Don't take this the wrong way, but since she has experienced pregnancy and abortion from a previous A, why on earth wouldn't she have her tubes tied? She obviously does not learn from her mistakes. It would seem she would get a little smarter if she's going to sleep with other men.
I don't how you deal with this. I really don't. You deserve better.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No offense taken. Hence the title of my thread! She's struggling, making bad decisions that she hides from everyone including herself. Having her tubes tied would mean admitting that she's out of control, and she can't do that.
It's out of my hands. I feel oddly at peace.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
No we definitely werent planning anymore. The only real discussions we've had have been about me getting it done.
Pretty normal interactions with W yesterday and this morning. After I went out last night, she sent me a text thanking me for responding to her text sat night (she was staying out that night, but texted me around midnight to ask me to check on the baby for her. I actually didn't respond to it until early sunday morning. If she has random anxiety about the baby while she's staying w/om, Ive got nothing for her.) I waited a while to respond but eventually just said no problem.
Maybe it's starting to set in for her just how bizarre she's acting? I'm at a loss for what to do aside from keeping up what I'm doing. I definitely feel like my efforts are having some kind of effect on her but at the same time, she has everything she wants. She brought home a six pack last night and said "well I went four days without wine, but I got a six pack tonight. I'm just going to have one." She offered me one and I declined. Now she was out of the house two of those nights so I assume she drank then but still.
Limbo is a strange place.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Feeling low. Got home with kids from zoo at the same time W got home from work. She got a package in the mail from an old friend who makes perfume. They made her her own perfume, called " momentum". OM gets to smell it on her.
Feeling like ****, any four letter word will do. Hating all of this. Heading to the gym.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
"Maybe it's starting to set in for her just how bizarre she's acting? I'm at a loss for what to do aside from keeping up what I'm doing. I definitely feel like my efforts are having some kind of effect on her but at the same time, she has everything she wants."
Sorry, but I wouldn't count on her figuring that out any time soon. This is for the long haul.
As for being at a loss, remember, these are changes you are making FOR YOU.
I think this is a newbie thing. Everyone wants to believe that if they do everything "just right" it's going to "work" and the wayward spouse will return ready and able to recommit.
It just doesn't work that way. As long as you're basing your success or failure on the results with your spouse, you'll be wasting valuable time you could have spent making yourself feel better and become stronger--thereby being a more attractive mate.
You make the improvements you need to make based on what is important TO YOU to be a better person. Not trying to do this or that to make her react this way or that way.
A. It comes off as phony. B. You'll never be able to sustain it, because C. You're doing it for the wrong reasons.
You've got to get it out of your head that you can control this by your actions. That's where the detachment comes in.
Or call it "acceptance". I think that's where a lot of people get stuck. They just don't want to accept what is happening and they are desperate for a "fix". We don't want to accept that our spouses have checked out, so we hold onto a vision of how things "ought" to be. But they're not that way, and the sooner we grasp that and start behaving accordingly, the sooner things will get better for us.
There is no fix. I wish there were.
The only hope for your M is to follow DBing, and that means to focus on YOU and not on her.
Put your well-being first, figure out what kind of person you want to be, then make the changes you need to make to make that happen PERMANENTLY.
Your M and your wife come second right now. IF you start piecing, that will change.
But not now. Not if she is actively involved with anyone else, or trying to be.
--(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
