Have I any hope.... (Part 3)

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Ahoy]Hi bashy (and others) -- pressies is British for "presents". Bashy, the holidays are tricky. I don't want to spend those times pretending that life is normal, and I do want my H to see what life in the years to come will be like, with us splitting holidays.

You think by splitting them all now, it helps? How so? Why not give him good memories to think of and how he will MISS those? Otherwise you are merely speeding up the coming bad times and not giving him any new positive images to counter the negative images he has, which he's used to justify leaving.


I also have family responsibilities pulling me back to my home state (far from where I currently reside). So I asked my H how he wanted to divide up the holidays this year (giving him authority, which is a 180 for me). He picked Thanksgiving, I get Xmas, he gets New Years.

So will your d then be splitting those days Sooner rather than later? how is that good for her?

I'm traveling to my home state to visit family for Thanksgiving, and taking my D there for Xmas. I later told him that I don't mean to exclude him, that he's welcome to join in Xmas depending on where he is emotionally in Dec., but that I felt that I had to go ahead and make plans to be with my family (my father is having a cancer scare).

So the door is open, but I'm also moving on with my life. I do want what is best for my D, but in some ways, dealing with the reality of the situation will be good for her. I don't want her to put any faith in an illusion.

I can't guarantee her that this marriage will last.

This is almost the opposite of what a family therapist suggested I do for our children. He said "do NOT tell your kids a divorce is happening until if and when you KNOW with 100% certainty that a divorce is happening. Why give them stomach aches they may not have to deal with if you work things out?

Give them as many good memories in the meantime that you can. And it gives the poss WAS something to miss as well. Create those positives while you can.

Then reassure your kid(s) about what will Not change in their lives. Like if they'll still be in the same school or house or neighborhood, focus on that part and be as detailed as you can be, about when they'll see each parent and how they are not going to lose the non custodial parent.

Ahoy, consider giving your d some hope rather than presenting the bleakest possibilities to her as "THE" realities coming. Besides no one can ever guarantee that their m will last or that they will be alive the next day.

RE your h, are you trying to Keep the road home, pave and smooth? It's a DB tenet that is not to confused with being a doormat.

But it does mean not to punish your spouse and not try to "teach him a lesson" b/c Life teaches them lessons, and gives them consequences...it's Not our job to do that, however tempting.

Make sense?

[Ahoy]

Hey 25 -- this isn't my thread -- it's bashy's.

As for me, I have brain tumors and my dad has possibly lymphoma, so I'm not going to waste my and my *real* family's precious time while my husband is "finding himself" (likely between the legs of another woman). I did invite him to join in, if he feels like it, but I have to GAL, and take care of myself, and that's what I'm doing. My daughter is a teenager, and I'm just addressing the questions she's asking me because she's old enough, and because I have to clarify what crazy H says (he moved out nearly two months ago, so no one is living under any illusions here).

I'm glad for you that you've restored your marriage. If my H wants to come back, I am keeping the path clear by not dating other people, by being positive, and inviting him to family holidays, but not pressuring him by forcing him to include me in his. I think that's pretty darn good, and if not, well heck, let's say it's the best I can do with a head full of brain tumors!

[Shakspr]

Ahoy. Your thread is full. Also, you're the best. That's all.

I missed your backstory...no idea you had tumors and all that must go along with that. Sending a big helping of compassion your way.

[bashy]

Heh guys. I havent been on the forum much as I have been detaching for real and GALing.... honestly. Started drum lessons recently. WOW!!! Loving it... now saving for an electronic kit as a real one would be too loud.
Meeting new friends in work including a young girl (well shes 10 years younger than me) that has recently split from her bf. Now before you guys say anything, yes, shes beautiful, but I love my wife. There is NOTHING going on and I am certainly not interested. She lives close by and she's made me dinner, we went to see a live band, went to the cinema... she's telling me about her ex, about guys chatting her up in work, asking my advice etc. Me, you say lol??!!! I know.
But anyway, she has a little cat and I asked could I bring my D round to meet it as D loves cats and dogs. So we went on Sat. D loved playing with it. We left after 30 mins and told me she loved the cat and that my work friend was 'very pretty'.
Soooo, WAW has been ringing me every other day about IVA and christmas etc. Since last convo I told her we'd buy our own presents but leave them under the one tree at her house. I said I'd love to stay.
Sooooo (again), I get a phone call from WAW today.... a day after she collected D from me and two days after D had been to friends house to see the cat. She tells me she needs a receipt from mortgage people when we go 'voluntary repossession' on our house ie giving the keys back. I say: 'no probs, I'll email you a copy'. She then proceeds to tell me that her benefits have dropped, she can no longer afford to leave or collect D and that I will now have to collect and leave D home every week. Then she tells me that she thinks xmas is a bad idea and that it's better if we do our own thing incase we have a row or something between now and then.
I was thinking....'were has all this come from'....then told her I can't afford to drive both ways as I'm saving for a house. She hits back that she isn't in a position to argue butI'd need to find a way as she can't afford it.
So I told her I'd need to go away and think about things. I didn't row and remained calm.
I wil definitely collect and take home D... no point her suffering. But annoyed at WAW. She obviously has enough money to go out with friends etc but not this.
Ah well, but it seems more than coincidence that a day after D probably told WAW about cat and 'my pretty friend' that this has all happened.
Thoughts guys and gals....

[bashy]

^^bump

[bashy]

Well, it's been a while since I've posted.... so a little update.
I've just got confirmation that I'll be moving into a new rented home this weekend. I cannot wait!!! Will be great to have space for me and my D. I'll have a lot less disposable income than when living with my dad but it feels like a fresh start.

I'm continuing with my drum lessons. Really great stuff but I need some cash saved to buy my own set to practice. Wish I'd done this years ago.

As for the WAW.... not much to report. We attended our D's school for a regular meet with her teacher. Says D is a kind, generous and smart child. Doing well at school but needs to come out of her shell more. Otherwise he is confident she will progress well over the coming years.

Went to WAW's home after to discuss D going to big school next year. All pleasant. We get along fine. I still miss her though.
On my way out I walked past the window as my daughter stood watching me. I gave her a silly wave and blew extravagant kisses lol. She was laughing hard. Then WAW appeared at the window to wave at me in a silly way as well. I returned my kisses.

On the way home I heard about my new house so rang D and told her. She was so excited. Then she put WAW on who seemed surprised I had got my own place....I'd kind of mentioned it before but have been keeping contact to a minimum.

At present I feel like my marriage is over. But still no name change from WAW and we are getting along fine and well. She definitely sees me looking and smelling better than ever. I will continue on this journey.

[PureHrt]

Bashy your threads have been amazing. Very honest, encouraging and at the same time realistic. You exhibit so much self-control!!

I hope you are well. I am curious if the GAL and DB'ing is continuing?