I decided to respond to your last post to me. I do not intend to spend much more time going back and forth with you. That said, I believe that deep down inside you really do want to change. I think just do not know how to and the deep seeded issues I see in you may never allow you to see the bigger problem – hence I do feel that you need to get yourself into therapy as soon as possible. Cost IMO, should not be a consideration. I would ask yourself…how much is your happiness and emotional well being worth to YOU? Me? If it was 1,000 a session – I would pay it. I would borrow it. I would sell stuff to get it. It really does matter. What matters is that YOU get the help that you need.
You seem to need a play by play of EXACTLY what to do and what to say. So I am taking the time as a last ditch effort in the hopes that maybe just maybe this is what you need. I do not expect to have to spell it out any more specifically than what I am about to write. NO one here is sitting/standing next to you when you communicate and deal with your bf. Maybe that is what you need – even though…that would not address the bigger issues that I believe are in play here. As Mach posted…it is the behavioral patterns that are the issue.
Have you ever heard of a cycle….you know something that goes round and round.
Step 1 – MM post update. Ask for advice. Step 2 – poster responds. Step 3 – MM claims poster did not understand what she wrote Step 4 – Poster responds Step 5 – MM claims poster did not understand so she had to “clarify” so that the advice was “fact based”. Step 6 – Poster responds Step 7 – MM responds and says poster does not get it and cannot see what she sees. Step 8 – Poster responds and tries another approach. Step 9 – MM responds claims poster did not understand what she wrote and start to defend Step 10 – Poster responds Step 11 – MM says she gets it but that poster a, b and c, did not understand what she is trying to say. Step 12 – Poster responds Step 13- MM apologizes if she has annoyed a poster. She then proceeds to Step 2, 3, 5, 7, 9 or 11. Step 14 – Poster stops posting to MM.
Stop…repeat…start at Step 1.
I hope one day you see this patter MM….I really do.
Anywhooo…getting back to the play by play of exactly what I would do if I were YOU.
In short…you want to know what to do to accomplish your goals right? The goals are broadly defined as 1) get him back or back to you in a manner that you deem acceptable (i.e. just a good R with him again) and 2) learn self worth and become more independent. My response is based on trying to provide you with as much specific to achieve the goals I mentioned above. If you have additional goals….I cannot help with these.
Here is what I would do.
Schedule a meeting with your BF. It will be discussion between you and him. It is not a work meeting. It is a relationship meeting (yes I know you are gonna say…you are not suppose to have them – I get that. FTR, the tips that people give you are not black and white. Every person sitch is different. The tips are GENERAL in nature and are intended, at least IMO, to give you guidance toward general behaviors and actions that you may want to consider using to achieve your goals)
At the meeting you will be giving your BF the option to choose. His choices should tell you all that you need to know. At the same time you will be laying down boundaries that are needed for YOUR emotional health, while also being considerate of his needs. The key though…is that YOUR needs/boundaries come first – cause…at the end of the day…you are responsible for your well being.
- BR, I have something to discuss with you and I ask you to listen to me in totally before you respond. Please give me this time as what I am about to say is very important to ME.
- BR, I have been thinking about our R lately. I believe that both you and I have work to do on ourselves. We can either do it together in a committed relationship OR we can do it apart in a strictly business relationship capacity (these are the options MM).
- I want you to know that I love you very much. Over the past few years and with everything that has gone on between us, the business, the family and in general, I have learned a few things about myself and our relationship.
- First, I have realized that I have some faults that I need to work on. Some of them I believe I have really finally fixed, others are a work in progress. I am totally comfortable with that. I understand myself enough now…that I know I am giving my all to be the best woman I can be.
- I also realize and came to the conclusion that I deserve to have the dreams and wishes that I hoped for in my life. I hope that you can be a part of that and I understand if for your own reasons you do not want or are incapable of giving me what I want. I respect that BF. I really do. I finally realize, that regardless of what happens…I really will be okay.
- So what do I want? I wanted to be in a committed relationship, where I am valued, appreciated, loved, cherished and treated like an equal with the constructs of a relationship. I will explain each of these in detail in second so that you understand where I am coming from and I am making it as clear as possible.
