Hoping for positive changes

[pilot]

I would not have confronted him, but I would have left it out for him to see on his own. Or put it with his stuff so he knows you saw it but you never have to say a word. That would have gotten him thinking for sure...

[Maybell]

Artsy, I'm reading through some of Cadet's resources when I found a post that made me think of you:

stage One - Frickin' Hell

Can't eat, can't sleep. Can't listen to music, can't watch movies. Obsessed with knowing everything that your spouse is doing. Hang on every word your spouse speaks. Write or verbalize numerous pledges to become a better person. Read everything you can on the sanctity of marriage and how to save a marriage, and actually think there is something to be gained by sharing all of it with your spouse. Willing to appeal to any and all friends and family in an effort to "reach" your spouse. Emotions run the gamut: fear, anger, depression, anxiety, hopelessness.


Stage Two - A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.. At some point a little bit of knowledge finally creeps into the picture. May come thru a friend or family member, or maybe something you've been reading. You realize the first two fundamental truths - 1) You're not perfect, and 2) You can't control what another person chooses to do.

In this stage we start to try to improve ourselves, but it's mostly improvement done to try to win our spouses affection. We stop pressuring, we stop pleading, begging, etc, and try being nice and giving them a little space.

Unfortunately, our spouse responds to the change by doing or saying something nice or thoughtful back to us. This is unfortunate because we jump at the crumb thrown our way and reach out again, get summarily rejected, and generally wind up back in stage one again.


Stage Three - "Fool Me once, Shame on You..."
After a period of time working thru stage one again, we move on to this stage where we are now a little wiser to the ways of the MLC spouse. We begin to understand that niceness CAN lead to niceness in return, but that it does NOT change how our spouse feels fundamentally.

We renew our focus on ourselves, this time with less of the motivation coming from our desire to impress our spouse and more of it coming from a genuine desire to rediscover the person we always hoped we would be. We begin to venture out into the world again, start focusing a bit better on work and friends.

We are less inclined to obssess about our spouse, but it's still there. Ocasionally it rears it's head, usually when we are surprised with another hurtful revelation, and this can still send us back to stage one or two for a refresher course.

Two key things happen here. First, we actually begin to see some personal progress that we feel good about. Secondly, that progress establishes a determination that will fuel us forward.


Stage Four - "How Long Does It Take Again to Establish a New Habit?"
Practice does not always make perfect, but regular practice does eventually establish a habit. Making progress in ourselves causes us to want to make more progress. We begin remembering things we always thought we would do or try and realize that we now have that opportunity. Slowly but surely we begin chipping away at the rust that had accumulated on the person we once were, and we begin to like the return of the old, energetic self.

We still hold out hope that our spouse will be a part of our life again. But we've also reached a point of honesty and realized that our relationship had become something less than what it once was. We can see that both spouses had let hurts, disappointments, and laziness diminish the love and commitment that we started out with. We acknowledge inside ourselves that both of us truly had much that needed worked on and improved.

Despite the love we still have for our spouse, we've begun to entertain the notion that it might just be possible to still have a full and meaningful life, even if they choose to never return.


These are just some of my weird thoughts about the process, and of course they come from my experiences, which are not necessarily the same as others.

Bill

[claire7]

Wow.

And here I thought I was unique in some way? This perfectly describes the last 8.5 months of my life.

Wow.

[GoatGal]

Thanks for finding this! Sums it right up.

[T384]

It's almost scary how true that is. I feel like
Someone has been spying on me for the last 4 months.

[Maybell]

I feel so happy when something I find resonates with people. Thanks!

[Meghan]

This is great and really helpful.

I think I'm probably at stage two and easing into stage three right now, although there are some stage four realisations starting to happen, too.

[artsy]

Ladies! Thank you so much!!! I'm definitely at stage 3/4. It's so good to know we aren't alone in this and our feelings and thought processes are normal!!!

[T384]

Ladies! Thank you so much!!! I'm definitely at stage 3/4. It's so good to know we aren't alone in this and our feelings and thought processes are normal!!!

I totally agree. I know I am needy but I just want you all to know I appreciate you so much! In my darkest days and my needy hand holding self

[artsy]

Ok- he keeps making excuses to stop by. He admitted it's an excuse to see me and the dogs. He said he can't explain in words why he has the need to see me.

So, I told him I found the letter, and admitted I am avoiding him. I told him I needed space.

He said he was sorry.

I said I am too (about a million things, mostly my role in this and the fact he lost his integrity and respect along the way. I have owned my role and apologized at least 3 times- in writing!!!! He has the proof right in front of him if he wants to see it.)

He replied: you're sorry?

I left it at that. He rejected my other apologies and said I had done nothing wrong, he was the one who messed up, yada yada yada. I'm not apologizing again right now. And, he can sit and be curious for a bit. As I told him, I need space!!!!

FWIW: I felt a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders! What is that?? Thank goodness!!!!!