The past month has been pretty interesting. Almost 3 weeks ago ( a week or so after out last meeting), I sent W an email saying I was done. It was my way of pushing things along, although I did sit on the email a few days to make sure that it was what I wanted. W replied that she had just wanted us to be 'friendly' these past 2 years and slowly start fresh. She said she had thought a lot about things after our meeting (my last post) and was ready to call me and say she wanted to try again. That she really wanted to make it work and even hoped to move home by Christmas. Has she fed me this line before? Yes, but for the 1st time, she also said she was 'willing to change everything and break multiple friendships'. But before she could call me, I said I was 'done.' Convenient, huh? I just replied that if she was willing to do those things, I'd be willing to hear her out.
Since that email exchange, we haven't really spoken much. I laid low with no intention of pushing that conversation. If she wanted to have it, she could drive it. The following weekend, MIL was in town, so they were busy. Then W and kids went out of town for a weekend...but I still got the sense that W was avoiding contact with me, so last night I text asking why that was. Our conversation is as follows...
W: I'm really not in a good mood or place to talk at all right now. Just feeling blah and lost. Tired M: Why? W: Don't know. Lots of things M: Has something changed in the past 3 weeks? W: I don't know M: So you didn't mean what you emailed? W: I didn't say that
I ended the conversation by telling her I was here if she needed to talk and she responded with an 'ok, I know'.
It feels like something happened or something's going on with her. I can imagine that if she's serious about telling me she wants to try, she has a lot of hurdles/challenges to overcome. I'm sure that's not easy. Or maybe it's not R related at all...(I know, lots of mind reading going on). I'm not pushing it any further- the only reason I reached out is that she had gone completely silent after a cordial interaction when MIL was in town (who btw, I was friendly with and gave up 'my' weekend with the kids for ).
So that's where things stand. I text her a 'Happy Birthday' this morning, but no response (not even a thanks, which is not like her). I'll continue to lay low as I find myself still going back and forth on what I want. Easy to go back and forth when I ask myself- why would I want to be with this person?
W sent me an email last week saying she had been thinking about what us trying again would look like. Would old issues pop up? What would our expectations be? What would the steps be?.... I asked if she'd want to meet up to discuss as opposed to going back and forth through email. So last night we met for dinner.
A lot of the conversation was just catching up, joking around, talking about the kids, etc so not a whole lot of time on 'us'. Plus the restaurant was super quiet, so not the best place to have an in depth R talk. Anyways, I wouldn't say we officially agreed to work on things, rather, we discussed what the steps would be (ex.- talking on the phone a couple times a week, hanging out with each other) to ease back into a R. More of 'let's start with being friends and work towards a goal of R' vibe.
We left things with her asking me to send her a list of things I'd need form her (ex- ending certain friendships) and just how I would see things going forward. I asked the same from her. She's initiated several texts today about one of our dogs (at the vets right now) which is a big step in itself.
So the advice needed- how do I/we approach this?? What are the steps? It's been 2 years since we S, so I don't feel the need to jump into counseling, have her send no contact letters or anything that serious right away (she agrees), which follows the usual steps involved in piecing. We need to start by being friends- maybe it's a 'pre piecing'? I told her that because I had been hurt in the past, I'd have to process the feelings of opening back up to her and feeling vulnerable. She understood and asked for ways she could help. Obviously ending 'that' friendship is #1 on my list and she's acknowledged she's willing to do that, but how? Do I just have to take her word for it when I've been lied to in the past? It feels like a strange balance of starting a new R vs 'this is what I need you to do as my W.'
After 2 years of being S, it doesn't feel like we are coming back together as much as it feels like starting something new. Maybe it's the wrong stance, but after all this time, I don't feel like things like M retreats or counseling are required right away. I think we both agreed that if things progressed, those types of things would obviously be beneficial. I suppose the thing preventing me from treating this as a R with someone I just met or even a friend I've know for years, is the hurt and lies (aka baggage) that comes along with it....
This is not territory I'm familiar with so don't have much advice. Hoping a bump will get you the advice you're looking for! You have to do what is right for you, for me I think I would be more comfortable with any inappropriate friendships being "officially" ended.
Wish you all the best! Patience really does pay off!
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
So the advice needed- how do I/we approach this?? What are the steps? It's been 2 years since we S, so I don't feel the need to jump into counseling, have her send no contact letters or anything that serious right away (she agrees), which follows the usual steps involved in piecing. We need to start by being friends- maybe it's a 'pre piecing'? I told her that because I had been hurt in the past, I'd have to process the feelings of opening back up to her and feeling vulnerable. She understood and asked for ways she could help. Obviously ending 'that' friendship is #1 on my list and she's acknowledged she's willing to do that, but how? Do I just have to take her word for it when I've been lied to in the past? It feels like a strange balance of starting a new R vs 'this is what I need you to do as my W.'
Of course the "other friendship MUST end." However, first and foremost what you have written seems to indicate that she wants to try again on ya'll. And that is a big step. Remember when you two were dating? That mindset seems the most logical place to start. Of course, it would be different given your history - but go into just like that. Friends first. Go out on dates and over time test the waters. There is no script, my friend. Start from scratch and go from there - and yes, it will feel weird but you just can't jump in at full throttle, can you?
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After 2 years of being S, it doesn't feel like we are coming back together as much as it feels like starting something new. Maybe it's the wrong stance, but after all this time, I don't feel like things like M retreats or counseling are required right away. I think we both agreed that if things progressed, those types of things would obviously be beneficial. I suppose the thing preventing me from treating this as a R with someone I just met or even a friend I've know for years, is the hurt and lies (aka baggage) that comes along with it....
You are correct, there is no going back to the "old R" where things were great. You two are completely different people than when you met, dated, married, etc. You both grew. So, in essence, you really are starting something new. The difference is, of course, the history you shared. Yet, you two are getting to know each other all over again. And I would find that very exciting - I wish and hope like hell that my situation reaches the place you are in now. But, all the hurt/lies/baggage is in the past and to grow as a person, one can't live in the past (something I wish my W would learn).
To me, it sounds as you are on a great path. If you want things to work, then think of it as something fun and exciting. Godspeed, friend!
Last edited by Evil_E; 10/14/1501:37 PM.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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