- I want to give my heart to someone that worships and respects me. That treats me like a I deserve to be treated.
- I know I have flaws that I need to work on. I want someone to respect me, to understand my flaws and love me not in spite of them but because of them.
- I know that I am good person, that I have a great heart, that I love and I love deeply. I want the person in my life to reciprocate these feelings back to me.
- I want a friendship, I want a lover, I want a confidant, I want someone who will get me – flaws and all.
- I want someone who can compromise, I want someone who’s actions speak much louder than their words. Who’s actions are consistent. I want someone that is kind to me. I want someone that can balance life, where work is not everything but rather…being with the person you love is also a critical ingredient. I want someone that can listen…and I mean really listen…to what I am saying. I hope that this person is you and I understand if you cannot be that person or NOW is not the right time for you. That is fine.
- As I said, I wanted to clarify what these traits and actions look like to me. I am not saying that you do not understand or do not do these things. That is not what this conversation is about. It really is…about me sharing with you my feelings and wants. I understand that you may or may not agree with how I defined these traits. These though are I define them for myself and how I would hope my partner would define them.
Valued: Valued to me means that my feelings matter. It means that although my partner may not always understand my feelings, that my partner can value them as well as me. Value to me means that my partner is reliable. When my partner say or promise something the he deliver on it. I understand from time to time that chit happens and for example my partner may be late…but those times are far and few between. Value to me, means that my partner would value me as a business partner and will work with me to make me an equal part owner of our company. Value to me means that my partner would value where I live and would want to be with me – regardless of circumstances.
Appreciated: Appreciating me means that my partner appreciate what I do for them and that they would do whatever they can to show that appreciation towards me. That would include committing to spending time with me, to talk, to chat and also doing things that I would like to do.
Loved – God so loved the world that he gave his only son. Now that is love. Love is not about keeping score. It is not about tit for tat. It is about sharing with each other. Both emotionally, physically and financially. Love is understanding. Love is compassion. Love is kind. Love to me also includes security. I want to feel secure with my partner, I want to feel like I can share my heart with partner with no worries. I want to share my inner most secrets with my partner. I want my partner to love me enough to a cheerleader on my side. Cheering me on, inspiring me to be the best me I can be. I want my partner to love me enough that If they were see how I was feeling or if I needed and really wanted something…that they would do whatever it takes to help me achieve my goals. I ask for this knowing in my heart that I would do the same for my partner. Love to me – means NO FEAR. It means that fear does not play a part in my relationship. Love to me means, my partner would not be afraid to open up to me and I would not be afraid to open up to him.
Treated like an Equal : My opinion matters. Period. I want my partner to respect my opinion and to treat me like an equal. If I owned a business with my partner…we would own it equally.
Respect : Respect is much like being treated equal. The biggest thing though is that I respect myself. I would not ask my partner to do something that I myself would not do. I would want my partner to respect my boundaries. My boundaries are mine. My partner does not have to understand them – they must though respect them. Not respecting them is a clear sign of disrespect and it would show me that I am not valued, appreciate or loved.
Compromise: Compromise is two people working together to reach an agreement that both people can feel okay with. It is not one sided, it is not manipulation. Compromise takes effort and it take communication. Compromise only works if both people respect and value each other. Communication is so important. I want my partner to say what he means and means what he says. I want to do the same. I want my partner to be able to give and take with me.
- I hoped this helped you understand the traits and values that I find important to me and important to any relationship that I am in.
- As I mentioned when I started this discussion I believe we can take one of two paths. Here is how these would work for me.
Path one – We do this together as a team.
o We sign up for therapy as a couple. We go in with an open mind. I will also sign up for my own individual therapy. I would suggest that same for you; however, that is your choice.
o The therapist that we will see is a solution based therapist. Cost should not be an issue. Whatever it cost it cost. I believe that our R is worth the cost. We can deduct it equally from the business.
o During therapy, we focus on finalizing the business partnership agreement. I believe that we can have this wrapped up in 30 days.
o While we do this first as a team, I think it is best that we go very slow, specifically around intimacy. Let’s talk about this with the counselor.
o If we agree to do this as a team, we are agreeing that no third parties are involved. In other words, I will not date and I would require the same commitment from you.
