Have you read Divorce Remedy yet? Are you in counseling? I wonder why you are so dead-set on holding on to your resentment and anger, instead of trying to control the one thing you can control: you.
What do you have to lose by trying some different thoughts, and some different actions, which will likely lead to different feelings... and may just well lead you and your H to a happier marriage.
Can you find a way to get unstuck and take a risk?
Haven't read it yet- took a bunch of these books out of the library but haven't had time to read them yet. Skimmed through and got frustrated because it seemed like all of the ideas to try I was already trying but maybe I should try to read in entirety.
Hi R: it is great that you are trying. You deserve a lot of credit for reaching out and being open to suggestions. I can relate to your skimming and feelings about the books so far. In fact when my marriage was deteriorating (i just thought it was normal marital imperfections but my h was starting to actively dislike me), i read two classics, 5 love languages and the Gottman book, and didnt see myself in either. I actually read how big of a red flag disdain was, and still didnt notice how it was talking about my marriage. We had all the "four horsemen" but i was blinded by denial, minimization, and disbelief that my h would ever break up the marriage. We thought those books were silly. After the fact, i can see what i could not before.
After my h dropped the bomb, i started counseling and read the dance of anger. Its a very good description of the cycle you may be in right now, where each feels things would be better if the other person would just change first. Reframed as a pointless vicious cycle, you may be able to find a way to choose to step out of that dance first. Btw i didnt see myself in that book until a couple chapters in.
Skimming and quick judgements suggest youre impatient for a magic bullet, and convinced your viewpoint is the right one. The thing is, change is hard and it's slow, and you must be open to the fact that your viewpoint is not THE right one. Without dropping that conviction, you can't look at youself objectively enough.
I would think a careful read of dance of anger may help motivate you to try to change. I would like to see what you would say are the good things you love about your h and your marriage, both to understand why you're with him and to help you keep a good opinion of him front of mind.
DBing is about changing you, and you have to see why thats necessary in order to be willing to put in the hard work. If you're still in the "but its HIM that needs to change" mindset, you're going to be blind to what you need to see in those books.
Hey, what do you have to lose? He's over there for a while, what if you throw caution to the winds, learn to drop your resentment and feel loving toward him till he comes home, work on your own relationship skills till he comes home, you havent lost any time. You can still decide after that if it's not the relationship you need, and move on. But you'll take more mature relationship skills with you to the next love in your life.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Rocksy, I thought I was here DBing for 2 years before things changed but really I was here a year stewing in my anger before I really GAL and detached. (I'm not even sure if I asked you about the GAL but we hammer it here b/c it really truly makes a HUGE difference). So DBing well actually got me some results in a year and h was gone for most of that time.
So here's the question I have. If you are not going to divorce him while he's over there (thank God!),
then why Not try things our way awhile? It really can't hurt, and it just might help a whole lot. No downside, huge potential upside.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
If you could take a pill that made you feel better about your whole life, regardless of your h's behavior, would you? Or would you choose to pin your happiness on your h's behavior and try to get him to make you happy?
DB is the pill. Reframing your life takes your dependence off h. It doesnt mean you have to roll over and take poor treatment, it empowers you and shows you how to be ok with or without him. It isnt easy but it is so worth it.
25 got me started and a few others here helped me along the way.
What you focus on, expands.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
quickly (cause i am at work), i started reading db last night. love the idea of brief therapy (when he comes home) as opposed to delving into everything ad nauseum. need to read more about that and then think about if h would go for it. i gal already. i was a single mom for many years in between my first and second (current) marriage so i'm good alone. i workout, socialize as much as i can, take classes when i can. i also have a very supportive, close family. so i am lucky, i know. my happiness isn't dependant on my h. i just really want him to be in my life but not at the current level of non-communicativeness we have. or i should say we have always had after the initial courting ended. i will update as i read....thanks ladies!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
