So I got a lawyer friend to do what he had to do for the affidavit for our “Joint” application for D, and then I posted the forms to WAW. I tend sent her a txt to say I’d done that, wanted to minimise surprise and she txted back: “Thanks heaps.”
I believe WAW wants the D to legitimise her new life and reduce her guilt to the extent she can. She’s seeing someone now too, and presumably there’s a link for that. Making thinks “right”.
I don’t see this paper work as making things right at all. I think it’s very sad/a great shame that despite my best efforts since separation on 21 Dec 2012, over 2 years I was/we were unable to R, and I think “irreconcilable differences” is ridiculous. That said:
(i) I will always be pleased that I did “stand” and DB for the time I did. I don’t intend to stop DBing as I sure as hell don’t want another D !! My efforts have certainly improved my relationship with WAW from when she left – even if she’s never been able to be open with me. I really want this relationship to work as well as it can for the benefit of D3, my own sanity and for peace in the world. The time has also, I think, really pushed me to confront my own responsibility for my happiness and awareness of when I am stressed or feeling negative, and address that.
(ii) I have a strong bond with my D3. Spending time with her brings so much pleasure and meaning. I think children are such a gift.
(iii) I have had a renewed period of grief/emotion these last few days as take on what this D means. What this WAW “seeing someone else” means. The grief isn’t as bad as it was, and I’m more aware about when I am in grief so I feel empowered to manage that more.
(iv) I will also say that the fact that D happened, has also given me perspective on my contribution to events leading up to our separation. For a long time, I have felt completely responsible. I no longer see it that way. I see that I was so in love and wanting to R that I would take-on more or ignore WAW’s contributions. It’s true that focusing on ourselves is all we can do. It’s also true that just as we can’t R if the other person isn’t interested, we often can’t break-up a loving marriage by ourselves. There are two sides. I’m not sure why I’m saying this. I agree that ‘love is blind’.
I need to detach still, and have put in place measures to do that – practical and thoughts. I also need to up my GAL. I am excited that my new job will be a big GAL as the one I’m leaving hasn’t been. Outside of work, I love to exercise – (who knew) and I am resolving to spend some time doing something creative. This is a large part of my identity that I’ve put on the back burner for a long time and I’d like to engage on that.
I’ve looked up a widowed, separated and divorced group in the area that has a course in the evenings in May. I enjoyed the sharing aspect of the ‘non-violence’ course I did last year – even if other people’s stories are different from your own, it’s nice to share.
