Let's try this again

[Train]

Aw, sweetie. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I FEEL you. Big time. I really do. (P.S. I just saw woundedfool's response, and I agree with him; that's all great advice.)

I can only speak from my own experience, T0, but during the times when I start feeling unattractive and unwanted during piecing, I - yes - communicate my needs to my H. But I also take a page from the DB playbook and remember that I am in charge of my own feelings. In other words, do something for you to make yourself feel better. Clearly, you know the boundaries around that; it's not exactly like your GALing in your DB days. But it's sort of the same. Do something to help your own outlook on things. Communicate with H as soon as you can. And when you communicate with him, make sure you're remaining positive and CONFIDENT. "Act as if" he's totally going to be willing to give you what you say you need.

Stay positive, girl. Fake it if you have to until you can sit down with H with no distractions.

I'm thankful you are also being empathetic to some of his feelings with work and bills, too. That's good. But I know he can handle work AND working on his M. I KNOW he can.

[sandi2]

I just want to know what happened? What happened to stop the guy he was the last few months to now. they are so opposite each other it's insane.

Based on the posts here on the board, it seems that most men are driven to win the female. Before M he pursues the woman, and after a breakup he pursues her. However, right after M his focus goes from her onto other things, and when he wins her back after a breakup he does the same pattern. We women are troubled and hurt b/c he changes once he has us. Truth be known, I think we do too.

IMHO, your H wanted to by-pass the uncomfortable work that needed to be done, and he just wanted to settle back into the family again. And I agree that it all was too fast.

I believe it is extremely important to get professional guidance when piecing the M back together. Even if he feels uncomfortable, he should be willing to do it for the sake of the M....and to help you. How much longer till MC app't?

Do you think he may be placing too much pressure or expectation on himself? Would he be open and tell you if he was?

[T384]

I completely missed your post wounded - I think that is the way to approach it so he doesn't feel 'beat' up

Train- I am going to do something for myself. When H first wanted to R. I kept my GAL in full swing. Even having him at the house to watch the boys while I went out to undisclosed places and events. I'm getting back to my diet seeing as I've gained some of the weight I lost back. Thanks for helping me, xoxo


Sandi - he is willing to go to MC. We at least he was. We haven't discussed it in a few weeks but my guess is he is. I think you are very right that he bypassed the uncomfortable part to just be back in our lives. He still has a lot of work to do on himself. I have done a lot while he was gone but he was not doing anything to work on himself.

I don't think he would tell me that specifically. The most I would get is a generalized answer of 'I'm stressed''

We had touched on the pursuing at MC back in October. The C told me I shouldn't be surprised for H to settle down on the pursuing once he wins the prize but that he needs to find the right balance. He also felt H should be doing most of the pursuing, date night planning, Etc for awhile to prove himself to me. I work this coming week and the MC is off on Fridays so unless he can squeeze me in on a work day and I can have someone cover it will have to wait until the following week.

[happy1]

When I bring up to him that he seems distant and isn't very affectionate towards me his answer his he's stressed. Just not sure how to handle that. I did tell him I need him to be more affectionate to me and I need him to show me I'm important to him like he used to.

Just another idea to consider:
How about STOP.
Stop bringing it up and just act as if.

I know, I know you want to sit down and talk it out and move back to where it was, but what if, just for a week, until you get to MC you don't make him address this when he seems to have answered you. I am pretty sure you will not get where you want to go if you sit him down, again. 180?

If you do not have time to have a date night and finances are tight, how about a date home? Like a picnic in bedroom? Call me corny but set up something and he may reward you.

[Train]

I'd be really careful with a prolonged STFU philosophy during piecing.

Communication is arguably THE most vital component of a healthy M. Both partners must be willing, though. This is where the rubber meets the road and really where the XWAS has to step up and show s/he is willing to do the uncomfortable work without making excuses for why s/he can't right now. And the XLBS has to decide if they're seeing/feeling enough to continue the uncomfortable work, too.

Am I saying beat this lack-of-affection issue over his head (or trying the same non-working tactic, expecting different results)? Nope. In fact, wounded and I - as MWD suggests in DR - both advocated trying a fresh, new approach (getting away from the house in a relaxing environment before approaching H, "acting as if" while delivering to him your needs, validating, positive re-enforcements when he does something right, etc.).

I would advocate STFU if you're temporarily mad or frustrated over an issue. But even if those feelings linger for more than 24 hours, I would strongly encourage a spouse - now calm and rational (after the "24-hour rule") - to approach their spouse and say (insert woundedfool's conversation advice here).

The longer you STFU and hang on to resentment about your H's lack of affection and intimate conversation, the more withdrawals he's making from your love bank. He went a long time making withdrawals and no deposits, so homeboy might not be high enough "in the black" to be withdrawing such large chunks right now. That is why, during piecing, STFU (about such a big, lingering issue) is actually dangerous for your M, IMO.

But that's just me rambling ...

Definitely get back in touch with some of those DB methods of checking YOUR attitude at home, T0, even if you have to fake it until you CAN get out of the house with H (whether that's on a date or at MC). The thing is: Going to MC, while obviously helpful, still puts a big mirror in front of you two and your problems. Dates - I would advocate AT LEAST once a week, and it can be as simple as sitting outside together for an hour after the kids are asleep - are times when you can create "no-drama times" for you and H. (My H and I will build a fire in our firepit outside and have a couple beers if we can't "escape." I've helped him work on cars - for the record, my "help" entailed me replenishing his beer and handing him tools . Really anything goes as long as you two are spending some non-stressful time together, just the two of you. We also had to create "affair-free" date nights, when no matter what, we would not bring up the A. Same could be done with finances and/or jobs: agree to spend 1-on-1 time together one night a week when love-buster-topics like finances and jobs are topics NOT to be discussed, no matter what.)

Try to stay light and breezy, just like in the "old days." And definitely do something(s) to make yourself feel better; that will help your PMA at home.

Clearly, you both have big decisions to make - and you two are flirting with a deadline, right? I really, really hope your H steps back up; we KNOW he has it in him. I also know you can rest assured you've done literally everything in your power to make your M work. You've done some heavy-lifting, sister. Pat yourself on the back for me. And then go get a manicure or somethin'. xoxo