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A Message from Michele
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Re: KGirl - one year later [Re: KGirl] #2519552
12/22/14 02:39 PM
12/22/14 02:39 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
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labug Offline
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labug  Offline
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Sonoran Desert
Originally Posted By: KGirl
Aww.. thanks, everyone! I'm actually having a tough time with how this day way went, I'm not sure if it's my lack of communication, or other people's attention to detail. I sent a bunch of people a facebook message saying that I'd be at X place at 7pm until about 9ish, "for drinks and hanging out." X place is a restaurant/bar and it's pretty equally split between eating and drinking. I didn't want to try to arrange an actual dinner because of their reservation policy and needing an exact number and everyone to be there at the same time, so was eating dinner w/ my sister at 6pm, then thinking I'd meet everyone in the bar part at 7pm. I thought that saying "drinks and hanging out" was clear enough that we weren't doing a sit down dinner. Well, my sister was late picking me up, we were just finishing at 7pm, and then two couples show up and say "oh, I thought we were eating dinner at 7?" So it was kind of an awkward evening because they had to get a different table and eat dinner (when my intention was just for us to hang out in the bar area and get drinks), then we joined up once everyone got their food at a bigger table and had drinks. Sigh... maybe I was clear enough and they didn't clarify. A different person did message me in advance and say "are we doing dinner, or just drinks?" so it seems I was confusing. Boo. Oh well. 4 beers in and I guess I don't care too much though I'll probably feel bad in the morning.

H's family (two sisters, nieces, nephew, and mom) sent me a happy birthday snapchat but unfortunately I didn't realize what it was, clicked on it when I was talking with others, and missed most of it! smirk


You're not responsible for other people and their choices. smile

It turned out fine, right?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: KGirl - one year later [Re: labug] #2519595
12/22/14 04:26 PM
12/22/14 04:26 PM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
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KGirl Offline OP
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KGirl  Offline OP
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Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
It did turn out OK, I think (my friends seemed perturbed but they will eventually forget about it). When we were there a different friend (the one who had explicitly asked beforehand what the plans were) said something like "people are here and at least they showed up, so that's good! Who cares if they're eating or what time or whatever." And she was just totally nonchalant about it and really felt like it didn't matter. I really don't know how some people can have that attitude... and I can't... I instead get really anxious about it and feeling badly that I screwed things up. How do I get there?? smile Maybe now that I'm a year older it will come more easily wink The people who I well who are more laid-back and less stressed about things are quite a bit older than me.

Good call on the crocheting! I struggle with trying to find things to do on my downtime that are people-oriented just because my job is so people-oriented, and as an introvert sometimes I need some time to recharge on my own. Being surrounded by more people is not at the top of my interest list but I could push myself to do that. Challenge is finding something more useful or meaningful when doing that (and not spending so much time on the internet or watching tv).


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Re: KGirl - one year later [Re: KGirl] #2519654
12/22/14 06:19 PM
12/22/14 06:19 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
Colorado/USA
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Pink17 Offline
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Colorado/USA
Hi KGirl,

You can't and you probably don't want to go that path of controlling again. Lose it for good. You have been learning some stuff here, so used the knowledge to your benefit. Don't be anxious that you can't control, instead just let go and don't be anxious at all.

I know it is not easy, but I think you need to work on detaching in a very serious way now. It will make you feel better and you will be able to manage your life for yourself to enjoy it.

For me, it is hard do not call, text or contact my H in anyway. I don't even know why. I think about him, get all the ups and downs when I see or talk to him, but I refuse to go after him.

I am not the one the checked out of the M, he is. So, if he wants to find me he knows where.

And, at the beginning of my sitch I was struggling with GAL activities, balance and self steam, but as time went by I feel better every day. My mentor is Labug, I love her way of seeing life and the choices she made when she was where we are now.

It has helped me and is helping me to look up to someone that manage to survive all the drama. And she even got the big prize.

Just and idea: Maybe you want to go back and do another GAL list. Review your goal as in your new situation now.

And try to detach as much as you can. It helps you the most and maybe will help your sitch. Believe me, the more you transform, the more attractive you become, and eventually your H will know about.

Don't worry about him, he will need to fight his own demons for awhile, then routine will set in again and he may end up empty, what is the case most of the time when you are looking to tackle the world of adventures.

Take good care after yourself, you are the most important right now.

