Well, the MC came down on the side of honesty. We'll see if an apology ever materializes. At the moment, I'm keeping my expectations low to avoid disappointment.
Despite seeing some real progress, I've felt profoundly defeated recently. It's becoming clearer and clearer that our long term goals are compatible -- I'm ready to live that marriage NOW. What is the point of going through this terrible limbo period where we both adjust to interim (and incompatible) needs when the long-term (and compatible) needs are entirely different?
Meanwhile, H still refuses to spend the night with me. We had the perfect opportunity this weekend (D7 was at a sleepover) but he said that it would "violate a boundary" for him. I didn't challenge him on this (and he did thank me later for being "gracious" so my choice was worth it), but isn't a boundary supposed to protect him from hurt? What is he protecting himself from by not spending the night? If it's just some arbitrary line, it seems like he's putting his need to be "right" ahead of our relationship -- which is exactly what he has accused me of doing in the past.
He is coming over tonight so that we can talk about Thanksgiving plans. I wish we could spend the holiday together, and this weekend he took some of the steps I needed him to in order for me to be comfortable with that, but I don't think he's ready for me to be around his family yet (or him around mine). Right now, the thought of spending it with him is almost as bad as the thought of spending it without him. Can I just pretend that Thanksgiving doesn't exist this year?
elsa, i get the frustration, but, it's not your place to make determinations about his boundaries. you would certainly not appreciate him doing that. it might not make sense to you or me, but we don't have the right to tell someone else how to feel. he may feel pressured. i'm not saying that you are doing any of those things but what would he feel. empathize! and i get it, i do. but the don't forget that patience is required more now than at any time. you can do it! i believe in you!
M40 XW35 M11 T15 S9 D5 Bomb 6/3/14 Papers del 10/3/14 D final 12/5/14
I wish I could love you and make you believe it 'Cause that's all you ever wanted From me
Last year I spent Thanksgiving waiting for the hammer to fall. I cried a LOT, even though I was totally surrounded by family. This year I will be with friends or alone, but I have cool GAL plans and no tears on the horizon. If you'd told me last year that this is where I'd be this year, I would never have believed I could feel good about it, but I really, really do.
It's all in how you frame it.
Enjoy your holiday.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Bravo, thanks for the 2x4 -- I needed to hear that. His feelings are his feelings and I shouldn't try to argue against them, if only in my head.
Maybell, I cried during T-giving last year too -- H picked a fight with me while I was making food, and I burst into tears and then had to face his family when it was obvious that I'd been crying. I actually don't think that we would have a repeat of that this year, because we are in a different place now and we know what's at stake -- but I still don't know if I'm ready to do it.
We had R talk last night (at his request) but we didn't talk about T-giving. It was not a great conversation -- I really felt like he just didn't want to be there, and he wasn't in a validating mood -- but it ended well enough. (H even tucked me into bed and held me for a little while before he left.) First thing this am, he sent me a text that thanked me for being gracious again. That would be the 2nd time in a row he's texted the morning after R talk. I know he is trying to show me that he's not in complete withdrawal. I can see that he is trying to breath some life back into this marriage.
He just came to pick up D7 for the night and asked if we could talk again tomorrow night. We are now spending an hour or more together at least every other day. I feel like that's a pace at which we can make some sustainable progress.
