Devastated Husband; Need Advice

[Maybell]

My happy place is not about a person.

At the beginning of my current thread I told about a blog I read that reminded me, "Fear is a lighthouse guiding you to where you need to be. Head for the lighthouse."

Maybe you're less of a coward than I am, but deciding that I have the courage to intentionally head in the direction of my fear has been immensely happy for me. It's a relief to think I can take up the space a whole entire grown up fills without being perfect at everything I attempt and that that's a good thing.

Whatever makes you happy, fellas, so long as you believe that happiness is something you're entitled to and that you can foster it without relying on the cooperation of anyone else.

[TLEE86]

Bell- thank you so much for your insight and taking the time to read through my thread. I have been following your sitch as well, and really admire the patience and commitment you have shown...I cant even imagine going through this for a year and a half, but its people like you that have shown that anything is possible, and with the right attitude and a little help from God, maybe a lot of help ha, we can get to where we want to be.

I have been going through this for a year and a half. I fought it like he!! The first ten months. It was inconceivable to me -- truly unimaginable -- that my H could betray me like that.

You're absolutely right. It is so difficult to even fathom that this is my W...my loving, beautiful W. Sometimes I see glimpses of the W I used to know and then it goes away. When I think of these moments, I try and put myself in her shoes when she was angry and unhappy while I was gone. That she probably looked at me the same way, "where was the H I married?" I am not excusing her actions, but I try and acknowledge that I obviously played a role in the state my M is in. A year and a half...I can only pray that if this sitch does last that long- I truly hope it doesnt- that I have the same patience as you do.

As soon as I started acknowledging that this is my reality, things started getting a lot easier. I stopped speaking to my H about anything besides kids & finances the 3rd of October and things got enormously better much more quickly. Contact with him is kind of deadly to me.

I can see him more objectively these days and the sting is different. The occasional moderately positive interaction doesn't make me impatient anymore. I don't know how detached I am, but I'm a lot more at peace.

I have yet to truly accept this is what it is right now. I still fight to control it, and I struggle with the fact that I have no power in this matter. Ive written this before, but a lot of vets and people on this forum seem to continue to urge minimal contact but my DB Coach seems to actually want to me sustain the amount of contact we have, and to even initiate with her as much as she does me. To keep talking to her about friendly things and just shoot the (censored) with her. I am really confused on the difference in opinion...your thoughts?

You've done way more than haul a heavya$$ rucksack with Tobasco in your eyes.

This last line made me laugh, I really needed that so thank you. Tobasco in the eyes...haha, I will never forget that feeling. Im sure your brother has told you countless stories that you probably roll over laughing from. Tell him hello for me, and RLTW!

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HP/Bell,

I think you both have very interesting versions of a happy place. HP, I think it is wonderful that you use your end goal as your happy place. Envisioning success is definitely the way to go. I too have tried this technique and it always makes me smile, but its bittersweet for me, because I don't know if that will actually happen. Maybe this is a defeatist way of thinking, but this idea is both a blessing and a curse when I think about it. Still on the fence sometimes if it works for me or not.

Bell, I am going to have to ponder your idea. I think it is great that you don't rely on any one person to make you happy, that you determine your own happiness, which ultimately is what matters and the only thing we can control. I'll get back to you on this one. It's definitely something worth thinking about and I cant wrap my head around it yet.

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W seems like she wants things "back to normal" before we had this conversation today. Sent her a couple pictures of the dogs, and she replied back and I didn't say anything to her because I really had nothing to say..and she sends another text with a "?" as if she was expecting something back or wondering why i didn't say anything to her in a couple hours. Funny how when I don't reply to her and she's wondering where I'm at that she gets anxious. Ive been complaining about your lack of urgency when responding to texts for the past 3 months there W.

[Georgiabelle]

TL,

You've received some great advice from Maybell. It really does get better with acceptance and time. I think most of us can agree that accepting that your M is dead and the spouse you once knew is gone, is exceptionally challenging. You are still watching all of your W's words, actions, and movements. As soon as you don't analyze each of those, you will feel so much better and confident that you can build a new life for yourself. Maybe it's with your W and maybe not. No one knows that answer.

Happiness? I've really started to loathe that word as people toss is around like a beanbag. However, I've always been a rather *happy* person. This last year has been a struggle and I'm sure I have more struggles ahead. I agree with Maybell that happiness shouldn't be a *person* but rather with you. I realized quite a while ago that I'm going around one time on this planet (at least in his format ).

Definitely feel those feelings and acknowledge your fears. That's pretty frightening in itself. For your own sanity, please know that regardless of the outcome of your R, you can have a great life. Sometimes things look a little different than what we think they are supposed to and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. You are still so young.

Hang in there:-)

[TLEE86]

GB (I'm thinking of calling you Peaches- I love GA peaches), thanks for your time and your insight. Your words really resonated with me, especially this first part.

You are still watching all of your W's words, actions, and movements. As soon as you don't analyze each of those, you will feel so much better and confident that you can build a new life for yourself.

