The contact (2 she called again) with ow has affected me more than I thought. I thought I was reasoning with her but really I was just getting sucked into whatever game they are playing. It really hurts that she knows so much about my life and the two of them are banded together against me.
I have to go back to basics. Working on detaching. Not letting things affect me. If she wants to believe him that he only drinks because of me and she is saving him... fine. It hurts like hell but I have to get back to a place where I know it has nothing to do with me.
My therapist suggested a month between sessions since I was doing so well. When I go back next week I will tell her that really didn't work.
The ow had nerve to tell me I got what I gave and that is why h left me. This while she lies through her teeth telling me she is not having a physical or emotional relationship with h. And telling me not to take s to our new church because he may get kidnapped there. No morals, liar, And crazy. And she wants me to let her babysit my s!!!
I have so much work to do to get back on the healthy path I was before.
I also am ready to admit publicly for th he first time that the way h treats me is emotional abuse. Our cable bundle got shut off because we couldn't afford it because h has been bringing home tiny pay checks with no real explanation. I got us new service and got everything in the house connected except the smart tv. Last night h yelled at me that I had to do it because I "screwed it all up in the first place" how is it my fault. oh I forgot that EVERYTHING is. He then goes on how I won't be able to do it because I am useless and can't do anything. ( this is after he spent 30 min and couldn't do it) spent hour on phone with tech and still not working but I will figure it out.
I have to remember what I was doing before when I was feeling good. I am breaking it down to small goals..
This week. Meditate daily, yoga, will not answer if ow calls again. Will not talk to h about anything other than s.any other necessary info will be communicated through email. I will not cover for or make exuses for h when he does not chaperone a field trip tomorrow that he committed to months ago and now just says "no".
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Be healthy. It's easier once you know that you can get back to that place. Believe Julie, not these people who are know not to tell the truth. Surround yourself with people you can trust.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
The whole lying thing really tears me up. I spent much of the day (except when on phone with tech support! !) Doing a personal core values activity.
What I came up with for now are my three main core values are Happines/Honesty/Family. (Authenticity, friendship, integrity, and Wisdom also ranked high but I think those are covered by the main three)
So if something in my life doesn't foster those values I am not going to give it my energy.
As for week goals: today I meditated for 10 min. Only contacted h to tell him about s doc appt. When I saw him for a few min I told him about s being mean to dog but didn't share my theory that it really has something to do with h. I am going to restart 21 day yoga challenge and then go to bed.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
A few weeks ago I was really getting close to a place where I knew in my heart that what he said/did to me did not affect me or change my path. I lost focus but am confident I can get that back.
What I never got good at was watching him disappoint s while still claiming he was the better parent.
This morning we were getting ready for the field trip that h committed to but backed out of. Friday is the 1 morning h gets s ready. Today he was completely focused on himself. He took a shower and kept going outside to be on his phone while I got s ready, packed his field trip bag and packed his bag for a weekend trip to his grandparents. I asked h to pack his lunch and he looked at me like I had asked him to move a mountain. All the while s is asking if his dad going on trip. (I walked out with dog and heard him on phone with ow so I know why he backed out)
I am seething inside but not trying to show anything. Is this one of those fake it till you make it scenarios. Can you every get to a point where you can hear h talk about what a great parent he is while you know the truth and truth and not be affected by it. How do I watch him put ow and his selfish needs above his child and not be filled with anger. How can he truly think he is the better parent and should have full custody. (He throws that threat out from time to time)
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
How do I watch him put ow and his selfish needs above his child and not be filled with anger. How can he truly think he is the better parent and should have full custody.
Dear Julie, the better question to ask yourself is why do you believe him?
I don't think anyone is saying you shouldn't have anger but at some point you will have had enough.
What is your goal now?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Bug I don't believe him. I think I am just somehow stuck on getting justice. I have always been like this. It is something I realize I have to work on and I am sure it ties in with the need to control I have been trying to let go.
On a positive note I gave stuck with my goals since Thursday. S is with grandparents for weekend. Last night I went to visit a friend about 40 min away. Gorgeous night window down. Radio blaring. Felt great to just be in the moment.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
I like your core values... I am going to write that down for myself! Thank you. We will get thru!
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Willbwell- thanks for stopping by. I will read through your stories this weekend. My s also has cp/development delays. He is the main reason I am not pushing for h to move out.
Started with a family therapist to help with s 10 impulsive and sometimes violent behavior. H went to first visit but didn't say anything. While he was out of room I made therapist aware of home situation.
I have also realized that h is not ready to see any changes I have made.w we recently cut the cable cord and that also cancelled home phone. I told h I wanted to look into cheap land line options. In case of an emergency s can't use cell phone. H exploded a about how crazy I am with all my "what ifs". That was the #1 thing I worked on after bd. I honestly think this is the first "what if" H has heard in 8 mos. And I think it is a legitimate parenting concern.
H is taking the kids to beach with parents this weekend. I am working. It was the same last year but then I knew I had romantic late night calls to look forward to. I am feeling sad and need to keep myself busy so I don't focus on those calls going to ow.
This weekend I can get house clean. Do some work in yard. Play with dogs and do yoga in living room.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
I just caught up I have been MIA.. felt I did not have anything to offer anyone.. still don't but realise that knowing other people are thinking of you helps. The goals sound great and I agree that the detachment thing is difficult. It must be doubly so when he still lives in the house. Enjoy your weekend .. my H decided to not visit again this weekend- leaving me with way too much to do for one person.. so I went out.. actually it was good not to have the stress. Our sense of truth and justice is different I think to those who walk out and make up another life.. we will never understand them.. I am not sure we really want to.
