Before my A, my wife and I talked a great deal about my OW. OW was someone I grew up with in the Caribbean and we had a relationship in our early 20's that ended very badly. 4 years ago, I had not been in touch with OW in 20 years. I believed OW hated me all that time and I held on to that heartbreak. My W also had past heartbreak and we talked about our stories often.
Even before my A, W says she seriously considered leaving me because we were not living... we were just surviving and I let that happen by becoming an unhappy lump. I lead my family in unhappiness because I was didn't like my life but did nothing about it. I was never present in our lives.
My W knew about my feelings for OW and encouraged me to get in touch with her and then to go see her. W and I talked a lot about the conversations I had with OW. Now, in one of our recent post BD talks, W said she sent me to see OW hoping I would see the best I can be. Because of how I've behaved, my W believes she can't give me what I need to be the best I can be. I've been leaning on my W all this time with my sadness and crap without ever getting help to carry that load myself while taking care of my wife. I got that backwards.
I told my W that a couple days ago that it was a mistake to bring my OW into my marriage so I could feel good. All this time, I wanted my family, the one I have, to be happy. I didn't make that happen. I depended on my wife for that and she felt deep hurt that I didn't want or was present in the life I made with her.
It seems, then, that I have to be that guy I promised to be when she married me. Just be bigger than the fact that she talks to another man on the phone to feel good. Be bigger than the fact I asked her to stop and she has not told me she has.
Last edited by HPoirot; 11/12/1412:10 PM.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
