New, looking for help. WAW won't communicate.

[Vanilla]

Ok,

I have been reading your sitch.

I would like to congratulate you on your long sobriety, and please do not negate this. It acknowledges all the work that you, your sponsors and higher power have done to get you to this space with two healthy functioning children. Know this and it will strengthen your soul and spirit as your higher power is not denied by you. Just say thank you Vanilla and all of the board members for acknowledging this, as yes, this has been an enormous challenge.

Let us discuss the most important step of all, the movement from step 2 to step 3. The release of self to the higher power, the loss of judgement and the acceptance of love. The channeling of the higher power as a conduit. I would ask you how far you have embraced this step as to do so means losing all judgement of others. If we have done so then we do not use bad descriptions of others. We do not have that right not because we are less than or insignificant but because that higher power does not permit it and we are connected to that power and so we have automatically excluded this completely from our lives. We do not judge nor try to control others, we let them be who they are, to find their own path. Doing this is the biggest release of all, our higher power guides us and allows us detachment. In working the 12 steps you have a great advantage and gift in your life.

If you read my thread you will know my H is compulsive and I work my own steps and it is very hard. There is the fellowship and the 12 steps these are the two forces of a compulsive program. You will also know how important I believe this to be for the loved one of a compulsive.

I evaluate judgement and the need for control in your writing, the desire to do X to get Y result. I invite you to discuss if this is correct and if so if this extends to your S and W.
For example do you send texts because you want to send them for the best motives without expectation of results? Do you buy presents, cards etc because that is what you wish? Do you want your two sets of kids to react because that is what they want for themselves, individually or separately?

Is there something else involved instead?

Did W ever go to Al Anon? I ask because being a compulsive is not just about managing the compulsion but all of the environment around it, and having knowledge at home of the struggle assists in creating a full recovery environment.

These are of course my own personal views as your issues are determined and also effected by your compulsion which is for life. I have observed that compulsives don't survive the early board posts on this site as they wish to resolve their M without dealing with their compulsion. This is not your position which I applaude and admire.

I hope you have stillness with your thoughts
Vanilla

[jp787]

Okjpc,

A couple things to remember.

What we are going through is not linear, but very mercurial.
For me expectations are very difficult. If I do or say something and tell myself I won’t have any expectations, I have just admitted I already have them. That is just me.

I see in you what I fight with a lot, needing outside reassurance. That is something we need to be able to find within ourselves. Easy? Nope.

One big thing I have come to accept and I say accept as I have always known this, yet always kept it buried, is there was NO way I could fix myself while remaining married. I’m not saying this is true of you or anyone else, but for me it was. Deep down I knew this and I forced into a locked box of denial. My point is really look deep within yourself, you alone hold the answers that you need.

This, for me is a pattern of my life. I don’t deal with anything until my hand is forced. Reactive instead of proactive.

I am making resolutions as I see them. I won’t make any on New Year’s Eve, if that makes sense.

[okjpc]

I was kind of losing it there for a couple of days after Christmas, a week with family and a few days after my wedding anniversary. Also, I didn’t sleep well all that week. And had a couple of major crises pop up with the house. Well, after getting a full night’s rest, talking with some good friends and my DB coach, I feel more on track. Chuck put this DB detachment thing in some terms I could understand. Letting myself feel like I’m in limbo is a choice and it doesn’t make sense to let my W dictate the terms of my life any more. If I knew she were going to be hit by a bus tomorrow, what choices would I make for my life and happiness? He put it better than that, but it got through.

He also said the holidays are very stressful. They magnify whatever our mood is around our sitch, so if things have felt a bit hopeless, they’re going to feel REALLY hopeless. The moods of our WASs are intensified too, so therefore, we really shouldn’t put too much stock in the nature of our contact with them. If my WAW had responded to my Christmas card or text, it very well might have been the result of her amplified emotions and not an indication of any change in her. He usually advises clients to just “hold on” and “get through” the holidays.

So I feel more focused on the GAL activities I have been doing and need to do. For one, I need to figure out a babysitting arrangement so I can get out once a week or so. And I need to get outside more with and without the kids. Luckily my kids love to be outdoors and go on hikes.

I definitely am embarrassed by my recent posts and appreciate everyone who read and weighed in. I guess I’m not giving up on DB. In fact, I have a clearer sense of the differences between detachment, denial, PMA and hope.

[okjpc]

By the way, JP, your post really hit me. I also don't deal with things until my hand is forced. I need to let that settle in a bit more...

[Sotto]

Hi Ok - sounds like you're doing pretty well considering. A tough patch, but coming out of the other side. And no need to apologise about any posts.....we're family here!!

Sounds like some good advice from Chuck for you, and good that it helped. I agree about the holidays. Someone posted their aim was to 'get through it' and 'not make things worse' and I have kept that in mind. If you actually have some good times over the festive season, that's a real bonus too.

Glad you are doing okay now.....Toots x

[Pink17]

Hi Okjpc,

Glad it is all coming together and you are able to understand better. You sound pretty good.

Great idea about the babysitter, it will make a huge difference to have some real people fun. And when I mean fun, it's not about girls or getting drunk. I did go out with friends to talk, for a coffee, to walk, to dance. It's amazing how much energy you gain from this.

You are a good man, keep the hard work too.

Hugs,
Pink

[Faith2b]

wow this was awesome!!

[Faith2b]

And this was awesome...GAL ON!!

Ok,

I have been reading your sitch.

I would like to congratulate you on your long sobriety, and please do not negate this. It acknowledges all the work that you, your sponsors and higher power have done to get you to this space with two healthy functioning children. Know this and it will strengthen your soul and spirit as your higher power is not denied by you. Just say thank you Vanilla and all of the board members for acknowledging this, as yes, this has been an enormous challenge.

Let us discuss the most important step of all, the movement from step 2 to step 3. The release of self to the higher power, the loss of judgement and the acceptance of love. The channeling of the higher power as a conduit. I would ask you how far you have embraced this step as to do so means losing all judgement of others. If we have done so then we do not use bad descriptions of others. We do not have that right not because we are less than or insignificant but because that higher power does not permit it and we are connected to that power and so we have automatically excluded this completely from our lives. We do not judge nor try to control others, we let them be who they are, to find their own path. Doing this is the biggest release of all, our higher power guides us and allows us detachment. In working the 12 steps you have a great advantage and gift in your life.

If you read my thread you will know my H is compulsive and I work my own steps and it is very hard. There is the fellowship and the 12 steps these are the two forces of a compulsive program. You will also know how important I believe this to be for the loved one of a compulsive.

I evaluate judgement and the need for control in your writing, the desire to do X to get Y result. I invite you to discuss if this is correct and if so if this extends to your S and W.
For example do you send texts because you want to send them for the best motives without expectation of results? Do you buy presents, cards etc because that is what you wish? Do you want your two sets of kids to react because that is what they want for themselves, individually or separately?

Is there something else involved instead?

Did W ever go to Al Anon? I ask because being a compulsive is not just about managing the compulsion but all of the environment around it, and having knowledge at home of the struggle assists in creating a full recovery environment.

These are of course my own personal views as your issues are determined and also effected by your compulsion which is for life. I have observed that compulsives don't survive the early board posts on this site as they wish to resolve their M without dealing with their compulsion. This is not your position which I applaude and admire.

I hope you have stillness with your thoughts
Vanilla

[okjpc]

Thank you all for your support. I haven't been good at responding directly to everyone's comments, but I do absorb and appreciate them all. I went ahead and started a new thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...264#Post2522264