Hi I'm new, I hope I won't be a burden... prt 4

[25yearsmlc]

You haven't changed. I thought you said you would actually listen this time. Are you going to go to C.

Wait i have listened.. i didnt argue back im so confused here now.. i have re iterated back to her as well.

I guess you not arguing back, is a big step forward for you, but really IWish, it takes more than "not arguing back," to become a man...a man who listens to NEW information, and THEN

processes it!

Think back to your earlier years in school.... Like when you took a class with a really good teacher, and she gave you NEW INFORMATION...then you might have said, "Wow, that's very cool, I'll have to think about that" and then you went from there and maybe changed an opinion or learned more about the topic, etc. Point is, you CHANGED a little when you got the new info, right?

But with YOU Nowadays, you blurt out stuff and then seem surprised that you made people cringe. Like the whole episode of you calling your wife a "bitch" who dresses like a slut" for packing some shorts . 1Wish, TO ME, that episode was almost insane. I was shocked....truly

So when you heard so many of us react in horror to you, and so many of the guys were saying "OMG I wish I had the chance YOU are being given; a wife who cares and who is TRYING, OMG I would So NOT blow it like you"

then you said "OOOPS I take it back" but it's still out there in the back of our minds. Not that we are "not forgiving" you but like we see you in a different light. It takes a "different" type of guy to say what you said, under those circumstances and it scares me for your wife's sake.
If you really do not see women that way (like sex slaves who exist only for you)

I'm still concerned that you will put her near some people who ARE like that, like your family and she'll be insulted and hurt and put down and where will YOU BE then? "Away"???? You need to be next to her when she's with your family OR anyone else who might try to hurt or shame her.

You shared with us how she had a horrific childhood....so in my eyes, she's sort of got an excuse for feeling so uncertain about things. She knows she values LOYALTY, in a big way. Ss someone watching her back, and standing up for her is very appealing to her.

You skimmed over how you let her down with that "She packed shorts/what a bitch/slut" piece, but you harped on her complaints about your family. Look at that again, okay? Take in the NEW INFORMATION and opinions you're hearing and see where it gets you i

1Wish, if she is going to be your wife (or stay your wife)

then SHE IS YOUR FAMILY- and your family 'of origin" has to accept her, or THEY go...not her.
"A man shall leave his home and cleave to his wife and the TWO SHALL BECOME ONE."

You are supposed to be ONE. My advice...to keep it simple I'd just say for you -

IN BLUE

For now, to just back the hell off of her and let her GO. Really, back off and Leave her be.

Let her learn some things for herself without you staring over her shoulder, telling her the answer.

And YOU Go learn some things, like life lessons. Either finish school and or Get AND keep a good job --a job that you are proud of and happy with, so you can have NOT JUST A "JOB," -- BUT A CAREER.

A career so you can provide for your family and support your wife's educational goals and raise kids, IF that is what you BOTH decide.


Please tell me, Does that ^^ sound appealing to you, or too hard?

[1Wish]

I guess you not arguing back, is a big step forward for you, but really IWish, it takes more than "not arguing back," to become a man...a man who listens to NEW information, and THEN

- I did listen and i did learn to shut up. I need to process it all. Ive used validation and it just makes her cry when i do.

processes it!

Think back to your earlier years in school.... Like when you took a class with a really good teacher, and she gave you NEW INFORMATION...then you might have said, "Wow, that's very cool, I'll have to think about that" and then you went from there and maybe changed an opinion or learned more about the topic, etc. Point is, you CHANGED a little when you got the new info, right?

- yeah your right, whenever i learnt something new i wanted to know more and took that information away with me and tried to learn by myself so i was on top of the class.

But with YOU Nowadays, you blurt out stuff and then seem surprised that you made people cringe. Like the whole episode of you calling your wife a "bitch" who dresses like a slut" for packing some shorts . 1Wish, TO ME, that episode was almost insane. I was shocked....truly

- im a fool for saying and doing so. I have issues and that woman is my wife, i love her and feel tottally ashamed of disrespecting her like that, how dare i. I cant take it back but i sure can refrain from doing that or thinking that ever again. Thank you for pointing that out, it helps me find my flaws and see my character in a different light as you did yourself. I am tottally shocked and disgusted at my reference.

So when you heard so many of us react in horror to you, and so many of the guys were saying "OMG I wish I had the chance YOU are being given; a wife who cares and who is TRYING, OMG I would So NOT blow it like you"

then you said "OOOPS I take it back" but it's still out there in the back of our minds. Not that we are "not forgiving" you but like we see you in a different light. It takes a "different" type of guy to say what you said, under those circumstances and it scares me for your wife's sake. 
If you really do not see women that way (like sex slaves who exist only for you)

I'm still concerned that you will put her near some people who ARE like that, like your family and she'll be insulted and hurt and put down and where will YOU BE then? "Away"???? You need to be next to her when she's with your family OR anyone else who might try to hurt or shame her.

- i dont want my family to do anything with her, i want them to stay away. Unless they make amends and thats going to take a loong time. But i have a duty to protect her from anyone or anything thats going to harm her. That ive learnt.

You shared with us how she had a horrific childhood....so in my eyes, she's sort of got an excuse for feeling so uncertain about things. She knows she values LOYALTY, in a big way. Ss someone watching her back, and standing up for her is very appealing to her.

You skimmed over how you let her down with that "She packed shorts/what a bitch/slut" piece, but you harped on her complaints about your family. Look at that again, okay? Take in the NEW INFORMATION and opinions you're hearing and see where it gets you i

- i see how i only see my pain and not hers, what a selfish person i must be.

