Is this cake eating 16

[labug]

Why did you go? It seems you knew it was going to drag up a lot of stuff?

I agreed to their invitation because it was the right thing to do.

This "family" situations are difficult, aren't they? All that duty stuff mixed in even when people clearly aren't acting like family.

Food for thought, what do these people add to your life and is seeing them for a couple of hours and being miserable worth whatever they add?

I used to have a lot of rules about life and family duty and doing the "right thing". Nearly drove myself crazy. What I finally figured out was, I was putting a lot of effort into R that weren't healthy. In many instances "they" were doing things out of a feeling of duty and I reciprocated out of a feeling of duty.

These were people in my life who ignored boundaries, were sarcastic and sometimes downright mean. There was no real love or caring and I usually felt generally dissatisfied and taken advantage of after.

So I decided to really think about those "duty" visits. Now I visit who I want, when I want, not as a matter of duty. Sometimes it's "those" people but I visit on my terms. My terms include an internal rule-I stay for 30 minutes, longer if I'm enjoying myself or I politely take my leave when the crap starts. If "they" want to talk because I'm not meeting their expectations, let them. I know the truth of the matter.

We each have to figure out what's OK for us, just a different perspective.

[cczamo]

NLW,
I've read your entire 10 pages here, and just want to say thank your for being such a great example for me. As with you, my H has been acting crazy, even bizarre at times. Your sitch is much worse than mine, as H and I have no children together. Yet you've done so well at DB-ing. I have a STBX H that is monstering stranger, since Jan of this year. I miss my old H and best friend. Your ex H exhibits so many of the bizarre B that mine does. I'll not be too surprised if my H is married in not to distant future.
Please keep us posted on your lives.

[NLW]

Hi All, just a v quick note here to say that i have been MIA due to a the unannounced cancellation of the phone and internet accounts at our house.

As those of you will know who have been reading here, our family business was a phone company and XH organised all extended family access to landlines, mobiles and internet. Last week, ours were all stopped without notice.

When S15 asked his father to please re-connect the internet so he and his sister could do their school/university study (most of this is online and in e-format), he was told that they had been rude and that their mother would have to provide this service from now on.

I spoke to him briefly to say that I could not afford to re-connect, but he put on a mocking, whiney voice and told me to stop playing my violin.
He then hung up on me, mid-sentence.

D18 then contacted him to ask for internet but he also refused her... and then asked her to come with him on a holiday to London for a month - and said she should come with him to New York next year. We live on the other side of the world and he is still being chased by debt collectors. She asked him how he could afford this and he said "I'm borrowing the money".

I feel like I'm going a bit crazy here...
It's v time-consuming not having any phone or internet access and I am struggling a bit atm.

XH just keeps coming at us... seems like many people experience the same thing. These guys just never stop being mean, nasty, and in my case, seriously de-stabilising.

[wishing, hoping]

I am so sorry, NLW. This guy is an absolute jerk.

Can the kids go to the local library for internet access? Or perhaps somewhere with wifi? It seems to be everywhere. There has to be a solution.

You are not the crazy one. He is.

WH

[NLW]

Just a quick update... I don't post much these days as I no longer have internet access from home. But I still read up on everyone as often as I can.

I rarely have contact with XH anymore, and he no longer contacts the kids much at all.

He may be married to OW by now, we don't know.

I am trying to keep our lives as full as I can. I am still shackled by massive debt and my place of work recently canvased for voluntary redundancies - indicating that involuntary would follow if not enough people came forward...

I know enough now to know that i will survive no matter what.

I still get the feeling, occasionally, that this can't really have happened to me.. but most of the time, I just get on with things.

I still struggle also with the feeling that I need XH to realise that he made a mistake. I used to be convinced that he would come back to us... now I just imagine that he'll eventually realise that he made the biggest mistake of his life and appear crying on our doorstep one day.

I'll get over this fantasy too, eventually, but the reality is that I'm still not over the trauma. I now have no desire to see him - this is a big change from previous times when i would always hover if he came to see the kids - but I'm still defined by the fact that he left us in what was a classic mlc. I guess I'll get there in time - recovery from something like this is a slow process.

Despite everything, I'm really much happier with myself - as a competent, compassionate, capable, resourceful, reasonable human being - than i ever was before. And recognising how much I've changed makes me feel good.

I'm almost at the three year mark since BD now - so I'm sending out this message of hope to anyone who's reading.

It does get better, and you will grow in ways that you never thought possible.

[wishing, hoping]

(((NLW)))

I too have that fantasy of H coming back and saying what a mistake he has made. But more so that I may slam the door in his face than to welcome him with open arms. I still have visions of wearing a red sequin dress to his funeral. Just kidding. Sort of.

Just take all the time you need. No rushing. Just praying. Giving it to God. Your X isn't as happy as he wants you to believe he is. They are not capable of it. Just remember that. They will always be miserable. And the bigger the show the harder they are trying to hide what is behind the curtain.

WH

[BklynMom]

So glad you checked in NLW, we miss you around these parts.

You are doing amazing!! Wow - you finally see that it was not you and that he is a selfish lunatic.

Thank god for these boards. Lets teach our kids how to act with grace even during the hardest of times.