Separated, but still friends

[Pink17]

I wouldn't like to be so hopeful, but it's hard to ignore what is happening. I see that my DBing is slowly working miracles.

Sunday H came over to the house, had dinner with us and talked about our R and why we got were we are now. I apologize again for being so stubborn and let our M slide and make him so unhappy and validate his words saying that I am working on myself and will give me a chance to have a more health R with someone else if that is one day to happen in my life.

I told him he deserves to be happy in his own life and if the OW can offer him that then I was not and will not be in his way ever, that I care about him and wish him a good life.

On monday night he kept trying to talk to me and by coincidence I could not talk to him right away. When I finally called him he was very tired and sleepy and just discussed about XMas gifts for the kids and asked me to call him the next day so we could talk for a little while.

Next day I did not feel like calling him, so I just sent him an email with the kids XMas list. He text me saying he knew I was very busy at work but to call him when I had a few minutes to talk. I called him on a hurry during my lunch break and he was so nice. He said he could help bringing lunch for the kids and that he could take S17 to guitar lesson if that would take some load off my shoulders.

I said that would be great because I was super busy and then I could make dinner a little earlier. When he came back with S17 he stayed in a house. While I was making dinner, he got a chair for himself and sat there with a cup of tea and want to talk about my baptism on a Christian Church. He asked me why I decided to change church and if there was someone that influence on my decision.

I explained him that at my deepest pain I found I was so alone and the only one there with me was God, my faith and that gave me hope to start the next day.

He still insisted asking if there was anybody, why that church. I explained that it is a church close to us and that I feel very comfortable there and feel my heart fulfilled. I don't really know what is thinking but I decided it's not my problem, he can think whatever he wants.

H said that he saw and felt something is different about me since he saw me last sunday. (he is seeing my detachment, he is feeling my distance, with grace, gentleness but distance).
I told him that during this time I hit the bottom, found a strong faith in myself, gave priority to resolve my own issues, I am working with my IC to clean some old and very painful wounds and that it is making a huge difference in my life.

I told him I have a support group that tells me I am worthy and I am a good person and that without this group I would never get where I am now. "All of you guys".

H told me he is not doing much and then told me about his work and his new promotion and all the adventures at work for about almost an hour. Just the way he always did when we were together.

I listened to him, did not say much but showed him I was paying attention. Towards the end I said some words, he knows I understand a lot of what he is talking about since I used to work in the same field.

I tough he would leave, but he invited himself for dinner. Started making some Ice Tee, helped set the table and then asked if he could sit at his place. I said that it was OK today but he should remember that I am the head of the family now and that place belong to me. This is some italian thing and we both have italian background, so he knows what I mean.

He ate and said that it taste like home. I said I was glad he liked and that he is welcome anytime he wants some fresh food.
(well, get a H by the stomach).

After dinner, I started cleaning up and we were all talking about football. The subject was hot and the kids were discussing about who would make the super bowl this year. It was very family talk, great stuff.

H, S17 and S14 moved to the family room, then S20 started some blueberry muffins from scratch. When he was almost done, S17 and S14 joined us in the kitchen and started joking about the muffin color since S20 broke the blueberries. We were having so much fun, we laughed and were joking about the muffins.

H was just sitting there by himself looking at us. At some point he closed his eyes and took a nap. Then when the muffins were ready, the kids asked if he would like some and he said it was getting late and he need to leave. I was around but I did not gave him any attention. I made myself busy.

H asked me to walk outside with him because he would like to talk to me. OK, lets talk. I sat on the bench outside and he stood right in front of me. He said that he recall that sometime ago I told him that I knew how disgusted about me he was. H said that he would like to make it clear that he was not disgusted.

H said that there were times when he was very upset with me but never disgusted. He said I am a very valuable person in his life, that I am a beautiful woman and he thinks I am sexy, gorgeous, charming and attractive woman that he feel in love one day. He said that many times I felt he was looking down on me but that he never felt this way. That he always respected me and always tough very high about me and always knew how capable I am.

I then told him that I appreciate all what he was saying to me. That it makes me feel good and I understand that he cares about me and thanked him for doing so.

