Trying Again

[topgunmb]

Here I am again, thought I stop by for my 6 month check in...ok, maybe 5 month. Sadly, nothing has changed regarding W. This May will make 2 years since BD, July will make 2 years since she moved out. To be honest, I'm starting to lose hope. I'm lonely and it feels like I'll feel that way forever. I just had a reminder of that this past Wednesday.

W texted me Tuesday night after her usual Tuesday visit to see the kids. Said she wanted to meet me during my lunch at work to talk about some things. I have to admit, I went into panic mode. Since she has left, she has never asked me to join her for lunch to talk about things. I wish I could say that I had immediate positive thoughts, but instead, went to the dark side. Not much has happened since my last post to make me think it could be anything good. She graduated from her culinary school, took the kids the morning of, and I found out through them as I was picking them up that they had attended her graduation. Christmas time, she flew back to see her family while I took the kids to my parents. Got her a Christmas gift in which she told me that she couldn't accept it.

So, you can imagine, I was expecting the worse when she asked if she could talk to me about some things. It turned out that the talk wasn't that bad. Mostly it was about the kids and that she wanted to see them more. That's great because they do miss her and her Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday visits in the evening aren't really enough. Her plan, however, was that we should all move to a location that was closer to each other. On top of that, she wants me to help her pay for a 2 bedroom apartment because she's not making enough money to afford a place where she can have the kids come stay. Right now, she's renting a room at a house that's over an hour away.

I was a little caught off guard, but rather than react emotionally, I just nodded and said that I would have to see if my budget could support something like that. Her moving out really caused a lot of problems financially for me. Maybe I'm wrong in thinking this, but I don't really feel obligated to help her financially, even if we are still legally married. She left and since then, only really plays nice with me when she's in trouble and honestly, I'm feeling a little like I'm being used.

Above all that, it just feels like if I were to help her pay for a separate place, I'd be telling her that what she has done and what she is doing to our family is OK. Am I harsh in feeling that if she really wants to be a part of the kids' lives so badly that she shouldn't move closer to us, rather than asking us to uproot to be closer to her and still be living in different households? I mean, if she had said let's get a place together, but just not where you are living now, sure. But to have two completely separate places to live and be close just so it's convenient for her seems unfair to me. Plus, I know that even if I were to do this for her, it wouldn't make a difference in how she feels about me.

At the end of it, it just made me sad. Sad that nothing much has really changed in the way that she feels toward me. The only good thing is that she now wants to see her children more, but at the same time, it has to be on her terms. She can't be inconvenienced by it otherwise she won't be there. I've taken this time to work on myself. I've become more positive than what I was almost 2 years ago, I got a promotion and pay increase, I 3D modeled something that I've been wanting to for years and that model ended up being used for a book cover. I'm not quite where I would like to be physically, but I am working toward it. There are still plenty of things to work on and I've focused less and less on her as time has gone forward. But, all that said, it makes me sad to know not much has changed with her.

Anyway, sorry for the long rant. I needed to get that out as it has been stewing inside since Wednesday. I'd love for anyone's thoughts, questions, or general advice.

[topgunmb]

Looks like it must be a full moon or something today because the crazy train just left the station.

Got a text from W today. She had tried on Sunday to find an apartment because she was still thinking I was going to help her even though I made it very clear that I wouldn't financially be able to do it. Of course, she was looking in one of the more expensive areas here, but had enough sense to realize that it would be too expensive. She then suggested us moving by where she is because the housing is more affordable. My response that I wouldn't move out there because it was too far to drive to work. That ended that and she said she didn't know what to do. My response was that she could always come live with us. Silence. Haha!

So, today, I get a text telling me that her rent is due on Monday and that she wants to give her 30 day notice. She has a plan that will solve the current situation with housing. Her grand plan? She will move in here with the kids and then I will move out to some 1 bedroom apartment nearby. Of course, I'll still be taking the kids to school because she has to go to work early and they can come stay with me a couple of nights. As soon as I read all this, I laughed out loud. She said "You know that we can't live together at this point." I wondered what she meant by that, but I decided not to let it rent space in my head. I waited a few hours to reply and avoided the knee-jerk emotional response by simply saying "I appreicate that you have given this so much thought. Unfortunately, I don't think this is a conversation that should be had over text."

So, it looks like at some point this weekend that there's going to have to be a discussion about housing because I don't feel it's fair, even just a little, for her to suddenly come in after almost 2 years and suggest this. And, if I'm being perfectly honest, I'm really starting to wonder if there isn't some sort of chemical imbalance going on.