Mleigh sorry I have been away for the holidays but just caught up on your thread. In some ways I envy you having H in the same house but there also comes a tipping point when the negatives outweigh the positives. You are the only one that can make that decision. I have such a different situation but I can say that once H moved out our house became a home again. It is quiet and sometimes I am very lonely but there is also peace. I didn't realize all the tension until it is gone.
Just be sure to take a deep breath and ponder things a bit so the decision you make is something you can accept. You have far more control than H will ever admit.
Hang in there. I hope your arm and wrist are better. How goes the back?
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Thank you for your good wishes. I wish everybody peace this year too!
Last night with it being New Years, I got off work early, picked up S and came home. I took a quick shower, and turned off my phone. Lol. Not sure why, I was expecting a TM from H saying he was going out or something and I just didn't want to hear from him at all. I wanted to erase my reality for the night. Well, H came home from work about 5:15. Guess I was wrong. He changed into sweats and said he was going to work on the jeep in the garage. He made himself a margarita and went downstairs. A few minutes later, he came back up, said the margarita was really good and asked if I wanted one, with it being New Years and all. I said sure.
About 10:00, he was still in the garage. With the new year approaching, I felt the need to clear the air, make peace and start fresh. I went into garage. H was sitting in jeep, listening to music, said he put in some new amps. We listened to a few more songs. I told him, things haven't turned out so good with us, huh? I said, I never would have thought we could get here. I then asked, are you ready to call it a day? I actually am ready if he is. He answered that he swore he was looking for a place and that there was just nothing out there. He said maybe he should have taken that last place, but it was a dump. He said he is trying to find a 6 month lease but can't and doesn't just want to move anywhere. I asked him, do you want to move out? He said he thinks it might be a good idea. I told him, think? Might? Give me a straight answer, do you want to move out? He said, I don't know. He said he likes waking up and going to sleep in same house as S everyday. I told him I understand that completely and that I honestly believe our living arrangement could have worked well if I felt he could be open and honest with me.
I continued to tell him, I don't want a R with you right now. I said I am working on some of my own issues, most of them being daddy issues, and want to deal with some long overdue things so that I can be a better person in my next relationship. I said I really hoped we could both live here, figure ourselves out in our own space and S would be able to have both parents home. I believe that would be the ideal. I said all I ask is for honesty but I keep getting this gut feeling that something isn't right, this feeling that lies keep coming, and even though we are not married in any sense other than paper right now, I still expect to be treated with respect. He said yes, things are not right, obviously. But it's not that I lie, I just don't feel the need to tell you every step I take and you take that as lying. He went on to give the other day as an example. Said he was enjoying just driving, listening to music, so he drove to the next town instead of close by.
We talked a little more about when I was in my WAS mode, made some comparisons to his feelings today. I told him it's only because I went through that that I have been able to find the patience and understanding I have. I told him however, I didn't lie and hide things from you, I didn't create a new circle of friends, I didn't withhold sex from you for a year, and this is why I struggle with trying to believe there isn't an unknown reason or person involved. He said there were times he felt the same and had the same fears with me. I never came close to an affair. In the end I told him that I think it would be good for him to move out since he never has really been out on his own. He argued back that he has, briefly when he was in Arizona for HVAC schooling. We pretty much stopped there. I told him all I really wanted to do was clear the air so we could start our New Year right. He said I think that went well.
All 3 of us stayed awake ubtil midnight and rang in the New Year together.
I love that we can mostly talk instead of fight. I love that he has made progress in this last year, especially these last few months. I love that I can talk openly about calling it quits and I'm not afraid of it anymore. I love that H opens up more than he ever has. So if he has been making progress, why do I self destruct and sabotage? I am finding out in a book I started reading about being abandoned by a parent. It touches on feeling unworthy of love, I see a lot of this in me. Just the idea that this may actually work out makes me feel a little panicked. That I know I will screw it up. H comes home straight from work every day, doesn't go out on party binges with mystery people anymore, I see him changing and trying, And I feel confused because I expect to be treated badly. Pretty messed up, huh? Ya, I got some work to do.
Today my mindset is this: I've still got lots of work to do on me! My focus is not my marriage but me. I will live day to day believing H is looking for a place to move. If anything, it takes some of the pressure off of me to make living together work. It also may help me to detach better and leave him alone. I also will try to keep talking with him. Not about our R or future - just us, just stuff.
Sorry for the ramble. It helps so much to get this out of my head!
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