Hugs!
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



Re: KGirl - one year later [Re: Pink17] #2519705
12/22/14 08:36 PM
12/22/14 08:36 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 898
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Card29 Offline
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Posts: 898
KGirl, it will just take practice and time. I don't think it will come about naturally with age, but I think the hardest part is what you just did: Identify your weakness. To me, if you posted "Meet at 7:00 for drinks and hanging out", that is plenty clear enough that you're just hanging out. That is where your responsibility ended, to clearly (enough) communicate the plan since you were arranging it. And even if you flubbed something in the invite (wrong time, location, etc.), as labug said, you're not responsible for other people's choices, and especially not their emotions. So they couldn't have ordered some finger food and ate at the bar? Or even order a sit-down plate of food and eat at the bar while everyone is around? There were plenty of healthier options for them other than pouting and straying from the group.

Maybe you can agree with that, but then the question is how do you become okay with it in the moment, next time something like that happens? I feel like there are wiser people here who could give better advice. But it seems like it simply takes time, introspection, working towards responsibility for your own actions and emotions and working away from feeling responsible for other people's emotions.

It sounded like a great time!


Me 30, STBX 30
D3
M 8 years
BD 6/3/14
S 7/26/14
Off-and-on. PA since BD. Possibly "off" since Winter 2015?
Light Switch/I'm Over Her 12/31/14
D finalized 1/10/16
Re: KGirl - one year later [Re: Card29] #2519725
12/22/14 09:11 PM
12/22/14 09:11 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
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Mozza Offline
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KGirl - I've a slightly different take. I think the 7 pm time is what caused the confusion. Several people were confused, so it's worth considering that it's not about "taking responsibility for other people's choices" but about learning and getting better at organizing these events. I know I've gotten better over time.

One thing that I do better is to have an ironclad plan. My message would now include a mention that there will be no dinner. Also, I would confirm on the side with a few close friends and say "5-6 of us will be having drinks after dinner at X". This will create momentum. Another solution is to pick a place with better reservation policy that accommodates your type of event.

No need to stress about it. Live and learn. We all do.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Re: KGirl - one year later [Re: Mozza] #2519729
12/22/14 09:19 PM
12/22/14 09:19 PM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
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KGirl Offline OP
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KGirl  Offline OP
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Posts: 667
Certainly things I could improve up on in the future. I've been reluctant to plan events or even have people over because I'm always worried something will go wrong (and I really shouldn't be.. I'm generally speaking a very detail-oriented person), so this has kind of set me back in the confidence department. I'll start a new thread with the rest of my thoughts!


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Re: KGirl - one year later [Re: KGirl] #2519736
12/22/14 09:28 PM
12/22/14 09:28 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 898
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Card29 Offline
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Was it really that bad? I guess I just get the impression that a couple of people were a little perturbed, but generally it was a success. Is that not how you feel?


Me 30, STBX 30
D3
M 8 years
BD 6/3/14
S 7/26/14
Off-and-on. PA since BD. Possibly "off" since Winter 2015?
Light Switch/I'm Over Her 12/31/14
D finalized 1/10/16
Re: KGirl - one year later [Re: Card29] #2519739
12/22/14 09:44 PM
12/22/14 09:44 PM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
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KGirl Offline OP
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KGirl  Offline OP
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Posts: 667
Well... 7 people in all came. 2 were my sister and fiance, who were 15 min late picking up to go to dinner which threw everything off (so we were still in a booth eating at 7 when I wanted to be in the bar area to greet people when they came in). 4 other people came in at 7 and saw we were eating and expressed confusion about how we were starting at 7, and I said "oh, I'm sorry, we were supposed to be done eating by now and hang out at the bar, we'll be done in a few minutes!" and they said "well we thought we were eating so we'll get a table and eat." And then one other person showed up at 7 but knew we were not eating. So most of them were perturbed :S then it got confusing because when I was done eating, we got up and stood around the table the others were at, which made the waitstaff cranky and they asked us if we could move to a different, bigger table. So then the other 4 people had to move all their food and whatnot to another table. Not the greatest birthday event. I think the time did throw people - one of the couples said "well, it's 7 o'clock so we assumed we'd be eating?" I usually eat dinner much earlier so didn't think of it.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Re: KGirl - one year later [Re: KGirl] #2519746
12/22/14 09:58 PM
12/22/14 09:58 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 898
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Card29 Offline
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Card29  Offline
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Posts: 898
I see. Live and learn, I guess. Don't let it stop you from organizing something else in the near future if you feel inclined! That would be the real tragedy. On to your new thread now


Me 30, STBX 30
D3
M 8 years
BD 6/3/14
S 7/26/14
Off-and-on. PA since BD. Possibly "off" since Winter 2015?
Light Switch/I'm Over Her 12/31/14
D finalized 1/10/16
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