Finding my way - part 3

[KGirl]

This is a very difficult part of this journey - when they have "made up their minds" and there doesn't seem to be much hope. You've said what you thought about things being fixable, but it didn't sway him, right? I don't know that there's anything else for you to say at this point. You have to let him be, and if you want to show changes, do so through your actions, not through promises and talk. A quote I find helpful from "The Happiness Trap" when I feel stick on "but why won't he just TRY? These things are so fixable!" (emphasis added for the takeaway point):
"Suppose you are walking across ice. In order to safely take the next step, you first need to find a firm foothold. If you try moving forward without doing that, then you're likely to fall flat on your face. Acceptance is like finding that firm foothold. It's a realistic appraisal of where your feet are and what condition the ground is in. It doesn't mean that you like being in that spot, or that you intend to stay there. Once you have a firm foothold, you can take the next step more effectively. The more fully you accept the reality of your situation - that is, here and now - the more effectively you can take action to change it."
I find that repeating to myself "I don't like it, this isn't what I want, but I accept that this is what is" can help. I also try to reframe it as being respectful of H's opinion and wishes (as opposed to arguing, trying to convince him otherwise, or tell him he can't really be done, that it's silly of him to think that), which is a 180 for me.

[Maybell]

KGirl, thank you, that was brilliant.

[Meghan]

Thanks, KGirl - that was helpful.

I am trying to keep up with changing my actions, despite last night's performance. When I asked him about his plans earlier today, I kept calm, didn't cry, and was very matter of fact, which is not usual for me in this kind of situation.

I'm also making a conscious effort to get out and do things. I've gotten in touch with some more friends, and will keep up biking and running. This also has the side benefit of making me somewhat less available to him, and sometimes it means he has to take care of things like his own dinners. (Tangent: the birthday cake remains untouched on the counter, which is irksome to me). I'm doing this largely for me, but I suppose I also kind of want him to see what he'll be missing out on.

I'd like to feel a bit more comfortable being in the apartment during the day, since I do actually have some things that I need him to do, but that may or may not come. I'm hoping a night of sleep gets me in a better frame of mind to make decisions and feel better about where we are right now.

I don't really have anything to say to him, and it's still awkward to interact. I got in tonight, just said "hi" in a relatively upbeat way, and then stated that I was tired and was going to go to bed, which is where I'm writing from. I don't really feel like chatting him up.

It feels so weird to be here and so close and not talking, and that bit hurts even more than it did before. The worst moments are when I feel like I've lost my best friend. I'm not sure how to deal with that yet, or what to do with all the little moments in the day where I'd think of him, talk to him, ask him something, or note something to tell him about later. Those moments hurt more than anything else - the little things that a life together are built on.

[gan]

Hi Meghan, I'm no vet but I did jump into this physical separation thing within weeks of BD so I do have a few things to offer from a survival POV (not sure what it means yet from a marriage POV...still a work in progress).

1. Go with the flow. Don't try to change his mind as it will only make him dig his heals in more. At the time it was happening I saw separation as THE END. In reality it means H doesn't want to work on the relationship right now and needs space. I can relate to the immigration thing as my H is also from another country (so I also worry that he'll decide to go back to his country). Fact is, you and I have both been able to work around the immigration issues in the past to be with our spouses. So we can do it again if and when the time comes, right?

2. Pick up a copy of Taking Space by Robert Buchicchio. This book helped me think about the range of practical things to think through and gave me much needed structure when I felt like I was floating in space after his initial announcement.

3. While he is still in the house:
a. Be ready - it is a really, really awful and difficult time (painful to think about looking back). I too struggled with the little moments, reflecting on the lost friend etc. It's what it is. One of the best quotes I've seen on here was "The only way out is through." So be ok sitting with those feelings. They will pass at some stage.
b. Yoga is great - gets you out of the house and doing something good for you. I'm sure our Hs get that this is a stressful time so doing yoga won't seem like a "I'm trying to avoid you" thing, even if it still has that effect.
c. If you can, try to come to some agreement about time frame for separation, or at least when you will next check in with each other. I'm still not sure whether my separation is a trial separation or pre-divorce separation (not sure that my H knows the difference) but mentally I have found it helpful to have a bit of a timeline even if we don't stick to it. 3 months is shorter than forever and much more manageable for the head going in! By the time you hit that time frame you'll be in a different place mentally anyway (I am - and looking back the 6 months my H proposed would probably have been fine).

4. After he moves out:
a. Be ready - the first couple of weeks are really tough. Focus on the essentials, esp food. I don't recall if you have kids. The shift to cooking for one was a big one for me and it took a while to return to eating normally. I treat myself to lunch most days to take the burden off cooking dinner - and I don't feel guilty about it! Also I'm now amused by how little I need to pick up at the grocery store each week....no more male appetite to contend with. (This all saddened me at first, but now I'm ok with it).
b. Get out and GAL. Sounds like you have this under control but the down time really bothered me at first. I've made an effort to try to have something planned for each night M-Thu (yoga x 2, volunteering etc) and at least one thing for the weekend. Having this plan has made me feel much more in control of my life again.
c. No contact unless he initiates it. Actually I think it has been easier for me to detach compared to a lot of people on here because H is not physically around.

I'm something like 9 weeks in to a supposed 3 month separation. I've only seen H twice during this time (friend's party and when he came over to pick up his stuff) and I wasn't expecting him to be in touch until after 3 months. But....at the 7 week mark he called and asked me out for a drink (meeting up next week). Who knows where that will go but I can definitely tell you that I am in a much better place now regardless of what happens on the M front. At the end of the day that is what we all need to be aiming for I think.

Best of luck to you!

[LisaB]

Hi Meghan, it's so hard! But I would say GAL as much as possible so he can sense that when he goes you will be moving on and doing ok. Maybe he will think about that when he finally feels "free" and will really start wondering what you are up to and if he made a mistake. How do you do that while feeling horrible and sad? I guess try to be around him as little as possible and when you are just put on a smile and don't say too much. So hard! I know, I was in the same exact position. I couldn't always do it but I tried my best to hold it together and seem ok.

Good luck! Hugs, LisaB

[LisaB]

Oh wow, just read the above posts from ganb8te and KGirl. GREAT ADVICE! I'll be taking this advice myself. Good luck Meghan!
Hugs, LisaB

[Meghan]

Thanks for the advice everyone.

I woke up this morning feeling a tiny bit better than yesterday. I'm calmer, but it feels like I've tapped a much deeper well of sadness.

I'm trying to get out for at least a bit every day. I'm exercising and seeing friends, and may try to add a class or some volunteering into the mix. I did okay while he was away, but realise that this could be different when he's actually moved out. I'm not looking forward to the next few weeks, but need to find some focus since I need to head back to work soon.

ganb8te, I'm unclear on whether this is a trial separation or a pre-divorce separation too, but my gut feeling is that right now he feels like it's the latter. I'm not sure if I want to know or not. I'm also not sure if I should be talking to him about what kind of separation this is and if and when we should be checking in with each other.

Can I ask how you approached this topic with your H.? I'm concerned H. would see this as pursuing or trying to change his mind or keep him trapped right now.