You are right. 100% right. I watch her words, actions, and movements. Sometimes they are positive, sometimes they are negative. My emotions ride this roller coaster everyday. This is where detaching is supposed to come in- I am obviously failing at this right now. I have not yet learned to not wait on her every move, looking for good or bad signs. I need to take the good at face value but not put all my hopes into it and have no expectations. And I need to take the bad and brush it off and do what I can to change if I contributed to it. If its just her mood, then I should just let it roll right off. Thank you for this GB.

Happiness? I've really started to loathe that word as people toss is around like a beanbag. However, I've always been a rather *happy* person. This last year has been a struggle and I'm sure I have more struggles ahead. I agree with Maybell that happiness shouldn't be a *person* but rather with you.

Happiness, as I wrote to Bell, Im still tossing this one around in my head. My happiness and my happy place was doing all these wonderful things with my W. Now that that is taken away from me, I need to find what truly makes ME happy on my own. Still working this one. More to follow on this

-----Break Break Break-----

Just got off with my DB Coach again tonight, what great timing following yesterdays slip up. I love talking to these ladies, so helpful and encouraging.

Some notes I took down from what she told me.

Boundaries

WRT my boundary I set today regarding $, I need to truly enforce that when the time comes. Lovingly and kindly enforce that boundary of finances. I will help you W and I am here for YOU but i don't want to be in the position to help you AND OM. I will not pay for his bills. I need to convey to her that I will help her out, and do what I can to help HER but draw the line to where it is not going to OM

Other Notes

- IOT connect emotionally, we have to build trust, and create emotional safety through validation and empathy. STAY with her feelings.

- Continue this validation statement I have been saying: I have no doubt about your talents and intelligence W. I know you will be successful. I have absolute faith in you. You know that. (I actually truly mean this but never conveyed it to her. This will keep being a 180 from her not feeling as an equal to me)

- For my sitch: Although it is advocated here by many to be selective in responses to W, because her complaint was that I was never emotionally and mentally there, that would be more of the same. Our communication has increased, so I need to continue doing what I am doing. Respond to her when she reaches out to me. Keep talking to her. It is a GOOD THING when she keeps wanting all this contact with me.

Validating Her Feelings if the opportunity arises
- It makes me feel sad when you say there is no future. It hurts me to know I have hurt you, and I have not been there to support you and encourage you. Instead Ive been critical and rejecting. It just hurts me to have hurt you like that and I am sorry.

I encourage you guys to do this exercise and develop your own course of action. It is really enlightening, at least for me.

How would she describe you
Tim is very determined and knows exactly what he wants. He always has a plan. But he can get very controlling sometimes to get what it is he wants. When he is happy, he is very thoughtful and kind and does all the little things I like. When he is unhappy, he becomes extremely self-centered and focused only on himself.

*Course of Action: No matter what my mood is, I need to convey and continue to be consistent in my actions and how I treat W. To continue to make her feel special.

This is probably why my Christmas gift went over so well. It made her feel special and was just a small token of what she meant to me even though we are going through these difficult times. I showed I thought of her no matter how sad I was. This was a 180 that I just realized I did unintentionally. Showing her I care about her, no matter my own feelings.

What frustrates her about you
He doesn't treat me like he used to. He used to do the most thoughtful, sweetest things in the world for me before we got married and he came home from Afghanistan. All I looked forward to was re-living the times we had before he left for his deployment, and there was a huge build up that came crashing down because when he came home, it was no longer about me and the marriage, but about him.

What she thinks you think of her
I think he thinks I am a Trophy Wife sometimes. He likes to show me off to his friends but sometimes doesn't let me be who I am and have to be someone I am not. I think he does love me very much but my personality that he used to love so much, seemed to have bothered him this past year. I think he doesnt think of me as an equal because I dont work and I dont go to school so I dont bring anything to the marriage. This is something that I struggled with my whole life, and when he argues with me and he becomes possessive of everything in the house, it makes me feel even less of an equal

What is the most painful thing to her about what you do
The most painful thing is that he stopped treating me like he used to. He started taking me for granted because we are married and he “got me.” He no longer treats me like he could lose me. (I know better now…).

*Course of Action: Continue to EMPATHIZE with her and VALIDATE her. Make her feel like she is admirable, and loved. To let her know she has many talents and will be successful. That I have FAITH in her.

---Bottom line...DB continues to see a lot of hope and promise in my sitch. Regardless of my little screw up yesterday, W seems to be anxious to get back to talking normally again. DB Coach saying that there is just a lot of hurt in W because her expectations were so high, especially when I returned from deployment, and I let all of them down and became a different person. EA with OM...I need to disregard as much as possible. Control ME and keep doing what I am doing. It was working. PATIENCE....is continuing to reach new levels by the second.

Thanks for reading everyone...I am really thankful for you guys. Don't know how I would get through this without you all.

[bravo61]

Hey bud,
One of the things I said to my XW that I could tell made her think, "who is this guy" was when I screwed up something small. I immediately apologized and told her that I was a work in progress. I'm never gonna be perfect but I'm never gonna stop trying. Also, try to be genuine in your affirmations. Never say the same thing twice. Or even bring up considerate things she did for you in the past that you never really acknowledged. Like, hey W, remember xyz that you did? That was really awesome and it really made me feel special. I don't think I ever expressed how much so. Thank you.

Just some ideas. Don't give up!