My story so far

[Squiggy]

Why must I torture myself with allowing her to video call S5? Every time she calls, he throws a tantrum. He is being reactive to the situation. Even though all day he has told me I'm the best daddy and he loves me and wouldn't stop being by me, he was angry at her not meeting up with me and said he hates this house. She smiled at that and looked to the side, like someone was there, which I am not doubting at this point. I know I need to detach more, but right now I'm just angry and frustrated. This was all after this series of text messages:

W: Do you have S5 yet? I really need to talk to him. I'm struggling really bad without him.
M: Just got him. Really sorry you are missing him so badly. He had a great day.
W: I'm really struggling without him.
M: I know you are. I really do.
W: This whole thing is really hard. I'm nervous about the new job thing too.
M: It really is. New jobs are scary, but you are an amazing therapist.
W: Thanks. Just really concerned about the hours. It's non-profit though so it shouldn't be as strict. Can I video chat with him?
M: They sounded like great people. Need to wait until we are home. Dark in here.
W: Ok. Message me when you get there please.
M: I will when I get him settled in.

Got home. He was mad that it wasn't mommy's house. Tried explaining to him that mommy said the snow was so bad she couldn't leave. Calmed him down. Loved on him. Made the video call. She went from the living room to the bedroom, which shouldn't have made a difference (see above). He wouldn't talk to her, was angry, sad, hid from her. She said she was crying earlier because she missed him. She didn't look good at all. He said two things about being mad at me and then the hating this house part. Both times she looked to the side of the phone and had a smirk. I told her I can let her go if she's busy, he needs to go to sleep anyway. She got defensive. That was a little backslide.

Earlier in the day when she tried to call him at my mother's house (aunt was watching him), he didn't want to talk to her at all and hid. I feel so bad for him.

I'm reading the WAW post by MWD again. I really need to remind myself this is part of the script - justify the action by his behaviors. The sad part is that he has been an angel all weekend, and that is what she needs to see. Instead, she sees that he is mad at the situation and thinks it's my fault. Consequently, another negative experience on the chalkboard for her.

Here are some things I've realized.
1. She has been planning this for quite a while. Probably since the beginning of December at least.
2. All her thoughts are on herself and maybe S5 and maybe an OM, not me.
3. Although she is trying to protect him, at least in her mind, she is causing him harm.
4. S5 feels that I am safe and secure, which is part of the reason he takes it out on me (I don't get angry with him anymore).
5. I like this new me that I am becoming. It feels great, and I am not going to let anything stop this train.
6. I truly have been given the gift of working on myself and my R with S5. Regardless of what happens, he and I are in a much better place and will continue to improve.
7. I need patience. Lots of patience.
8. I recognize resentment building within me. I need to let it go.
9. I need to ignore whatever is going on in their video conversations. It's not worth it, and I just feel bad after.
10. Her roller coaster is about her. Not me, and I don't want to ride the thing into oblivion.

Thoughts?

[Squiggy]

Fireproof touched me on a deeper level than I thought possible. I cried and thanked God for putting the sequence of events leading up to me watching it last night and surrendered myself and my marriage to Him. I have never felt so much peace. A lot of Caleb's personal issues reflected my own struggles. I am in the process of doing more serious self-reflection and truly owning what I need to change. It's like a light has been switched on.

I feel confident in my interactions with W today. She started her first day at the new one this morning. I sent her a text, which will follow, with no expectations and put my phone down. It surprised me that I got as much of a response. I am not reading into it either and accept it for what it is.

M: Good luck today. You're going to do great.
W: Thank you. I've been here for an hour and the director just got here and was surprised I was already here lol.
W: She was like, wow you are here bright and early.
W: I already have 6 referrals I have to call today, a little overwhelming.
M: Sounds like you're off to one hell of a good start. You've got this

An hour later:
W: How's S5 today?
M: He's in a great mood. Lots of hugs and love this morning.
W: Great to hear. Can't wait to see him today.
M: He is looking forward to seeing you as well.
W: Are you still home with him right now?

Later:
W: Do you want to file jointly or separately for taxes? I would like to get them done by this weekend if possible.

I was busy and waited...

M: I'm at work. I believe we have to file jointly.
Almost immediately..
W: I'm freaking out. I'm so overwhelmed.
M: The door is always open if you need help. You are brave and strong, never forget that.
W: I'm just really struggling with all this change. And I know I've brought it all on myself but I'm feeling so alone and helpless

I didn't respond yet at this point, was busy at work. An hour later...

W: What time will you be in Lafayette?
W: Thought we could all have dinner together.
25 minutes later
M: That would be nice. I'll be done at 6 and then need some time to get him.
W: Okay. We can find a place to eat there. I really don't want McDonald's or Burger King, if we can help it (throwback to financial problems we used to have)
M: I'll pull up a map and take a look at what is around there (180 against indecisiveness)
W: Okay thank you

I sooooo want to mind read what is going on today. But as I said earlier, I surrender the outcome of this marriage to God. I plan to be the great father I am becoming and the great friend I am (thank you Jefe's thread for the examples).