Path two – we proceed as business partners and work separately on ourselves.
o We will maintain our relationship strictly on a business level. This means, that any communication we have is related to the business.
o I will not discuss any relationship topics
o I will not engage in intimacy on any level.
o I will not go over to your place and I would respectfully ask you not to come over to mine. I believe it just confuses things and I would like to respect your wishes and have you respect mine.
o We focus on finalizing the business partnership agreement. I believe that we can have this wrapped up in 30 days.
o I will not discuss with you any personal matters – and I will not ask you any non-business related questions.
o I do not believe that “friendship” is best right now, we may consider this in the future but I do not see that for a long time. I think we can maintain a professional working relationship.
MM, I suspect that he will have some comments. Since I cannot be standing right next to you…I have list a few of the things he may say and how I would respond. (you asked me to be specific I am trying to be as specific as humanly possible).
BF’s responses:
BF - I need more time to figure out how to transfer your share of the company over.
MM Response should be: We will do this in 30 days. I believe this is enough time. You, the accountant, everyone has dragged there feet on this. MY financial security is tied to this and I will no longer wait.
BF – I thought things were going well…why are you pressuring me?
MM Response: I understand that this is how YOU feel. I feel differently. I finally have come to realize my value and I no longer care to wait around for you to finally decide to commit. You are committing or you are not. It really is black or white.
BF – There you go pushing again....
MM Response: I understand that you feel I am pushing. I am telling you what I need – if you consider that pushing I am sorry that you feel that way.
BF – Well how am I suppose to feel like I want to commit again with all of these rules?
MM Response: BF, I matter. So….ask yourself…why should I not ask for what I want. Does being in a one sided R appeal to you? Cause it does not appeal to me?
BF – Okay…so you are saying I can date other people?
MM Response: If you elect to do this with me then NO. If you elect to do this separately, then I am not going to tell you what to do. Your actions would say enough to me. If you are wondering what I plan to do….all I can say at this time is that my plan is to focus on continuing to be the best person I can be.
BF – Do we have any other options?
MM Response – NO.
BF – I feel pressured.
MM Response – I can understand how you may feel that way and I am sorry that you do. I have spent the past two years of my life, and I am not getting any younger, walking around you and waiting for you to realize what you have in front of you. I have come to the conclusion that maybe you are unable to give me what I deserve. I understand that. I am choosing to work on myself and let you figure your own stuff out. I guess I finally realized that I cannot change you. I cannot get you to see what is in front of you. I cannot get you to realize that….with you…..and your actions….I feel used.
BF – I never used you…I treated you good. YOU are applying pressure again. I told you…we will figure out the business stuff…I told you not to push me…
MM Response: I am sorry that you feel this way. IMO, we have wasted time trying to split the business. I have waited for a long time. I am not pushing YOU..I am giving you options to choose from – you are choosing not to do this together.
MM, I can try and mind read all day long. I have tried to explain as best as I can what I would do if I were you. Either way you decide to go…please MM, please for YOUR daughters sake….get into therapy asap.
Step 1 – MM post update. Ask for advice. Step 2 – poster responds. Step 3 – MM claims poster did not understand what she wrote Step 4 – Poster responds Step 5 – MM claims poster did not understand so she had to “clarify” so that the advice was “fact based”. Step 6 – Poster responds Step 7 – MM responds and says poster does not get it and cannot see what she sees. Step 8 – Poster responds and tries another approach. Step 9 – MM responds claims poster did not understand what she wrote and start to defend Step 10 – Poster responds Step 11 – MM says she gets it but that poster a, b and c, did not understand what she is trying to say. Step 12 – Poster responds Step 13- MM apologizes if she has annoyed a poster. She then proceeds to Step 2, 3, 5, 7, 9 or 11. Step 14 – Poster stops posting to MM.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
