Barrybran - Yet Another Thread

[Mach1]

My interpretation of her words is that she's done for now, she's working on herself and she's urging me to do the same. I honestly don't read it as "I'm done. Goodbye." I read it as "grow up, get your chit together and maybe we'll have a chance. Until you do though, I'm not interested."

I think that is what we have been saying too....

Do the work on yourself, FOR yourself...

And that is your best chance to,not save, but to begin a new relationship with her in the future....

I get it. She's not on my team right now. I don't know how I come across to people and I'm trying my hardest to find that out and fix it. To me, it's like being given a maths problem, getting the answer wrong, asking for feedback and the teacher saying "you need to figure it out for yourself" without providing any guidance. I don't give my son the answer when he gets something wrong but I do ask him questions to help him find the answer himself. Does any of that make sense? If I have a problem with how I express myself, aren't I the worst judge for determining how well (or poorly) my communication is developing?

Wow...

You just summed up this entire thread, in one paragraph...

Look, you can focus on one word if you wish, yet I can tell you that everything that Eric, Lost and myself have been saying to you, plays a very large part in this...

Focusing on "communication" as being the key word, you probably will improve the communication in areas of your life. Yet it will be a constant effort, and it will always be at the forefront of your thoughts. What did I do last time, what was good, what was bad, etc...

If you can pinpoint your list of things, and work on those things separately, then you will see the communication improve vastly, without much extra effort involved. The reason for that, will be that it will just be a part of you, and you are just living it naturally instead of focusing on it..

Now, as you say that you do for your Son....

If you take the time to read back through this thread...

You will SEE the unanswered questions that YOU have been asked, to give YOU that same kind of road map....


How's that for a "communication" buzzkill ???

[Barrybran]

I reread this entire thread. I started a new thread here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2445832&#Post2445832

[Mach1]

I wanted to go back and touch on this again...

Cause I feel as if this can be a good road-map for you..

I had a go at defining each quality. I did this relatively quickly but I did it when I was calm and relaxed and on my own rather than trying to force answers.

Think about it this way...

You already have all of your answers, you have just been asking the wrong questions....

What I see here, although they are a GOOD start, are more of a skillset than an ingrained quality...

Try chiseling down these things, and pinpoint where they fit into who you are at your core....

Reliable
- To me, someone who is reliable would be someone I can call upon to help me with things. They may not always be available but I know that when they aren’t, they have a genuine reason and they will endeavour to be available in the future.

This also ties into being loyal, faithful, and trustworthy. And since I noticed this three times on your list, what is it, that makes you focus so much on this quality ?

Is that something from the past ? Abandonment issues perhaps?

And to give you a little bit of a nudge here....

I would say that the quality in all of these, would be that you are an Honorable man, and a man of great integrity...

So for your list of qualities...

I would just say

Honorable

Good listener
- I feel a good listener is someone who makes eye contact, doesn’t look around the room and isn’t doing anything distracting such as fiddling with their fingers or playing with their phone. I feel that when someone is listening to you, you have a connection with them.

How have you GIVEN this in the past ??

How important is it for you to give, in order to receive this ??

Good communicator
- A good communicator to me is someone who is clear and concise, polite, uses the appropriate volume and tone of voice for the situation and most importantly, knows what they want to say.

Like I said above....are you able to give this ?

Are you clear and concise ? OR do you flounder around aimlessly without really making a decision ??

Are you able to remember details of every conversation ??

Are you a note taker ??

Try following this rule...

Listen without defending, and speak without offending

This also ties into being a good listener...

What quality would you say that ties these together ??

Faithful
- Someone who is faithful, to me, is someone who doesn’t cheat on someone important to them: a spouse, a friend, a family member.

I covered this above, and I want you to see that this may have been thrown in with a touch of anger, and superiority because of your current situation....


I do know that this is important, yet HOW important was this to you before the bomb ?

Patient
- I feel someone who is patient is someone who can ride through a lot of nonsense and respond to a situation calmly, articulately, sensitively and fairly.

Again....what are you SHOWING in order to receive ???

Trustworthy
- Someone who deserves the trust of another person. They can give their word to someone, is believed and their actions support their words.

Are YOU trustworthy ???

Fair
- Someone who weighs up a situation and delivers an outcome that is beneficial to all parties while achieving specific goals.

Fair can mean a lot of things...

Life ISN'T fair Barry, never was, never will be.

Fairness is something that we can only give and hope to get back.

Loyal
- Someone who is loyal is someone who fights for and defends their friends and family and remains faithful to them.

See above

Calm
- I feel that someone who is calm is someone who does not allow themselves to be easily excited or aroused in a stressful situation and can exercise patience where required.

Calmness doesn't always mean passive...

You can be calm and still lead the way...

It also doesn't mean that there is no passion either.

Showing the cracks in your armor is sometimes a good thing. It is how you handle those situations that will make a difference in your life, and interactions.

You can be the calmest guy in the world and still get frazzled by things...

It is from that point forward that matters....



I know that this sounds crazy, yet when I say that I want to show the world certain things about myself, every day...

I don't have to elaborate about the finer points of things in order to acheive them...

I can say that I want to be Honorable, Loveable, Honest, Compassionate....

And every detail, is in those qualities...

No matter the situation....

Make more sense ????