I seem to do ok when I have little to no contact. But today, when he offered a suggestion about dividing up D's birthday weekend, and xmas break, my heart starts beating fast and it reminds me how much I hate this and how much I hate the thought of having to negotiate this stuff every freaking holiday for the next 15 years.
And I guess these feelings are because I haven't accepted this permanent reality yet. Still. Grrr.
I often don't trust my instincts: I wanted to set in our parents agreement that I would always have D on the night before her birthday, so she would wake up in my home on her birthday. She was born in the middle of the night.
This year, I happen to have a conflict with a friend's 40th birthday, so it would be convenient for me to agree to H's request to switch, but then I would give up this idea of waking up with her on her birthday. Why am I fixated? Why do I get so frustrated when he asks to make a change (yet again), and feel like I am an irrational b!tch for not wanting to agree to every change?
Bonk me on the head please. I need my PMA back. Still not sleeping enough and that makes all of this so much harder. :-(
I fixate on the little things, too, Claire. In the moment they don't feel so little though, do they? I'd want D with me as she turned another year older, too.
When dealing with someone who can be punitive it makes us punitive, too, and it's hard to level out and act from a grounded place of reasonable perspective.
I'm with you on the no contact thing. When I don't see H or talk to him I am SO MUCH better mentally with all this. Life and co parenting means I can't withdrawal completely into my own shell and fix myself without contact with him. It's hard. And painful. And roller coaster-y.
