No fear everyone- I genuinely intend this to be non-adversarial and H has declared in writing the same (I know its not legally binding but still a comfort). Yes- I've dropped the rope - but I will be right here with GAL, PMA and 180 flags flying. I will still be following coach's advice by being brightand cheerful and by giving H words of affirmation- we still have to somehow repair this catastrophe enough to co-parent after all. I just don't have to act "as if" anymore.
I confess - yes I want to be a woman that only a fool would leave but a secondary goal is that every 3rd party associated with this divorce process will also think "Dude- you are an a**hat for leaving her". Petty, but true.
I really don't know how to handle the kid thing right now. We should be addressing D6's concerns together. He sent an email tonight confirming kid pickup and drop off dates. I answered his questions and then gave him a description on the conversation with D6. He responded with another schedule clarification and no mention of D6. None.
I know that one of the worst things that can happen is that the kids feel like they have to pick sides. And wouldn't you know it, the first thing D6 said was "Mommy - I love you more than Daddy" in an anguished sob which. broke. my. heart. Sure - I reassured her it was fine to love Daddy, and that he was a good Daddy who loves her with all his heart. I don't know if I should tell him that little detail, but at the same time he should really know what she's going through. Mediation can't start fast enough. I know part of the process is co-parenting counseling which I think we need desperately. H finally responded to my question about when I should expect to be served. I can give him a date or time or contact his lawyers so I will call them first thing in the morning.
I know all this sounds very angry and I'm not going to lie...of course I'm angry but I sincerely don't want to be. I know that won't help anyone, least of all my daughters. I will get it under control, And despite all, I feel for my STBX. He is a lost soul right now.
Had a lovely day helping my daughter with her "pumpkin book report" and then had a fantastic time at a local Halloween carnival with the girls where we learned to dance to Monster Mash, watched vey game amateur jugglers and got in some early Trick or Treating. The last few weeks I have realized how much the weird "off feeling" in our marriage had affected daily life and made me walk on the proverbial eggshells before BD. Its far easier to be fully present for my children and truly savor these moments with them.
Thanks to all for their kind words. Obviously have been going through a bit of an emotional vortex the last few days and haven't been giving other people's sitches enough attention. Will do better.
raliced, you are my hero right now. You are handling things with such grace, and your lack of fear inspires me. I need to embrace that.
The one thing I would say is this: do not tell your H what your daughter said about loving you more. That will do damage, and he will blame you, and maybe even unconsciously take it out on your daughter. You are biting your tongue in your daughter's best interest, as she will have to have a relationship with that man for the rest of her life. You do not. Keep that in mind.
My daughter is angry with H -- calls him names behind his back, wants to punch him in face, is angry, says she wants to move away. I would LOVE to tell H all this, because it would show him the damage that he is doing, but I know I would end up looking like the bad guy. All I can do is validate her feelings and encourage her to build a loving trusting relationship with H. Even though he's lying to her constantly while promising to tell her the truth always. I have to leave that alone. You do to. It is hard!
Wishing you peace and strength.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Its easy to feel fearless at the moment because I've already faced my biggest fear - telling my daughter. I'm sure there will be other bad spots along the way (to put it mildly) and that other fears will come to the forefront. For example, I haven't really absorbed that the OW has been spending quality time with my kids. Let's not forget he claimed to have started this relationship only 2 weeks before bomb drop and then promptly moved in with her a week or two later. For once, I am hoping he's actually lying and that its been going on much longer. I mean, how well does he even know this person?
Thanks for the advice, my gut said I shouldn't say anything to him, but there's no roadmap for any of this.
I'm sorry about your daughter. Obviously there is never a great time for this, but early teenagehood does seem like it would be particularly hard.
