for me and the relationship.
Honestly, it did get to the point where I just did not want to be around her at all. She almost made me physically ill just to see her in the house. She does offer insight on what is going on now. She has not changed her passwords. I am just more not wanting to be on the obsessive side of monitoring. I WILL check occasionally, but would rather her prove her actions otherwise. I want to see what I want in the relationship, and she knows what that is. It was a "she knows that I know situation" and thought I would be OK with it because I loved her so much that I would not mind my marriage be completely defiled, to lose my wife and become "just friends", and lose my son for any amount of time. As long as she thought she was happy with her actions, she believed I would be happy to help her with whatever she wanted to do. She learned otherwise. Basically it was pretty easy to tell as she did not want to do anything intimate with me. All of that has changed, though in the back of my mind, I have the thought of "this might be a ruse."
She was/is not just a WW, but a WW with depression and chemical abuse issues, of which she is still working out. It is a slightly different matter, though everything from the WW did seem to go by the script, with the added "the depressed mind holds onto the negatives much more than anything else" thing. I would love to hear from Sandi if possible. Sometimes I do feel like I am walking on thin ice with W's past, as she has used the relapse excuse before (to no avail), among other things (she does/has cut). Just have to weed out the crap and if she threatens something, act on it.
Her schooling has been taking a substantial hit with this as well, to the point where she was nearly failing because of all of the emotional stress she was incurring on herself with her fantasy. Another aspect of her life that she would have ruined for herself.
Maybe you couldn't legally keep her out of the house but you have told her you weren't ready for her to come back. I think letting her back so easily was a setback for maintenance of your boundaries. But it is done, so you have to rebuild your perceived commitment to your boundaries
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