Any other thoughts on this? I want this to be a positive experience, regardless of the outcome. I do admit it would be nice if it moved us closer together.

[MrBond]

I was afraid of that. You're becoming too much of her "friend". You can't keep offering your help and be the "nice guy". Would you sound just as chipper if she had another guy and started sharing with you what she does with him?

[Squiggy]

So how do I find that balance between being a friend and still showing that I want to save this marriage? The help I offered was an ear that will listen to her. Her LLs are Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service, and before BD I didn't do well in speaking her LLs. I also don't want to give the impression that I am going out of my way to contact her. As I said in a previous post, it's been mostly NC with us except for regarding S5.

I want the "road to be paved and smooth", but I'm also not ready to jump back in. Hit me with that 2x4.

[MrBond]

You're her H, not her friend. She knows you want to save the marriage. There needs to be some kind of boundaries that you put in place for yourself. What were other issues that you needed to work on?

[Squiggy]

Great question. I posted this earlier in the thread:

1. Not being involved enough with S5 - I am so completely dedicated to him right now it's not even funny. When he is with me, I am spending every waking minute playing and interacting with him. I've stepped up bath time, tooth brushing, playing, general caretaking, and lovingly establishing rules/boundaries instead of being too harsh.

2. Working more around the house - I've started projects around the house to repair/improve areas I have let go for too long. The house is about 80% cleaned from top to bottom (3 floors is a *****).

3. Being more independent - I have moved forward in opening a new bank account, getting direct deposits switched to the new account, getting bills in order and accounts switched to me, and I am back to cooking/cleaning for myself successfully.

4. Criticism - I feel like I am doing much better. It seems like she is still expecting it from me in her reactions to me. I try to validate as much as possible by reflecting her feelings and thoughts. I need to figure out a way to get better at this.

5. Taking her for granted - Part of this is me being more independent. I thanked her for taking out the trash on Monday, when that is normally something I do. Another part is stepping up in taking care of S5. I even told her to keep him on her birthday this week, because I know it is important to her. Out of all of these, this is the one I am having the hardest time with. She is now living 2.5 hours away, and my time with her is limited. Granted, it's only the first week, but I'm guessing it will stay this way for a while. So, I'm trying to work through her #1 priority, S5, and giving him the best relationship with his father as possible.

These are the primary issues she has raised. I've also added on that I need to improve my anger, impatience, and putting my family first before all else. Anger and impatience are doing so much better since I've started letting go of things and not responding immediately. Putting my son first has been what I've been able to do the most since the move. Otherwise, allowing her the space to breathe and work on herself is the other major part.

[MrBond]

And what about physically? Has she ever had issues with you before about your appearance? It's ok for her to SEE your changes as well as experience them. Have you done anything new since she left? How were you two when you first got married? What attracted her to you?

[Squiggy]

She hasn't had any problems with my appearance. As a matter of fact, I weight about 45 lbs less than the day we met. She gained about 70 lbs over the course of the 10 years due to med change, pregnancy, grad school, etc. However, she is rapidly approaching a point where she is in better shape than when I met her. However, I have always thought she is beautiful. Her smile melts my heart. As soon as I have the finances straight, I'm going to start slowly buying new clothes that fit and look better. I've got 2 goal shirts and 1 goal pair of jeans that are about to be looking good on me. I'm trying to find the time to go to the gym, but I have pulled out the exercise bike (I love riding and am waiting for spring to get out my mtn bike...) and started using it. Also started doing more housework to burn more calories and make it look good. I am working on changing my diet to a more vegetable and meat based with lower carbs (mix between Primal Blueprint and Paleo).

I believe what attracted her to me was the way I was confident and cared for very difficult children (worked as a direct care staff at a residential facility). I was selfless in my caring for others. I made her feel special.

[sandi2]

Well I am going to jump straight in and ask about your sex life in the M.

The things you have listed as her complaints are not coming off as the main issue, to me. Unless I missed the severity of it. I mean, were any of these bad enough to break up a M?

For example, your R with your child. I find it a little difficult to think a woman would give up half her child's time to be with a father she did not approve of in the first place. If you were mean or abusive, yes I could understand her wanting to leave......but then she would have to entrust her child to you, without her being around. So, that would not make much sense as to a solution.

Most working W's think their H's don't do enough to help with housework. I have never known of one case, however, where that was the basis of a S/D. Perhaps you have, in some of the couples you counsel.

Taking her for granted, as in the example you gave........I think happens in most families to a degree. Again, unless there is more to the story, I just don't see this being the true reason behind her leaving.

Now criticism can become hard to live with on a daily basis. It can affect her self-esteem and perhaps feel like mental abuse. It could certainly cause her to be vulnerable to another man who made her feel "special".

Only you know the degree in these issues that existed. Unless you have glossed over it, I am thinking she left you for the other guy. That is why I asked about the sex in your M. For some women, it may make no difference, but for most.....it usually shows up in the lack of desire to ML with their H. Somewhere along the way, she lost her desire to be with you. Can you shed some light on it?

[Squiggy]

Hi sandi. My new thread is at http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534140&page=7

I'm going to respond in that thread, since the A/OM has now come out.