1Wish, if she is going to be your wife (or stay your wife)

then SHE IS YOUR FAMILY- and your family 'of origin" has to accept her, or THEY go...not her.
"A man shall leave his home and cleave to his wife and the TWO SHALL BECOME ONE."

You are supposed to be ONE. My advice...to keep it simple I'd just say for you -

IN BLUE

For now, to just back the hell off of her and let her GO. Really, back off andLeave her be.

Let her learn some things for herself without you staring over her shoulder, telling her the answer. 

And YOU Go learn some things, like life lessons. Either finish school and or Get AND keep a good job --a job that you are proud of and happy with, so you can have NOT JUST A "JOB," -- BUT A CAREER.

- i have a career, i am a microsoft mcp qualified individual who works for a corporate company that are gold partners, we specialies in it infrastructure and licensing as well as back up and recovery.

A career so you can provide for your family and support your wife's educational goals and raise kids, IF that is what you BOTH decide.


Please tell me, Does that ^^ sound appealing to you, or too hard?

- sounds very appealing and i have already planned to do this. I aim to move out saturday amd maintain no contact but just be at her beck and call whenever she needs me. I will back off and let her be. But i wont neglect or abandon her. Whenever she needs me ill be there.

[1Wish]

1Wish, putting all your crazy text exchanges, judgmental comments and constant refusal to 'do the work' aside, what drives me the craziest about your situation is that you don't realize how hopeful your situation could be!

Think of all the poor choices you've made throughout the time you've posted on here. (I shudder just thinking of some of those text exchanges) Yet, you still have a W who talks about not wanting to lose you, about 'booty calls', about the hurt this is causing her. She is still conflicted about this decision and just needs you to follow the advice of so many of the people who have given it to you. Those same people whose spouses are carrying on an A or have filed D or have moved out of the house. You have it so 'easy' compared to those people. You even have people who have been through what you've been through and come out successful giving you advice!

I'm rooting for you, I really am, but everytime I read one of your posts, I want to say 'Just GAL and chill out man!' You're not dealt with the complex issue of getting your W to fall back in love with you. The changes needed in your M all begin with you- how you treat her, your lack of respect for her, becoming a better man than you are now....

i hear what your saying but shes on a stage where shes saying she needs to go away and think about everything she feels like she needs to think about her happiness and mine. She feels like she cant keept me hapoy and she wishes it could go back to the days where she was madly in love with me.

She feels like it never can because the old girl i fell in love with is gone. She wishes it can go back but is scared that it never will. She suggested the booty calls not me. She expects me to see her but in that time shes going to assess everything and see where things go from there.

She wants me to be happy and genuinely thinks ive changed she says how im like a perfect husband but shes not good enough for me. She says that she doesnt recognise herself. I told her go away and find yourself hun. Ill be here, she says she doesnt want to loose me but doesnt know whats going to happen. She feels like she can never forget or forgive what my parents done and is reminded when she looks at me

She doesnt want the divorce but thinks its best for both of us. I told her i can see the woman i fell in love with now as shes been a lot more loving but she replied but for how long is she going to be here. Shes scared and feels like theres something missing inside of her. She doesnt want to hurt me or be upset. Shes kind of made it in a way where now shes not good enough for me and doesnt want to hurt me...

^^^
1Wish,

I'm curious if this is *your opinion* or *your assumption* or even if you two talked and this is a semi transcript. If this is what came out of her mouth, then sure let us know so we can help guide you to fix the issues your W perceives that you have. Assumptions can and will misguide you, repeatedly.

Whatever the case, your W is in confusion mode.

***This is one of Sandi's List rules: believe none of what they say and 50% of what they Do.***

She is dealing with the depression and emotional swings just like you are. When things were good between you two, you were both in happy mode. So confusion on both sides is expected, but like other posters have said work on YOU for now. Part of that process is realizing that none of us were born knowing how to work on a marriage, this website exists because we are not perfect. So, let the advice sink in for a minute, and then decide if you are willing to try something new to save your marriage.

We're here for you brother, help us help you.

What she said the other day

[MrBond]

All of that stuff that you wrote to 25yrsmlc shows that you still aren't listening.

Just being around, validating what your W says (by just nodding your head and agreeing to them without understanding what she's saying), hoping that she just accepts you back, isn't going to change anything.

One BIG issue is the C one. You keep dancing around the question of actually going.

[1Wish]

All of that stuff that you wrote to 25yrsmlc shows that you still aren't listening.

Just being around, validating what your W says (by just nodding your head and agreeing to them without understanding what she's saying), hoping that she just accepts you back, isn't going to change anything.

One BIG issue is the C one. You keep dancing around the question of actually going.

Omg i seriously feel like a lost cause.. i feel like im trying and trying but its just not how its meant to be done.. ok mrbind please give me a example..

Put yourself in my shoes..

Wife says.. i just want to be happy.. find myself and focus on everything i missed out on...

Now tell me if im wrong but my understanding is..

She is miserable because of how i been actong so i need to stop all that makes her upset or doesnt work.. she feels trapped and cant go out and do what she wants because im controlling and she is scared to go because ill say something..so i need to shut up and tell her to enjoy herself and make her feel comfortable doing what she wants to do.

She feels likr she has to spend time woth me hence why she feels she has neglected her interests.. so i need to encourage her indirectly to go out and find her interests or find some together..

If im wrong here please tell me what you would gather from her statement.

[MrBond]

"ok mrbind please give me a example.."

You have been given many already. Go back and read your posts since the beginning.

Also, if you want her to see that you are actually committed to working on things, go to C! You still keep avoiding this.

Time for you to start a new thread.