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#2243157 - 05/05/12 06:27 PM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: Crimson]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Crimson, I think you would be wise to keep a little distance between you and your W for the time being, at least as much as is possible considering you two have a son. Your non response to her baiting text is a good start.

Remember the part in Divorce Remedy about accepting some but not all invitations. You've got to show her that you can't be lead by the nose.

Don't be surprised if she makes another run at the Sedona trip again. Are you going to hold your ground like you did last night?

Hang in there, Crimson!
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2243546 - 05/07/12 11:02 PM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: 2thepoint]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1286
Been working on adding a little bit of space between us. We did meet up at church - I don't want to "weaponize" God - so I figure that is a neutral, positive place for the three of us. Ironically, the title of the message was "Stop It!" - in reference to self destructive thinking that leads you to negative places and experiences. And yes, I thought of many of you and the advice I have received on that very topic. Timely, indeed. I took notes.

In putting distance between w and myself, and just being "cool" about things - I have somehow managed to get a call on the drive to work at 8:00 AM asking to talk to the baby when she pretty much knows I drop him off at 7:30. She sent me an e-mail at work telling me about a nice thank-you note that she got from one of her students that almost made her cry. After I responded she e-mail back saying she didn't know why she "bragged to me about it" and that "she just felt like sharing it with someone". *SIGH* then she texted me looking for 2011 tax documents to give to her L.

She asked to Skype with s tonight - which I don't have a problem with. Then she texted saying that she was "writing me an appreciation letter" - I was a little shocked by that, to be honest. Wondering what, exactly, the content of that will be. Minutes later she called and nixed the Skyping because "the tears were flowing" from writing the letter.

I'll try not to over-think it, but it confounds me greatly to try to reconcile her claiming to have no feelings and a closed heart towards me, and yet have a well of emotions that leads her to tears when writing and appreciation letter. I guess it just may be one of those things I am not meant to understand.

Crimson

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#2243551 - 05/07/12 11:23 PM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: Crimson]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Sad as it is, the D is right around the corner and she is likely feeling the pinch of time running out and all the emotion that goes with that is starting to get to her.

It does seem as though you pulling back a little is drawing her near. So you should probably keep that going as much as possible. Be careful not to attach any emotion to this "appreciation letter". Accept it graciously and then step back. Keep your detachment in place and watch for additional signs.

Hang in there, Crimson!
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2243667 - 05/08/12 12:31 PM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: 2thepoint]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1286
I stand corrected, she referred to it as a "gratitude letter". I think it will be nearly impossible for me to attach no emotion to it, but I will certainly try. Still, I wonder how she can write such a thing with no feelings and a closed heart. I always heard that the true sign that you are ready for D is true ambivalence towards your spouse - you feel basically nothing. Again - maybe this is something I am not meant to understand.

Crimson

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#2243884 - 05/09/12 08:09 AM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: Crimson]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 10902
Just wondering if you got my last post. I tried to answer your questions, but you never replied.
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

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#2243914 - 05/09/12 10:00 AM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: sandi2]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1286
I did, Sandi. It gave me so much to think about I actually didn't post much for a few days and I've been meaning to say "thank you". It was not all sunshine and roses, but it was accurate - as I really see you as an expert in this space.

I am trying to drop the rope, it just gets difficult with a 2 year old that you adore in the middle of it all.

It was rather sobering to hear you say I am almost beyond LRT - no place to go from there, really.

Crimson

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#2243995 - 05/09/12 02:26 PM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: Crimson]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Originally Posted By: Crimson
Still, I wonder how she can write such a thing with no feelings and a closed heart.
Crimson


Mind reading Crimson^^^^. They may act like they have no feelings or are fine w/ everything but from reading on here that is usually not the case when the truth eventually comes out.

Be Well!
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2244026 - 05/09/12 03:46 PM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: sayitaintso]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1286
I would agree with you SIAS, spare the fact that she has said both of those things to me. Still, who knows how much she means them at any given time. It's been about a month or so since she said her heart was closed off - maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I honestly can't tell.

Crimson

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#2244037 - 05/09/12 04:30 PM Re: Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently [Re: Crimson]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1286
By the way, Sandi - just to respond to something else you mentioned in your reply to my post, I DID tell my w that we need to talk before she books her travel. I really want to be able to gain some clarity on things.

Specifically, her version of working on the relationship. I also want to convey that if we are BOTH working on things together I am very flexible in how we handle nearly all situations. Otherwise, I think I would most likely play everything by the book as dictated by the court. Is there a way to present that without it looking like I am dropping an ultimatum? Is presenting it at ALL a bad idea?

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