I said to him that I am practicing to look at myself as a valued person, a good human being that does good stuff for whoever is around. I told him that I started understanding why I have so many friends and people in general that loves me. I said to him that he felt my inferiority complex for many years and I am sorry I put him through this but I coming to terms with myself to accept that many, many people are attracted to me, like me a lot because they see what I tried to ignore about myself. I am a nice and caring person.

I told H that many tears were dropped, but I am thankful I am having this opportunity to find myself and get myself in a better place. That me alone is happy, that I am not walking in front or behind anybody, I am walking my life and it is enough for me.

H then said that he is very, very proud of me, that it makes him extremely happy to see me this way and that he can tell how much peace is inside my heart. I mention that he knows me very well and that he can see how much I have changed towards myself and that it makes me look even more beautiful.

H then took my hand and said "Come here". He put his arms under my winter coat, look into my eyes and gave me a huge hug, it was a very warm hug, very tight and with so much feelings. I hugged him back very lightly. He was hugging me yet and said thank you, thank you so much... I just said you are welcome. I don't really know what he meant with the thank you, but this time I let go, no explanations to break the lovely moment.

He gave me a strong kiss on my chick, kissed my neck gently, put his head on my shoulder, hugged me a little more and then had tears on his face. Did not cry, but had tears going down his face. I did not say anything, I did not hug him back the way I want to, I was just there, nice, gentle, attentive but not in it. He looked in my eyes again and said he need to keep going. I said for him to drive safe and good night.

Then he said, I will see you tomorrow. Probably because he is making a big deal about buying the XMas gifts, It was always my job, I always decided everything, now it is his turn.

I don't want to be so hopeful, but I can't ignore that the DB is working. My detachment, what is getting easier for me, is somewhat making him to feel that I am not there a 100% as before. I can tell he feels I am moving on without him in the picture, that I accept the fact that he is moving forward with his life and I am building a life for myself without him.

I know he is probably very confused yet, but I can see that all my efforts in DBing is paying off. I just hope that I am not really letting go. I am also very confused and have been hurt, so I need to be careful I will be there if he comes back. It happen to me before, I want the love and then I start to walk in opposite way to avoid the pain and when the person comes back I am too far gone and don't feel anything.

Well, I will not worry about that now. I know I love this man and he is a good person. We had a rough time in our M, some things were not even related to our feelings as a couple but they just put a lot of stress in our M. Who knows, maybe we can rescue something beautiful we had and we forgot was there.

Love you guys, your support to stay on track may be the glimmer I have now. I felt there is a chance. I don't know for sure what will happen, but I have a little hope now.

Hugs to all
Pink

[HPoirot]

Your story was wonderful Pink. I am so happy you got to experience that. Stay strong and I really hope this is the beginning of a good period for you and your H.

[rd500]

Fantastic and touching. You should write books !!!!! I was really moved and it looks like he is starting to realise what he is losing Well done , you were perfect Really cheered me up. Rd

[Little]

Wow, what a beautiful experience. Best wishes! No expectations, remember, just keep on doing what you're doing.

[Sotto]

Hi Pink

I'm pleased for you, for what happens. It does sound like your H cares very much. Keep things up on the DB front, and have a merry xmas!

Toots x

[TLEE86]

Pink,

So happy for you and H. Like everyone said before me, no expectations, and don't pursue. Keep doing what you are doing because it seems to be working!

Hope you have a Merry Christmas, keep your head up.

[Pink17]

To all my best buddies here,

Have a lot more to tell about H. It's really amazing. Right now he just texted that he is coming over so we can both wrap the kids gifts.

His idea: Let's give some cash for the kids and they go out to eat something while you and I have a wrapping gifts part, just the two of us.

Wow, H was never into wrapping gifts, it is the first time in our lives.

Will keep DBing, it's working.

Thanks guys for being here for me, it means a lot.
Hope you all have a very Merry Christmas.

Pink

[HPoirot]

Pink I feel so thankful for you right now. I feel happy reading your good feelings in your words. You sound excited. Yes DBing is working for you tonight. Keep it up! H is being drawn to your detachment and confidence. I really hope you both have a very Merry Christmas.