Thanks HS. I do hope our M can be saved and that her behavior is just a result of some emotional turmoil with the situation rather than a real change. It's just hard to believe that the woman I knew who was always a great mother is so different right now. I expected her to be different towards me but not our S.
Me:37, W:33, S:7 T:10 total (split while she was in college) M:3 S:2/4/15 EA confirmed: 3/7/15 D mentioned numerous times since 2/4/15, nothing filed...yet
I had to think of my wife as a drug addict. They lie, cheat, steal and alienate their families to keep feeding the addiction to their drug of choice. In this case, that drug is the OM. Would you abandon your wife if she was suffering from a substance abuse problem? Probably not- this is the same. The same reward centers in the brain that cause drug addictions are stimulated during an affair, so it's no wonder the behaviors are the same.
Some addicts are mentally strong enough to extricate themselves from their addiction - for others, they must crash and burn first. I was lucky, eventually my wife pulled herself out of the A to work on our M. For many on this board, they must wait for the A to die a natural death before their spouse crawls back. I will say that once your spouse decides to join you in a M recovery plan, the person you remember will come back- I promise you that.
My W and the OM seem to be getting pretty serious. They're together almost all the time. I don't know what to do. I've been very good about detaching and GAL but it doesn't seem to be phasing her at all.
2 weeks ago she told me "neither of us know what's going to happens BETWEEN US..." and I want to know if she's still thinking that or even considering reconciling but don't know if I should ask or just leave it alone.
Me:37, W:33, S:7 T:10 total (split while she was in college) M:3 S:2/4/15 EA confirmed: 3/7/15 D mentioned numerous times since 2/4/15, nothing filed...yet
Detaching and GAL are for YOU. They are to help YOU. She will not be "phased" by this, not right now, and maybe not ever. Accepting THAT is part of detachment, and the sooner you accept this, the sooner you will be successful.
My W and OM are together all the time as well. They work together, they talk on the phone in the morning and evening, they spend nights and weekends together. This is an indication of where she is right now.
OM is fulfilling needs that haven't been met, possibly for a long time. Getting those needs met is part of what creates the addiction, and the "fog". The taboo and the secrecy of it contribute to it as well, but sometimes on a nearly imperceptible level.
Since she is where she is, and you are where you are, there is nothing you can do to positively affect the situation. Anything you do try to influence it (directly or indirectly) WILL backfire, and she will see it as a control attempt on your part.
Work on YOU, reclaim YOUR life, and if SHE eventually decides she likes what she sees, AND is willing to take the chance, you will be ready for her. If she is not willing, you will be ready for a new chapter. Either way, you will be ready.
Stop focusing on her. You can't do anything with that right now. Focus on YOU, and focus on your relationship with your CHILD.
I see her statement from 2 weeks ago as keeping you on the chain. Let it be, and do not pursue it. Now is not the time.
Me: 30, W: 29 S: 4 T: 14 M: 5 BD: March, 2015, ILYBNILWY, IDLY, Need Space OM, EA/PA Discovered (drunken kissing, she says she stopped there? NOPE!): March 2015 S: April 25th, 2015
Thank you JAS84. You're right. I do need to stop worrying about her and just focus on myself and my son. It's just harder than I thought it would be but I think I'm getting better at it.
Me:37, W:33, S:7 T:10 total (split while she was in college) M:3 S:2/4/15 EA confirmed: 3/7/15 D mentioned numerous times since 2/4/15, nothing filed...yet
It IS hard, isn't it? My W and I were together for 9 years, then married for 5 before BD. We got together when I was 16, and she was 15. We had been together for HALF OF OUR LIVES.
Now she is with OM. And it stinks. As much as I thought an A would be a deal-breaker, right now, I don't feel like it needs to be. That thought may change again before this is all said and done. I don't know, and I accept that I don't know.
The turning point for me was when she moved out this past Saturday. I realized that I had been doing things alone for just about the past month, and it was OK. I had been focused on HER, and what SHE was doing wrong, and hadn't thought enough about myself, and how I could improve.
I now have the freedom to do that, to straighten out my life, and enjoy the time I have with family, friends, my son (on weeks I have him), and work on my house. These are all things that she wanted me to do, mind you, but the perspective is different: They are things I NEED to do, as a MAN. They ARE things that will bring happiness to my life, and whether she accepts my changes as an avenue back into a life together, well... That is her decision to make, and whatever the decision is, it will come WITH TIME.
My side of the street, as it were, will be spotless and gleaming, even having been "repaved" as a result of my "community improvement project". But I treat our "street" as the border between two towns. Her side: Again, up to her, and the decisions she makes about her emotional "budget".
People will be drawn to me because of my confidence, my strength, my compassion, and my love for myself. If she is one of them, great. If not, well, that's OK too. Note that I am not indifferent of the outcome, but accepting of the possibilities. I would give anything to have my wife back, but I know that there is nothing certain on this path we currently travel.
My son will still have 2 loving parents, regardless of this outcome, and likewise, I will be happy regardless, as long as we can accomplish that.
Me: 30, W: 29 S: 4 T: 14 M: 5 BD: March, 2015, ILYBNILWY, IDLY, Need Space OM, EA/PA Discovered (drunken kissing, she says she stopped there? NOPE!): March 2015 S: April 25th, 2015
